'Twas the Night Page #7

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WITH A GLOBAL:

POSITIONING:

SATELLITE.

AND THE GPS DON'T LIE.

THE GPS 1162?

Bill:
YOU GOT IT, GIRL.

WELL, HE'S--

HE'S STILL NOT HERE.

OK, WHO

ARE YOU PEOPLE?

NICK IS OUR UNCLE.

HE WAS HERE,

BUT NOW HE'S GONE. OK?

SO--SO JUST MOVE ON.

LISTEN!

WE'VE BEEN DRIVING

AROUND ALL NIGHT.

WE'RE VERY UPSET.

BILL LOS A CONTACT LENS.

IT'S INSIDE

MY OWN HEAD.

I HAVE A MIGRAINE.

AND ELIO HASN'T HURT ANYONE

IN OVER 5 HOURS.

NOW, WE KNOW

HE'S IN THERE.

SO EITHER YOU:

PRODUCE NICK WRIGLEY

RIGHT THIS SECOND...

OR WE'LL GO IN

AND FIND HIM,

EVEN IF WE HAVE:

TO TAKE THIS HOUSE

APART NAIL BY NAIL.

SHINGLE BY SHINGLE!

LIMB BY LIMB.

AFTER YOU,

ELIOT.

Santa:
HOLD ON, NOW.

WAIT A MINUTE.

I THINK THAT THE DESTRUCTION

OF THIS FINE HOME

WILL NOT SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM.

NOW, IN THE SPIRI OF CHRISTMAS--

GET OUT OF THE WAY,

OLD MAN.

[SIGHS]

SOMEONE NEEDS A TICKLE.

KOOCHIE-KOOCHIE-KOOCHIE

KOOCHIE-KOOCHIE!

TICKIE-TICKIE-TICKIE

TICKIE-TICKIE-TICK...

EEE...

EH...

AHEM.

YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.

Nick:
LEAVE THEM ALONE.

Harry:
THERE HE IS!

Bill:
OH,

ISN'T THAT CHARMING?

NICK WRIGLEY:

COMING TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD,

BRINGING:

THE CHRISTMAS CHEER.

OH.

KICKS THE CAR DOOR.

LOVE THE SANTA SUIT,

NICK.

ALSO THE LITTLE BAG

OF PRESENTS.

CUTE, YEAH.

I HOPE FOR YOUR SAKE

THERE'S A PRESENT WORTH

30,000 BUCKS IN YOUR BAG.

OH, I'VE GOT THINGS

WORTH A LOT MORE

THAN THAT.

HA HA HA HA!

THE MAN!

BUT I CAN' GIVE THEM TO YOU.

WHY NOT?

WELL, FIRST OF ALL,

YOU 3 BOYS

HAVE BEEN VERY NAUGHTY.

SECONDLY, THEY'RE...

NOT MINE TO GIVE.

OH, I THOUGHT IT WAS

ALL MINE FOR A WHILE,

BUT, UH...

IT'S NOT WORTH

WHAT I'D HAVE TO

GIVE UP TO KEEP IT,

SO...

ALL THESE LOVELY THINGS

HAVE TO GO BACK:

TO THE PEOPLE:

THEY BELONG TO.

[LAUGHS]

YOU BETTER BE:

KIDDING, WRIGLEY.

NO. NO, I'M NOT.

ELIOT, HE'S ALL YOURS.

RUN, UNCLE NICK!

DON'T WORRY, PETER.

THIS GUY WON'T HURT ME.

AND WHY WON'T I HURT YOU?

'CAUSE, FRANKLY, ELIOT,

DEEP INSIDE,

YOU'RE JUST A SCARED,

UNHAPPY LITTLE MAN.

HA HA HA HA HA!

[BILL AND HARRY LAUGHING]

HA HA HA HA HA HA!

OH, YEAH.

HA HA HA HA HA!

YEAH.

AND BECAUSE:

I HAVE THIS.

[ALL LAUGHING]

OOH HA HA!

AH HA HA!

THERE WE GO.

OHH...

