'8 Out of 10 Cats' Does 'Deal or No Deal' Page #2

---

That is not the object of the game.

You've got three so far.

Three reds, one blue.

Right, OK.

What's the next box?

On here, it is 19.

Where's 19?

Hello.

Nick Helm. Hello, Nick.

Hello.

Got a good feeling about that box

there in front of you?

Don't really care.

LAUGHTER:

Good luck, Sean.

Thanks, Nick.

Good luck, Jon.

Thanks, Nick.

F*** you, Jimmy.

GROANING:

The first big...

10,000 gone.

The next number in the system

is number five.

Another one of Jon's friends.

I'm just delighted

how many friends I have.

John, you used

to live with Jon, right?

How is it living

with Jon Richardson?

He's particular.

He's the only person

who's ever billed me for cleaning.

LAUGHTER:

It's not like that was day one when

we lived together that I decided...

I was sick of tidying the house

and I thought, "Do you know what?

"If we had a cleaner

they would get paid for this."

The important thing about it is

it changed absolutely nothing!

I did not get paid

and the house did not remain tidy.

Tears are a natural cleaning agent.

OK, let's open box number 5 and see.

We're hoping for blue here.

GROANING:

20,000 gone.

Interestingly, that's how much you

owe me for cleaning, as well.

That's painful, isn't it?

Shall we see what

the banker has to say?

Shall we see what Brian thinks?

You're trying to demystify him

by calling him Brian.

Yes. It's like Voldemort.

PHONE RINGS:

Oh, one-nil to you, Brian!

LAUGHTER:

Hello, Brian.

Seven years you've chatted

to no-one but Noel Edmonds,

you poor, poor man.

It's like the Bat Phone, isn't it?

The Penguin has taken over.

His job as the banker

on Deal Or No Deal

is to get inside people's heads.

Sean, you're not worried about.

He's easy to read,

predictable, one level.

A lot of people have made

that mistake in the past.

Brian.

Show business is littered

with fools like you.

You're worried about Jon.

Jon, he saying you're "formidable".

Touche, Brian.

Smart, meticulous, circumspect.

No, I'm not.

All of your offers

are going to be aimed at Jon.

I've never been treated like this...

by an imaginary person in my life.

It's not an imaginary person, it's

the banker I've got on the phone.

Why can't I hear the background

noise of Spearmint Rhino?

LAUGHTER:

The opening offer, Jon...

He's trying to get inside your head

by getting inside mine.

That's what they're trying to do.

He's part of the whole plan.

Shut up, woman!

The opening offer is 6,500.

APPLAUSE:

6,500.

You have to agree

on all these decisions.

You can pick the boxes individually

but you have to agree

on these big decisions.

I think it's clear

at the moment, isn't it?

You don't step away from that board.

OK, 6,500.

Deal or no deal?

- No. - Deal.

APPLAUSE:

Jon, what are you

planning on doing?

Are you going with his system

or are you going to go rogue?

Three boxes to open.

I don't like the pressure.

Have a move around.

I mean, where are you drawn to?

Where do you think the money is?

What would you pick now?

LAUGHTER:

Guys, I know I didn't

come on that weird

Brokeback Mountain trip with you...

but that's because I had a nightmare

about a moment like this.

You are about to find out

what we learnt.

LAUGHING:

What would you want to go with?

That was Sean's system.

What are you going to go for?

It's working now, isn't it?

It's not really working.

That's an OK board.

We've got the power five, Jimmy.

I've turned into a Deal person!

LAUGHTER:

How did this happen?

The power five are there, yes,

but look how many reds

you're missing now.

So I'm going off system.

Are you?

(AUDIENCE) Oooh!

They are not happy

about you going off system.

He's his own man.

He's got to go with his own...

I'm not my own man!

Why would you go off system?

Jon, imagine me and you

in the Caribbean together.

How do I avoid that happening?

LAUGHTER:

I'm going to stick with this

system for two reasons.

One because it's working and two,

because as the system would have it,

it would be Mark,

my remaining friend.

PHONE RINGS:

We haven't even chosen something!

I think he just sat on the phone.

Dream Factory.

I'll ask... You're sticking

with the system, yes?

Yes.

The banker says

that he was wrong about you.

(AUDIENCE) Oooh!

Exactly.

Inside your head, Jon.

He's scared of me.

Otherwise he wouldn't be

trying to scare me.

He's more scared of me

than I am of him.

Tell him that. Phone about now.

Do you know his number?

- I can phone him, yes. - Phone him.

One?!

How old is he?

Did he have the first phone?

LAUGHTER:

Hello.

Banker.

Brian.

Jon says that you're afraid of him.

He's not afraid of you.

I can hear him crying.

He's saying that that sounds

like the talk of a man

who can't abandon the system because

he wants to be able to blame Sean

for whatever happens.

That's exactly what's happening.

Pick a box.

I'm picking Mark but for my own

reasons, not because of the system.

Mark Olver, friend of the show,

friend of Jon's,

friends of all of ours.

Open your box.

GASPS:

Pass me the envelope, mate(!)

The system's broken.

I stuck with you as long as I could

because I'm a good friend.

When a man's got to take a decision,

a man takes a decision.

All right.

What decisions should I make?

I'm going to go with Gemma,

number six.

Gemma Collins, of course,

star of The Only Way Is Essex.

If you won a quarter of

a million pounds, Gemma,

how would you waste it?

I think I would buy a pink Bentley

and then have, like, all

Swarovski crystals inside it.

Right. Inside?

That doesn't sound very comfortable.

Oh, shut up.

Not on the seats. Just on the

dashboard, and the gear stick,

and the steering wheel.

That's what you want on the steering

wheel in the event of an accident.

The hardest substance on earth.

This is the first non-system box

of the game.

And you picked it, Jon.

OK, Gemma, if you could open

the number 6 box.

GROANING:

15,000.

Only five reds remain.

Four of them are huge numbers.

I'm going to take the man

who implemented the system

out of the game.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Andy Smart,

you're one of Sean's friends.

I notice a lot of Jon's

friends live with Jon.

All of Sean's previous flatmates

are either dead or missing.

LAUGHTER:

OK, shall we open this box?

Let's hope for blue.

APPLAUSE:

PHONE RINGS:

Oh!

What if we just don't answer.

He'll just go, won't he?

He anticipated that you would

refuse to answer the telephone.

How do we know?

So he hired himself an assistant.

Yes, like a real man.

Send someone else to do it.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Joe

Wilkinson, the banker's assistant.

APPLAUSE:

Joe, how did you get this job?

I was at the Jobcentre this morning

and they said, did I

want to be a banker's assistant?

I went "No."

But they mentioned a little someone

was going to be on the show,

Susie Dent,

and we've got a bit of history.

From Countdown, you know.

Lovers, I'll say the word.

LAUGHTER:

Susie, is that true?

Yes, it's true.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes