Madea's Big Happy Family Page #2

- No, sir.

Cora ain't married neither.

Why don't you ask her to marry you

and y'all live happily ever after

in a forest or something?

So she can leave me alone,

stay out of my business.

Stay out of my mental function.

What?

Now, Mr. Brown, I've also noticed

you've never had a colonoscopy.

Oh, yes, that's where you're wrong.

I drink colas all the time.

I like colas with ice and everything.

And he shouldn't be drinking colas.

There's too much sugar, isn't there, Doctor?

Cora, you're too much sugar.

Looking like a bag of cotton candy.

Cora is the snack demon.

That's right. I caught her one day

sneaking to get some chips.

Under your bed, I found them chip bags.

And she got soda water bags

and cups and everything under her bed.

- You...

- How many Oreos would this be?

- You...

- You know how many it is! Tell me.

- You know how many...

- Five Oreos.

You can tell me 'cause you tried to tell me

the other night.

We're not in here about me...

Mr. Brown, I do have to tell you that

you are well past 40 now.

Way past!

Well, I ain't that much past. You're trying

to make it seem like 40 is down there,

and I'm way back... I'm close to 40.

Forty's over there and I'm right there.

You make it seem like I'm old or something.

The point I'm trying to make is that

you should be having

regular colon and prostrate exams.

It could save your life.

Okay. You go ahead and check my collasum

and my prostitute. All right?

It's prostate, Mr. Brown.

Cora, I know. It's the same thing.

Just go ahead and just check me.

Hold on. I had some of Cora's chips I found

and I might have some on my prostitate.

Go ahead and check.

Not that end, Mr. Brown.

The other end.

You talking about my beginning

and the end?

- Yes!

- The devil is a liar!

You can't be back there like that.

- Wait, Doctor. Wait!

- Get him, Doc.

I'm new! Please!

Hey, Madea.

What the doctor say about Brown?

He's better. He just has to watch

his diabetes, just like you.

Oh, yeah, he got to watch that, honey,

he got to watch that for real.

He's gotta stop eating all that foolishness

and start exercising.

You right.

You right.

I think I'm gonna have the number four.

Welcome to Snax. May I take your order?

Are you at one of those drive-throughs?

Yes, I'm at a drive-through. Hell, I'm

hungry. I'm trying to get some breakfast.

Didn't I just tell you,

you have to start eating healthier?

Cora, hell, I don't wanna hear that.

I know you're probably standing

right next to a vending machine right now.

What you got, a honey bun?

Byron!

Cora, listen, I got to go now.

Girl, I'm driving on the phone. You know

Oprah don't want me driving on the phone.

Goodbye.

I'm upset, or whatever the case may be.

I would like to have a ham,

egg and cheese biscuit and orange juice.

Call Day back...

No, you call him on your phone,

I'm gonna keep callin' Byron, but

I'm gonna keep hanging up, answering,

"Nah, nah, nah." Hold on.

- Heller?

- Lady, I hear you. Hold on!

- You better answer that phone or...

- Okay.

All right. The service ain't

what it used to be either, I tell you.

It's Sabrina. Byron...

You need to go on

Maury for him, girl.

For real, dawg.

It's hot as hell in this Cadillac

and I don't have no air conditioner.

What do you wanna eat?

I want a ham and egg

and a cheese biscuit, okay? Heller!

We're out of ham.

You out of ham?

Okay. All right. Fine, fine.

Then give me an egg and cheese biscuit.

We're out of egg.

You're out of egg? You're just...

Fine! Then just give me a damn biscuit.

It's 10:
31, ma'am,

and we just stopped serving breakfast.

Hold the hell on. I've been sitting here

for 15 minutes waiting on your... No, honey.

No, no, no. I don't care. I want breakfast.

You want something else

like lunch or something?

Ain't nobody say nothing about no lunch.

I don't want no lunch. I want breakfast.

- Breakfast ended at 10:30...

- Oh, hell no.

Everybody's all screaming around me

or whatever.

- I don't know what you talkin' about.

- Little girl.

What?

I'm about to get carbon peroxide poisoning

in this damn car,

waiting on you to get me my damn food.

This Cadillac is old as hell.

Where's my food at, honey?

We're out of egg, we're out of ham,

and we're out of cheese and biscuit.

So can you get out of line, please?

Where's your manager, honey?

Look, I am the manager.

Now move!

Move!

You hear these people, it's crazy! For real!

She got crazy.

What the...

Hell, you ain't got no damn sense.

I told you I want my damn food.

Oh, my God!

I'm taking everything you got.

You act like you ain't got no sense...

Lady, what is wrong with you?

- Oh, my God!

- What the hell's wrong with you?

You're gonna videotape me?

You're gonna videotape me?

I'm taking it out.

I'm trying to be patient, I don't

know what the hell's wrong with y'all.

Old people, y'all act like

y'all ain't got no sense...

- I'm takin' some food...

- Where you at?

...and I'm feeding my fat-ass daughter and

everybody else and see how you like that.

You ain't seen nothing.

I can't wait for you. If you lookin' for me,

my name is Cora Simmons.

...one, two.

I called everybody.

- Good!

- Yep.

You scared, Shirley?

Ain't no room for fear

when you're this tired.

Bam,

I don't want nobody screaming

at my funeral.

- Shirley. I don't wanna talk about...

- Come on now.

Listen to me. I can't

tell this to my children.

I want Reverend Jackson

to give an uplifting sermon.

And I don't want you to let my children

fight about anything.

And I want Sister Laura

to sing that song I like,

"Heaven's Waiting for Me."

Will you do that for me?

Yes, I will, baby,

but Shirley,

you're probably gonna outlive us all.

Only God knows.

Well, just in case you do,

...when I die, I don't want no flowers.

- No?

No, I don't want no flowers.

I want y'all to plant marijuana stalks

all around my grave.

- I knew I'd make you smile.

- Go!

Instead of pouring some for the homies,

like the young folks there,

I want y'all to have a

puff, puff, pass, repass.

Just pass them all out. Just pass them.

I wanna say, "Puff, puff, pass, repass."

Put that down!

- I love to hear you laugh.

- God gonna get you.

- No. I...

- Puff, puff, pass...

- I want you to start it off. - All that

noise goin' on in here. Hey, Mama.

- Hey. Hi, honey.

- Hi.

Give me little Byron.

Come here, little Byron.

- Go to Aunt Bam.

- Byron.

Take little Byron. Take that baby.

Smell like a grown man

did it in that diaper.

- Change that baby's diaper.

- Please.

- Get that off of me.

- Okay, Mama.

Let's go upstairs

and change you then, huh?

Get you fresh. Baby, can you hand me

a diaper out the bag?

I am not the nanny. Here.

- Well, thank you.

- You're welcome.

All right, Mama. I'm gonna go change him.

Don't you think

you need to be going with him somewhere?

Why? That is not my baby.

I don't like you.

- Excuse me?

- I said I don't like you.

- So?

- Bam, the baby is here.

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