[LAUGHING IN A TINY VOICE]

[LAUGHING TRAILS OFF]

UH-OH.

DID I MENTION "LITTLE"?

UH...UH...UH...

[BOTH GASP]

MOMMY.

[BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY]

[TIRES SCREECH]

GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!

REMEMBER,

HE'S MAKIN' A LIST!

YUK-YUK-YUK-YUK-YUK.

COME HERE.

HA HA HA HA!

PETER!

GOOD JOB, NICK.

OH. HERE.

THANK YOU.

[VOICE BREAKING]

HO HO HO HO HO...

[LAUGHING]

Santa:
AH, COME HERE.

[LAUGHING]

VERY TOUCHING, YOU GUYS.

BUT THIS WHOLE LOVE FES DOESN'T EXACTLY

SOLVE OUR PROBLEMS.

WHAT PROBLEMS?

THE SLEIGH IS BROKEN.

YOU TWO JERKS BLEW OU THE ON-BOARD COMPUTER.

OH, YEAH,

RIGHT.

YEAH.

WHAT ABOUT HOOKING UP

ONE OF OUR COMPUTERS?

GREAT, BUT HOW LONG

AN EXTENSION CORD

DO YOU THINK YOU'D NEED

TO FLY TO THE NORTH POLE?

WOULD A POWERFUL

LAPTOP WORK?

MAYBE.

OH, NO.

NO.

NOT LAPPY.

HO HO HO HO HO!

THANK YOU, KAITLIN.

HO HO HO HO HO...

AND, NICK,

THANK YOU FOR LAPPY.

THIS HAS BEEN:

A VERY GOOD FIRST STEP

ON YOUR LONG ROAD

TO REHABILITATION.

WAIT.

HOW LONG DO I...

ALL RIGHT.

ANYWAY,

IT'S ABOUT TIME

YOU GOT SOMETHING

FOR CHRISTMAS:

BESIDES:

MILK AND COOKIES.

[CHUCKLES]

AND I'LL TAKE CARE

OF YOUR RETURNS FOR YOU.

UNLESS, OF COURSE,

YOU'D CARE TO COME ALONG

AND DO IT YOURSELF?

UH, SANTA,

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT,

BUT, UH...

WE NEED:

UNCLE NICK HERE.

'CAUSE, UH,

WHAT'S CHRISTMAS

WITHOUT A FAMILY

TO CELEBRATE I WITH?

WELL, IN THAT CASE,

I'D BETTER BE GOING.

NOW, REMEMBER,

YOU GOTTA KEEP THIS

UNDER YOUR HATS, ALL RIGHT?

NOT A WORD TO ANYONE.

RIGHT?

OK.

[CLEARS THROAT]

YOU KNOW, I'M GOING

TO HAVE TO RECONSIDER

THIS WHOLE "NAUGHTY

AND NICE" TRADITION.

IT'S NOT AS BLACK AND WHITE

AS I THOUGHT.

AND I HAVE YOU WRIGLEYS

TO THANK FOR THAT.

WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Kids:
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Nick:
MERRY CHRISTMAS,

SANTA.

WELL?

GIVE US SOME ROOM!

OOH.

OH.

SORRY.

Danny:
BYE, SANTA!

Kaitlin:
BYE, SANTA.

Nick:
BYE!

Kaitlin:
MERRY CHRISTMAS,

SANTA.

Danny:

HAVE A NICE TRIP!

Nick:
THANK YOU, SANTA!

Peter:
MERRY CHRISTMAS,

SANTA.

[CHUCKLES]

"NOT A CREATURE

WAS STIRRING,

NOT EVEN A MOUSE."

BOY, DO I FEEL SILLY.

JUST A SECOND.

I ALREADY GO MY BIG PRESENT.

MM.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[DOOR SLAMS]

[BELLS JINGLING]

[FOOTSTEPS COMING DOWNSTAIRS]

[LAUGHING AND SHOUTING]

UNCLE NICK, IT'S CHRISTMAS!

IT'S TIME FOR PRESENTS.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S CHRISTMAS TODAY.

