'Pimpernel' Smith Page #5

- I know.

- Oh, the jolly Miss Coles.

- Good evening, General.

- General von Graum.

- Oh yes, of course.

- Not a very good memory.

Nervous?

- Not in the least.

- Well you know what you're looking for?

- I have my own idea.

- A typical English guards

officer, man about town.

Or perhaps the explorer type.

Strong, silent, resolute.

- Guard's officer, man

about town, explorer.

- Perhaps that man there.

- Or there.

Or there.

No, I'm afraid that's not

the type I'm looking for.

- No?

- No.

I'm looking for brain, not brawn.

- As you will.

Anyhow, all I can tell you

is that the man we want

will be here tonight.

See what you can do.

- Don't forget the General's name again.

- Thank you, sir.

- Sir Roger and Lady Tadworth.

- Your card please, sir.

Thank you.

This way please.

Thank you sir.

- His excellency

the Chilean ambassador.

- Have you got a match?

- I'll get you one, sir.

- Thank you.

- Senor and Senorita Goya.

- Old soldiers.

- Yes sir.

- Sorry sir.

Professor Horatio Smith.

- Hello George.

- Hello Horace.

- Well I've come as I promised.

- Well that's splendid.

- Can I go now?

- Oh I should stay a

bit and enjoy yourself.

- Alright.

- That's a nice suit.

You make it yourself?

- Certainly not, a fellow

in Cambridge made it for me

when I was 17.

- Alice, I'd like you to meet

my brother Professor Smith.

Lady Willoughby.

- How do you do?

- Not the Professor Smith?

Why only the other day

someone said I was the image

of your Aphrodite.

What do you think?

- Well it's rather hard to judge, you see,

I only know my Aphrodite in the nude.

- Horace, I don't know

whether these details

of your private life--

- Yes well, to the pure all things impure.

- If I were you I should

take things a bit easy.

- It's alright, my head's like iron.

- In more ways than one, believe me.

- Say, there's the prof.

And it looks like he wants me.

- You mean us.

- Who is that?

- I've no idea.

- He's here.

- How do you know?

I've just been upstairs and--

- Have you noticed that, sir?

- I do my best not to, Mr. Gregson.

- I'll bet she's got

a headache holding that up.

- Yes, let that serve as a

reminder to you gentlemen

that the rendezvous is 11:30 at Dvorak's.

- And I think I know who he is.

- Oh, who?

- I don't speak until I'm certain.

- I thought you said there

were half a dozen cards

with their corners torn off.

- Yes, but only one that will exactly fit

the one that I have here.

- I can hardly imagine

the man you're looking for

being wise enough to tear

the corners from half a dozen

and foolish enough to leave his own card.

- You are a very intelligent young woman.

- Very intelligent of you to realize it.

- Now that he's in here I

can promise he won't get out.

- I haven't any complaints.

- The champagne's not too

hot, in fact it's lukewarm.

- What do you expect baby?

It's free!

See Naples and die.

Boy, do you see what I see?

- Now's your chance.

- Gotta do things artistically.

There's a different approach to each type.

Watch me.

- Excuse me.

Oh, I'm so sorry, I thought

you were somebody else.

- Von Graum.

- Smith.

Clearly a case of mistaken identity,

I'm looking for Jekyll and I find Hyde.

- Jekyll?

Hyde?

Oh an English joke.

- Well, hardly a joke.

- Well excuse me.

- No no no, you mustn't go,

tell me more about yourself.

I'm always interested in

local customs and habits.

For instance, what do

you do with yourself?

- I hunt for the enemies of the Reich.

- Do you?

Do you get much shooting?

Oh waiter.

- Well excuse me, I

think someone wants me.

- No no no, not til

you've had your coffee.

They tell me the British

Embassy is the last place

in Germany where it can be obtained.

- In Germany we have

discovered that a substitute

can be better than the real thing.

- Ah, the story of the grapes.

Tell me, is it a fact

that in your country,

there's no longer any freedom of speech?

- All lies, all lies.

Of the degenerate, plutocratic press.

- Ah, is that so?

Well then you see that

journalism is so untrustworthy,

isn't it?

- May I ask what brings

you to Germany, Herr Smith?

- A thirst for knowledge.

I'm trying to discover

whether there was or was not

an Aryan civilization in this country.

- There was.

- Ah, some people say there

wasn't, but I shall find out.

- Here's a whiskey, Bussy,

what'll you have in it?

- Absolutely nothing.

- You know it is extraordinary.

Bussy's vocabulary consists of--

- Absolutely nothing.

- It's sublime.

- It's ridiculous.

- It can mean anything.

- And it can mean absolutely nothing.

- It can even be an insult.

- Or a password.

- Password!

- Tell me, I am curious.

Your English humorist Lewis Carroll.

Why does he write such idiocy?

Listen.

"Twas brillig and the slithy toves

"did gyre and gimble in the wabe."

Does not make sense.

- But it does!

Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

did gyre and gimble in the wabe.

All mimsy were the borogroves

and the mome raths outgrabe.

It makes perfect sense.

- But what does it mean?

- It means whatever you want it to mean.

You can either use it

lyrically or, as I'm afraid

I do sometimes, in place of swear words.

- Extraordinary.

- As a matter of fact you

know ever since I've been

in Germany, I've felt exactly

like Alice in Wonderland.

- Oh but Germany is a Wonderland.

- Oh it is, it is.

- But we have one problem.

To be or not to be, as our

great German poet said.

- German?

But that's Shakespeare.

- But you don't know.

- Well I know it's Shakespeare.

I thought Shakespeare was English.

- No no, Shakespeare is a German.

Professor Schutzbacher has

proved it once and for all.

- Oh dear, how very upsetting.

Still, you must admit that

the English translations

are most remarkable.

- Goodnight.

- Goodnight, goodnight,

parting is such sweet sorrow.

- What is that?

- One of the most famous

lines in German literature.

- You haven't even told me your name.

- It's Ludmilla.

- What a lullaby.

Millie for short?

- No.

Lucinka.

- Ah.

- Have you noticed the music stopped?

- Oh, right back to earth again.

- Let's talk about you for a change.

Apart from being American, what are you?

- I'm a student of archaeology.

- Very funny.

- On the level.

I'm a member of the

Professor Smith expedition

and proud of it.

- Smith.

Oh, the vague person I saw you talking to?

Looks as though he hated coming

into the middle of a room?

- The greatest guy that ever drew breath.

- Really?

I always said one shouldn't

go by appearances.

- I could tell you things about him

that'd knock the legs from under you.

- You could?

Then do.

- No, I guess you'll have

to take my word for it.

- Then get me a glass of

champagne to make up for it.

- Sure!

- I'm certain it's him, I've

just been listening to him.

- What did he say?

- Absolutely nothing.

- Then why bother me?

- But that's what he said.

- Did you want me?

- Yes.

Our friend Marx thinks that

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