What We Did on Our Holiday Page #3

they can't make me any better

and the treatments

they've been giving me

have been putting

a terrible strain on my heart.

But right now,

right this second, I feel brilliant.

- What is this?

- It's my notebook.

You know, Lottie,

a lot of life doesn't look very good

written down.

So, cousin Kenneth

is the one who took the keys?

Yeah, isn't he a naughty boy?

And where did cousin Kenneth

put the keys?

Right.

- Lost something?

- No.

Ready for football?

Leon, hi. No, still very keen.

- Oh, nice header.

- Yeah, all right. Yeah.

- It's mine!

- Hey?

Oh! There you go.

Maybe your parents just lied

to protect you.

- Do you ever lie?

- Well, I've told lots of lies.

Lots and lots of lies.

I always lied to policemen

who said, "What speed were you going?"

I say, "30mph," when I was clearly

doing much faster than that.

And I don't care.

Sometimes, if your intentions

are good, it's OK to lie.

And if you don't like

someone's food at someone's house,

and you say, "This is great,"

even though...

That's what you do. You don't say,

"My God, I think I'm gonna vomit here. "

What you're saying is,

it's OK to lie to some people sometimes?

Yeah, it's also good fun.

For instance...

Maybe we can find him in here.

George Judd.

There he is, that's him there.

When he told him there was an

elephant leech clinging to his bollocks,

he got such a fright,

he completely fainted.

- Is that you?

- No, I'm the wee one.

So who's that?

Er...

How could I forget?

Dip me in vinegar

and call me a fish supper.

I have here

a chocolate model of the Alps.

Ta-dah!

Here he comes,

weaving his magic.

And he's clean through...

- Foul!

- Come on! I hardly touched you!

And so it begins.

Kenneth, your ball!

- Oh, for Christ's sake!

- Gavin!

What is wrong with you?

For crying out loud.

- Mickey, this is your ball!

- I'm a Berserker!

Will you stop being a Berserker? Ow!

- And England are rattled.

- I'm not England.

You're so English,

you're practically French.

Oh, no! I think I see

a marauding Berserker!

Help!

- That would have killed me.

- I've killed you!

But I moved my heart

to the other side, thank goodness.

- You can't.

- You can when you're Scottish.

- You've got a movable heart.

- You're dead.

Jess! Kick it in the goal!

Kenneth, you spaz!

Gavin, please!

Get the bloody ball!

She's gonna score!

Jess! Oh, God. Jess, are you OK?

- Darling!

- I'm so sorry, Jess.

- I'm sorry.

- It's all right.

- I'm really, really sorry.

- It wasn't your fault.

No, no, it was his fault.

- Is she OK?

- No harm done.

Come on, let's get you some ice cream.

I'll make you a hot chocolate...

I'm just gonna take this penalty.

- Did you really play for Scotland?

- Aye, I did.

Just the once, against Cyprus.

- Did you score?

- I certainly did.

A cracking header into the top corner...

of my own net.

That's probably why

you only played once.

Somebody going to go in goal?

Gavin?

So how are you feeling?

Really, really pissed off

with this dying thing.

Terribly, utterly

100 percent pissed off.

Like millions before me.

You could look on the bright side.

You dodged Alzheimer's.

Gavin!

This morning I was thinking of Doug

when he was Jess's age.

I used to tickle him

and he'd go, "No, no, no!"

Then when I was finished,

he'd go, "More, more, more, more!"

Which sums up

exactly how I feel about living.

One-all.

Right, time, everybody!

Margaret!

The keys are back

Hm-hmm.

Uncle Gavin, are you rich?

This place is enormous.

Er, no, no, no. Comfortable.

This isn't actually...

This is owned by my company, not by me,

so I use, like, a tax wrapper...

- Are you like a tax man?

- No. No, no...

What is your actual job then?

Well, er, I have an interest

in a fund...

- So you're a banker?

- No. No, I work with banks...

- Dad said bankers are scum.

- Hmm!

Did I say? Well...

I might have done, yeah.

Would you ever have thought

that you would own this house

if you were not a banker?

- I'm not a banker.

- Yeah, Gav. What is your actual job?

- What is scum?

- I use money to make money.

- That doesn't make sense.

- Margaret!

When will we ever get

this answer out of you?

I'm giving you the answer, you're not...

- Is it gonna be the 12th of July?

- Enough.

- I'm a short seller.

- You sell shorts?

A short sailor?

Not a short sailor, a short seller.

Your friends, do they sell shoes,

socks, hairpieces?

What sort of millionaire are you?

OK, I've got lots of money, OK?

Lots of money!

I've got shares, I've got property,

I've got gold.

I've got lots of money! Can we just?

Margaret!

If this has got another two minutes,

we're gonna get obese.

I can even feel myself

getting obese now.

Sweetie, that's...

This is killing me.

Right now,

do you realise this is killing me?

You should have told me about Granddad.

- I'm sorry.

- Shh, shh, shh!

You and Mum need to stop lying.

If you didn't lie so much,

maybe you'd still be together.

Bravo!

And maybe Mum wouldn't be on the phone

to her solicitor all night

banging on about breaches

and leave to remove.

More!

Wasn't that great?

Sorry, I shouldn't have...

Kenneth, darling, it's fine.

This, it's just something women do

when they get a bit older.

It's perfectly normal.

Just letting off a bit of steam.

Is this about the... incident?

Incident? What incident?

Mum, it's on YouTube.

- Leave to remove?

- I need the toilet.

- Doug!

- I texted my solicitor.

I'm dying for a pee.

You're planning to take

my children away, aren't you?

- Somewhere that's...

- Newcastle, OK? Newcastle, right?

- Now is not the time to talk about it.

- When is a good time?

When I'm not on the toilet.

- Newcastle?

- Yeah.

You're seriously gonna take my children

to live in Newcastle?

- I'm thinking about it.

- Have you told the kids?

- You found this?

- Yeah.

I think it's a king's brooch

because it's got the Tree of Life on it.

Is it true you're a Viking?

Cos Dad said you were.

Oh, yeah. University Hospital

were doing DNA tests

and wanted volunteers.

And seeing as they were

forever taking my blood anyway,

seems I'm 84 percent Viking.

That's most of me.

Look, come on. I thought we agreed

that this weekend was about your dad

and we'd put all personal issues

on hold. We agreed, didn't we?

- Yeah.

- Then unlock the bloody door.

- How would I see the kids?

- You'd come to Newcastle.

- What?

- A few hours on the train.

- Four hours at least.

- Three hours 12 minutes.

- Nearly seven hours there and back.

- Will you let me out?

- Every weekend, seven hours?

- I'd like to leave, please.

Weekends would be much worse,

they do engineering work.

I'd spend my life

on a bus replacement service.

- Let me out.

- You're doing this out of revenge.

Either behave in a mature

and adult way

or I scream "rape" out of this window.

Oh, not that again.

Why did you pull

the horns off your helmet?

Cos it's historically incorrect.

Cos Viking helmets didn't have horns.

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