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

Abby:
OH,

MERRY CHRISTMAS, NICK.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

YEAH.

[EVERYONE LAUGHING

AND TALKING]

John:
WHAT TIME IS IT?

Kaitlin:
DADDY,

THIS ONE'S FOR YOU.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

OH, WHAT'S THAT ONE?

OH, GOSH.

FOR ME? THANK YOU.

I THINK:

YOU GOT ONE HERE.

OOH!

THANK YOU.

THERE YOU GO.

WHO'S THIS FROM?

Peter:
THAT'S FOR YOU.

YEAH. THIS--THIS--

THAT'S FOR YOU.

Abby:

THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS,

MOM AND DAD.

I OWE YOU:

ONE PRESENT."

THAT'S, UH...

THAT'S LOVELY.

Danny:
I--I DIDN'T KNOW

WHAT TO GET YOU.

YEAH...

I TOLD YOU:

WHAT I WANT.

MERRY CHRISTMAS,

DANNY.

Danny:
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU.

YOU OPEN UP THAT ONE.

I THINK YOU'RE GONNA

LIKE THAT.

[UNWRAPPING PRESENT]

Peter:
UNCLE NICK,

I FOUND ONE FOR YOU.

FOR ME?

YEAH.

OK. GREAT.

TOSS IT.

UHH!

GEE, IT'S TOO BIG.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

HOLD ON THERE, PAL.

Nick:
OH, WOW.

IT'S MY GUITAR.

THE ONE FROM:

McCUSACK'S MUSIC STORE.

Kaitlin:

OH, LOOK, A CARD.

YOU FORGO TO READ IT.

"TO MY FAVORITE NAUGHTY BOY.

"SORRY FOR THE DELAY,

"BUT BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.

LOVE, SANTA."

OH.

PLAY IT, UNCLE NICK.

YEAH. YEAH,

COME ON, PLAY IT.

PLEASE?

John:
COME ON,

PLAY IT, NICK.

All:
COME ON.

Peter:
PLEASE?

NO. NO, ACTUALLY

I BETTER NOT.

I'M GONNA HAVE

TO SELL THIS AX:

TO PAY OFF:

SOME OF MY DEBTS.

WELL, YOU'RE NO GONNA SELL IT TODAY.

SO, COME ON,

BIG ROCK STAR,

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.

YEAH, COME ON.

THE KIDS HAVE NEVER

HEARD YOU PLAY.

COME ON, EVERYBODY,

LET'S GO. COME ON!

TO THE SOFA.

John:
EVERYBODY

ON THE SOFA.

ALL RIGHT.

Peter:
COME ON

ON THE SOFA!

OH! THAT'S GREAT.

John:
YEAH!

Abby:
WHOO!

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CLEARS THROAT]

OK, IT'S, UH...

BEEN A LITTLE WHILE

SINCE I'VE--

OH, COME ON.

ROCK AND ROLL!

NO EXCUSES.

[STRUMS GUITAR]

[PLAYS JINGLE BELLS BADLY]

[PROFESSIONAL RIFFING]

YEAH!

WHOO!

ALL RIGHT!

OH, WHAT A HOT DOG.

WHAT A HOT DOG.

John:
WHOO!

Abby:
WHOO! YEAH!

John:
GO, NICK!

GO, NICK! GO, NICK!

WHOO!

Danny:
'TWAS THE MORNING

OF CHRISTMAS,

THE END OF OUR TALE.

SANTA BROUGH ALL THE STUFF BACK,

MY UNCLE NICK:

DIDN'T GO TO JAIL.

AND I'VE LEARNED

THE BEST GIFT OF CHRISTMAS,

COMES AT NO PRICE.

IT'S TO BE

WITH YOUR FAMILY,

WHETHER YOU'RE

NAUGHTY OR NICE.

SO THAT'S THE END

OF OUR STORY.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE.

[MUSIC BEGINS]

I SAW SANTA:

ON THE ROOF OF MY HOUSE

HE WAS HAVING TROUBLE

WITH HIS SLEIGH:

SO I GAVE HIM A PUSH

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