'Pimpernel' Smith Page #9

- That'd be the last thing I'd do.

Perhaps if you came back tomorrow--

- Tomorrow?

Do you want me to keep

the representatives of six

of the biggest newspapers

in America waiting outside

this building until tomorrow?

Unless I get those permits in two minutes,

you'll be responsible.

- I'll be responsible?

- Right!

I know what I'll do.

Get me Dr. Goebbels.

- No, no, Herr Voldenschift, shaft.

I'll find the permits.

- Well find them, find them.

- There are some here, sir.

- That's better, now you

can fill them up as we go.

- As we go?

- Certainly, didn't I say?

You're coming with us.

- No no, I have work to do here.

- Oh, this is too much,

please, get me Dr. Goebbels.

- No no no, I can finish the work at home.

- That's right, we've been

waiting long enough, come along.

Come along.

You know, the trouble

with you propaganda boys,

you get so used to telling

lies, you don't recognize

the truth when you hear it.

- Well orders are orders.

- Hmm.

Heil Hitler.

- Heil Hitler.

- You know Gravitz, you're a smart boy.

- Thank you, sir.

- Yes, you can do something for me.

Ring up the Grosberg camp and

tell them we're on the way.

Have them prepare everything in the usual

Ministry of Propaganda style.

And remember, America is

a soft-hearted democracy.

You get me?

- Leave that to me, Herr Voldenschatz.

- Your umbrella, sir.

- Oh, umbrella.

Thank you.

Dirty boots.

- The journalists

are just arriving,

Herr Kommandant.

- Heil Hitler.

- Heil Hitler.

- I'm Steinhof of the

Ministry of Propaganda.

This is Herr Voldenschatz

from Nazi American bund.

- I am honored.

- Heil Hitler.

Allow me to present to

you the Chicago Tribune,

Baltimore Sun, New York Herald

Tribune, Boston Transcript,

Philadelphia Public Ledger,

and the Scripps Howard Syndicate.

350 newspapers throughout

America, colossal.

- 349.

- I beg your pardon, I love accuracy.

- Welcome, gentlemen.

Let me show you around our little camp.

You will see how happy everybody is.

- Come on, do your propaganda stuff.

You can talk, can't you?

- You see gentlemen,

there is plenty of food.

Eggs, vegetables, bread,

butter, jam, and fruit.

- Real fruit.

- Atten Hut!

Is everybody happy?

- Yes sir.

- Everybody's happy.

The eggs were fresh for breakfast?

- Yes, Herr Kommandant.

- The eggs were fresh.

- For breakfast.

- Good.

In this hut, we have some

men who were stupid enough

to insult our beloved Fuhrer.

The editor of an anarchist Polish paper,

and four misguided German contributors.

Hut!

- Well, I'm glad you've

all learnt the truth.

In America they have the idiotic idea

that German concentration camps

are full of unhappy people.

And the truth is the

American people only pretend

to be democratic.

At heart they are 100%

national socialists.

I thank you.

Heil Hitler.

Well, goodbye Voldenschatz.

You were the quintessence of

all the most objectionable men

I ever met, but you

served a noble purpose.

- I don't often lose my nerve,

but can't we get on?

- Alright, he's just coming.

He's just been to telephone

to make sure it's clear

for you to go to your destination.

- Ah.

- All fixed.

- Halt, left turn!

All ready for visiting rounds, sir?

- I'm ready, carry on Sergeant.

- Left turn, march!

Visiting rounds.

Get up.

- What are they doing down there?

Stir them up, Sergeant.

- Get up!

It's the Herr Kommandant!

- Herr Kommandant?

Bring that light a bit closer.

What's happened, sir?

He's unconscious.

Someone must have hit him on the head.

Herr Kommandant.

Herr Kommandant.

Why didn't you know about this, you fool?

- Oh gee.

Oh boy.

My head's like the inside of a beehive.

Talk about pile drivers.

Woo.

- What's happened?

- Journalist slugged by guerrillas!

American flag insulted!

Where's that phony Voldenschatz?

He started it!

- Alarm bell!

Turn out the guard.

Telephone Berlin!

Gentlemen, my apologies,

I don't understand.

I'll get you a car to take you to Berlin.

- Voldenschatz!

- Ah, you oughta be pasted to the wall.

Here, snap out of it fellas

and get into these pants.

- The gentleman, who could forsee it?

The gestapo telephoned!

- Ah, you give me five

minutes with a trans Atlantic

telephone and there won't be gestapo.

- Gentlemen, I apologize.

- Ah, save it!

- How could a simple

sort of man like myself

imagine that instead of

attempting to rescue your father

Tomorrow as I expected

you to do after you had

so carefully examined my papers,

you would rescue him today?

- What do you mean?

What do you mean?

- Your acting is very clever,

but I'm getting a little bored

with it.

Your accomplice may have

rescued your father,

but please remember

that you are still here.

- My father's escaped?

- Yes, astounding, isn't it?

- Herr Reich Minister, Steinhof is here.

- Bring him in.

Take her in there.

Good evening.

And you are the man who

has just been bluffed

by this obvious hoax?

- The gestapo must hold

itself responsible.

- For what?

For the incompetence and stupidity of the

Ministry of Propaganda?

Voldenschatz.

Couldn't any of you have

checked up on his story?

- We are not policemen.

- Unfortunately.

Would you recognize the

man if you saw him again?

- I have an excellent

memory for faces, thank you.

- I may give you an opportunity

to prove it before long.

Marx!

Ah, Marx, that archaeologist.

- Professor Smith?

- Yes, Professor Smith, I

want to see him here at once.

Bring him!

- But he's--

- Do you want me?

Did you want to see me?

- Yes.

- That's odd, because I wanted to see you.

- Come in here.

- Thank you.

I'm so lad to find

you're not busy because

I've been doing a little research work.

- That's just what I wanted to do.

- On the identity of Shakespeare.

- I'd like to know how

you spent this afternoon?

- What's the matter with you?

You seem upset.

I spent the afternoon at

the library at the Embassy.

Now this, this proves

conclusively that Shakespeare

wasn't really Shakespeare at all.

- No?

- No.

He was the Earl of Oxford.

Now you can't pretend

that the Earl of Oxford

was a German, can you?

Now, can you?

- No, no.

- Well, there you are.

- Herr General, how much

longer am I to stand here?

Have you anything to say to me?

- Please, we have a visitor.

I think you have met Professor Smith.

- No, good day.

Goodbye.

- But you have met Herr Voldenschatz.

- Voldenschatz?

Do you know Voldenschatz?

- No.

Should I?

- Bah.

Anyway, I didn't come here

to discuss Shakespeare.

If you want me, you know where I am.

- The Earl of Oxford was a

very bright Elizabethan light,

but this book will tell

you he was a good deal more

than that.

- I owe you an apology, Professor.

Can you spare me a few moments longer?

- With pleasure.

- Here's somebody who will recognize you.

Come in, Miss Coles.

- Ah.

The young lady who asks questions.

- But doesn't answer them.

Professor Smith.

That was a remarkable

affair this afternoon.

- Oh, have I missed something?

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