Shrek the Musical

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Once upon a time,

there was a little

ogre named Shrek...

...who lived with his parents

in a bog by a tree.

It was a pretty nasty place,

but he was happy

because ogres like nasty.

On his birthday, the little ogre's

parents sat him down to talk,

just as all ogre parents had

for hundreds of years before.

Listen, son

You're growing up so quickly

Growing up

Bigger by the day

Although we want you here

The rules are very clear

- Now you're seven

- Now you're seven

- So it's time to go away

- So it's time to go away

Your mama packed a sandwich

for your trip

Your papa packed your boots

in case of snow

- You're gonna make us proud

- You're gonna make us proud

- No backing up allowed

- No backing up allowed

- Just keep walking

- Just keep walking

- And you'll find

- And you'll find

- Somewhere to go

- Somewhere to go

- It's a big, bright, beautiful world

- It's a big, bright, beautiful world

- With happiness all around

- With happiness all around

- It's peaches and cream

- It's peaches and cream

- And every dream comes true

- And every dream comes true

- But not for you

- But not for you

- It's a big, bright, beautiful world

- It's a big, bright, beautiful world

- With possibilities everywhere

- With possibilities everywhere

- And just around the bend

- And just around the bend

- There's a friend or two

- There's a friend or two

- But not for you

- But not for you

We're ugly, son

Which means that life is harder

No, no, no!

People hate the things

They cannot understand

And when they look at us

They tend to make a fuss

Burn our houses down

And chase us

- Off our land

- Off our land

It's important

that you find a cozy cesspit

A place no one

would ever dare to tread

And if they happen by

Make sure you terrify them

- If you don't, son

- If you don't, son

- Then you'll surely wind up dead

- Then you'll surely wind up dead

- Goodbye!

- Goodbye!

Watch out for men with pitchforks!

And so,

the little ogre went on his merry way.

And wherever he went,

crowds would welcome him

with festive torches and hatchets

and fun things like that.

But whenever the little ogre

tried to join in the fun...

...his new friends would suddenly

realize they had other things to do.

So the ogre did

what his parents had told him to.

He found a perfectly rancid swamp,

and there he stayed for many years,

all alone,

but very happy with how his life

had turned out.

Oh, come on. Not again. Aw...

Keep your big, bright,

beautiful world

I'm happy where I am, all alone

I've got all I need

So read the stinkin' sign!

Ow!

Keep your big, bright,

beautiful world

I party on my own anyway

Doin' what I can

with a one-man conga-line

Yeah, your big, bright

beautiful world

Is all teddy bears and unicorns

Take your fluffy fun

and shove it where the sun don't shine!

I prefer a life like this

It's not that complicated

Sure, I'm fated to be lonely

and I'm destined to be hated

If you read the books

they say it's why I was created

But I don't care

'Cause being liked

Is grossly overrated

Who needs

a big, bright, beautiful world?

I've got my own little patch

of the world

It's not a big, bright

beautiful world

But it's mine

All alone, it's mine

And it's mine

Yeah!

All mine!

Right this way!

- Aw!

- Ooh!

- Don't mind the mud.

- You'll get used to it.

This is not appropriate for wood.

I'm gonna bail

if we're in here for too long.

You know what? This bog...

- This place is a dump!

- It's awful.

- Take deep breaths, brother.

- He has panic attacks.

- This little piggy needs some Paxil.

- Oh!

Look, you read Lord

Farquaad's decree.

Yeah, yeah, we read it.

"All fairy-tale creatures have been

banished from the Kingdom of Duloc.

All fruitcakes and freaks will be sent

to a 'resettlement facility. '"

- Um... it smells like butt.

- Yes.

She's right. It really stinks.

When I call your name, step forward.

Pinocchio, the Puppet!

I am not a puppet, I'm a real boy.

- That's your patch of mud down there.

- Thank you very much.

- Shoemaker's Elf!

- Yes. Right here.

- Ugly Duckling!

- Aw! Dumped on a swamp!

Man, I tell you, sometimes being

a fairy-tale creature sucks pine sap!

Life is disappointing

Woe is what I know

Outed by my nose

That's just how it goes

for poor Pinocchio

Story of my life

Always doomed to fail

Cheated by a fox

Swallowed by a whale

That's the story

of my life, oh yeah

That's the story of my life

Three Bears, take your spot

over there by that sign.

No, that's too far!

Too close.

Ah! Just right.

Strife is never ending

Fairy Godmother!

- Banished from the town

- Wicked Witch!

They dragged me from the pond

They broke my magic wand

They blew our condos down

Mad Hatter!

Life is but a witch hunt

Mama's in the mud

Mama's in distress

They ridiculed my hat

They said that we were fat

They tore my cotton granny dress

and called me a hot and tranny mess

Sugar Plum Fairy!

Story of my life

Booted from the ball

The party's off the hook

But I'm too off-the-wall

That's the story of my life

You're late, Rabbit!

- That's the story of my life

- Have fun, you guys.

That's the story of my life

And remember,

if we find you back in the kingdom,

you will be executed.

I always dreamed

I'd get a happy ending

And this right here?

Not how it goes

I always dreamed

I'd get an "ever after"

If this is it, it blows

It blows

It blows

This is worse than that time

I caught Dutch elm disease in Tijuana!

Story of my life

All the wasted prayers

All the broken dreams

All the broken chairs

All the damage done

All the busted beds

- All the shattered bowls

- And the porridge on our heads

That's the story of my life, yes, sir

That's the story

of my life, oy vey!

That's the story of my

Life

What are you doing in my swamp?

Oh, gosh!

Well, we were forced to come here.

- Forced? By who?

- Lord Farquaad!

He huffed und he puffed

und he signed an eviction notice.

Oh, really?!

Well, not my problem.

Now you all need to turn around

and go back where you came from.

Go back? We can't go back!

Farquaad will turn us

into bratwurst!

Oh! The guy's bad news.

Hey, maybe

you could talking to him, huh?

Yeah, he'd listen to you!

You're big and scary.

I'm also an ogre,

which means I stay on my swamp

and avoid large crowds.

Or haven't you read the stories?

Ha! You mean those stories that say

that I'm a big, bad wolf?

- Oh yeah! That's so funny!

- Hey...

And the ones that say

I'm a wicked witch?

Or... Or the ones that say

that I'm a "wooden boy. "

What? I'm not a wooden boy.

I have a glandular condition.

Look here, ogre,

I'm gonna spell it out for you.

We don't want us here

any more than you do.

But you are the only one

tough enough to stand up

to that no-good flimflammer Farquaad.

Tough enough?

You don't even know me!

I always dreamed

I'd get a happy ending

It was foretold in my horoscope

Can't you help us out

with an "ever after"?

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