Life Of Brian

- Who are you?

- We are three wise men.

- What?

- We are three wise men.

Well, what are you doing creeping around

a cow shed at 2:
00 in the morning?

That doesn't sound

very wise to me.

- We are astrologers.

- We have come from the east.

Is this some kind of joke?

We wish to praise the infant.

We must pay homage to him.

Homage? You're drunk!

It's disgusting!

Out the door! Out! Bashing me with

tales about Oriental fortunetellers.

- Come on, out!

- No, no. We must see him.

- Go and praise someone else's brat.

- We were led by a star.

Led by a bottle,

more like. Go on out.

We must see him.

We have brought presents.

- Out!

- Gold, frankincense, myrrh.

Well, why didn't you say?

He's over there.

Sorry the place

is a bit of a mess.

- Well, what is myrrh anyway?

- It is a valuable balm.

A balm? What are you giving him

a balm for? It might bite him.

- What?

- That's a dangerous animal.

- No, it isn't.

- Yes, it is.

- It's great big and

- No, it is an ointment.

Well, there is an animal

called a balm... or did I dream it?

So you're astrologers, are you?

Well, what is he, then?

- Hmm?

- What star sign is he?

- Well, Capricorn.

- Capricorn, eh? What are they like?

He is the Son of God,

our Messiah.

King of the Jews!

- That's Capricorn, is it?

- No, that's just him.

Oh, I was gonna say, otherwise

there would be a lot of them.

- By what name are you calling him?

- Uh, Brian.

We worship you, O Brian,

who are lord over us all.

Praise unto you, Brian, and

to the Lord, our Father. Amen.

- You do a lot of this, then?

- What?

- This praising.

- No, no, no, no.

Well, if you're

dropping by again, do pop in.

And thanks a lot for

the gold and frankincense.

But don't worry too much

about the myrrh next time, all right?

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Well, weren't they nice?

Out of their bloody minds,

but still... Iook at that!

Here! Here!

That That's mine!

Hey, he's a baby! Oh!

- Shut up!

Brian

The babe they called Brian

He grew

Grew, grew and grew

Grew up to be

Grew up to be

A boy called Brian

A boy called Brian

He had arms and legs

And hands and feet

This boy

Whose name was Brian

And he grew

Grew, grew and grew

Grew up to be

Yes, he grew up to be

A teenager called Brian

A teenager called Brian

And his face became spotty

Yes, his face became spotty

And his voice

dropped down low

And things started to grow

On young Brian and show

He was certainly no

No girl named Brian

Not a girl named Brian

And he started to shave

And have one off the wrist

And want to see girls

And go out and get pissed

A man called Brian

This man called Brian

The man they called Brian

This man called

Bri

- Aah!

How blessed are those who know

that He's a god.

How blessed are the sorrowful.

They shall find consolation.

How blessed are those

of gentle spirit.

They shall have the earth

for their possession.

How blessed are those

who hunger and thirst...

to see right prevail.

They shall be satisfied.

How blessed are those

whose hearts are pure.

They shall see God.

- Speak up!

- Shhh. Quiet, Mum.

Well, I can't hear a thing.

Let's go to the stoning.

- Shhh!

- We can go to a stoning anytime.

- Oh, come on, Brian.

- Will you be quiet?

Don't pick your nose.

I wasn't picking my nose.

I was scratching.

You was picking it

while you was talking to that lady.

- I wasn't.

- Leave it alone. Give it a rest.

Do you mind?

I can't hear a word he's saying.

Don't you "do you mind" me!

I was talking to my husband.

Well, go and talk to him somewhere else.

I can't hear a bloody thing.

Don't you swear at my wife.

I was only asking her to shut up so

we can hear what he's saying, Big Nose.

- Don't you call my husband "Big Nose."

- Well, he has got a big nose.

Could you be quiet, please?

What was that?

I was too busy

talking to Big Nose.

I think it was,

"Blessed are the cheese makers."

What's so special

about the cheese makers?

Well, obviously, it's not meant

to be taken literally.

It refers to any manufacturers

of dairy products.

See, if you hadn't been going on,

we'd have heard that, Big Nose.

Hey! Say that once more,

I'll smash your bloody face in.

Better keep listening. Might be a bit

about, "Blessed are the Big Noses."

Oh, lay off him.

Oh, you're not so bad

yourself, Conch Face.

Where are you two from,

Nose City?

One more time, mate, I'll

take you to f***in' cleaners!

Language!

And don't pick your nose.

I wasn't gonna pick my nose.

I was gonna thump him!

- Hear that? "Blessed are the Greek."

- The Greek?

Well, apparently

he's going to inherit the earth.

- Did anyone catch his name?

- You're not gonna thump anybody.

I'll thump him

if he calls me "Big Nose" again.

- Oh, shut up, Big Nose.

- Oh! Right. I warned you.

- I really will slug you so hard

- Oh, it's the meek!

"Blessed are the meek"!

Oh, that's nice, isn't it?

I'm glad they're getting something,

'cause they have a hell of a time.

Listen, I'm only telling the truth.

You have got a very big nose.

Hey, your nose gonna be three foot wide

across your face when I'm finished!

- Shhh!

- Who hit yours, then?

Goliath's big brother?

Oh. Right.

That's your last warning.

Oh, do pipe down.

Silly b*tch.

Get in the way on me.

Oh, come on.

Let's go to the stoning.

All right.

Blessed is just about anyone with

a vested interest in the status quo.

Well, what Jesus fails to appreciate

is it's the meek who are the problem.

Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg.

Yes, I see.

Oh, come on, Brian. They're gonna

stone him before we get there.

All right.

- That's disgusting.

It's the chap with a big nose's fault.

He started it all.

Oh, I hate wearing these beards.

Why aren't women allowed

to go to stonings, Mum?

It's written, that's why.

Beard, madame?

Oh, look, I haven't got time

to go to no stonings.

He's not well again.

- Stone, sir?

No, they got them up there,

lying around on the ground.

Oh, not like these, sir.

Look at this.

Feel the quality of that.

That's craftsmanship, sir.

Well, all right. We'll have two

with points and a big, flat one.

- Can I have a flat one, Mum?

- Shhh!

- Sorry. Dad.

- All right.

Two points, two flats

and a packet of gravel.

Packet of gravel. Should be

a good one this afternoon.

- Who?

- Local boy.

- Oh, good.

- Enjoy yourselves.

Matthias, son

of Deuteronomy of Gath?

- Do I say yes? Yes.

- Yes.

You have been found guilty

by the elders of the town...

of uttering

the name of our Lord.

- And so as a blasphemer...

you are to be stoned to death.

- Look, I'd had a lovely supper,

and all I said to my wife was,

"That piece of halibut

was good enough for Jehovah."

- Blasphemy! He said it again!

- Did you hear him?

Really!

Are there any women

here today?

Very well. By virtue

of the authority vested in me

Ow! Lay off!

We haven't started yet!

Come on!

Who threw that?

Who threw that stone?

Come on.

She did! She did!

He did! He did!

Sorry. I thought

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