A Beginner's Guide to Endings

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The events leading up to my death

were a lot like the rest of my life.

Things didn't go

exactly as planned.

If you asked me what the odds

in an amateur hanging

going off without a hitch were,

I'd say about one in three.

A few things can happen.

Put the noose too high?

Swing for hours.

Too low?

Choke for minutes.

But hit that sweet spot,

the neck'll snap just so.

One in three.

Okay...

...one in four.

I was born a gambler.

Cards, dice,

sports, horses.

I'd bet on anything if

the odds were right.

But now I've lost a bet

that cost me more than money.

It's cost me my family.

My family defies all odds.

Five kids; all boys.

The odds in that?

One in 16.

Five boys from three

different women?

One in 300.

Staying married to my first wife

through that?

Somewhere south of zero.

That's my eldest son, Nuts.

Born during a heat wave.

His mother says

that's what gives him his temper,

but... I think the kid was born

with a sour disposition.

Nuts wasn't one for school.

All he ever wanted to

be was a pro boxer.

But... well...

things didn't go exactly as planned.

That's my second boy, Cal.

Poor kid inherited

my weakness for women.

I knew pretty early on when he found a way

to join an all-girls prep school.

Now that one cost

me a small fortune.

Come Christmas, he shows up

with a different gal each year.

And let's just say he's got a type.

After Cal came my third boy, Jacob.

Smart, organized.

Holds down a real job.

Huh. Y'know,

when you say it all together like that,

makes me wonder if

he's mine after all.

Now, I'm no saint.

Fact is, I'd probably catch on fire

if I ever did step foot in church.

So long story short:

her name was Champagne.

And nine months later, boy number four

shows up on my doorstep.

The kid's got a lot of heart.

Everyone calls him Juicebox

because, well...

...I wouldn't call a kid slow, but...

... well, he's got a big heart.

Goldie forgave me for Champagne.

But you know what they say:

fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, you're divorced.

Sometimes life throws

you a curve ball.

A tiny, Vietnamese curve ball.

After what became colourfully known

as the Saigon Incident,

Goldie, quite understandably, left me.

But she never stopped

being a good mom to the boys,

even the ones that weren't hers.

And that's my family.

The most unlikely bunch

you'll ever chance upon.

And seeing as I'd sooner die

than see any harm come to them...

...today's gonna be

the last day of my life.

The odds of surviving

a trip over Niagara Falls are long.

It's happened exactly once.

Back in '53, some kid lucked out.

But he had an adult-sized life jacket on,

so I'm not sure it counts.

Now that's not to knock

what the lil' tiger went through,

but a boy that small

in a life jacket that big?

The kid's practically a f***in' pontoon.

But I don't want to

beat the odds here.

For once,

I want them stacked against me.

Just like I stacked them

against my oldest boys.

So I need a miracle.

For my family.

For fate to erase the weight

of all my misdeeds.

A reversal of fortune.

A resurrection.

A real, bona-fide miracle.

But I don't believe in miracles.

I know that it's time

# And you're staying in

# La la la la la la la la la

# And you're staying home

# And I'm all alone

# La la la la la la la la la

# Wontcha wontcha wontcha

bring a little water

# Bring a little wine

# Bring a little lovin'

# And I feel fine

# I know that you want to

# And I know that you do

# Come in here and love with me

# It's thunder and rain

# But it's all the same

# La la la la la la la la la

# Ha

I'm paying for this call

# And I don't mind at all

# La la la la la la la la la

# Wontcha wontcha wontcha

bring a little water

# Bring a little wine

# Bring a little lovin'

# And I feel fine

# I know that you want to

# And I know that you do

# Come in here and love with me

- We're gathered here

to mourn the passing of Edward...

"Duke" White.

Some of us knew him.

Some of us loved him.

And apparently some of us

are just here for the free donuts.

Ahem.

Duke... never did

anything the normal way,

so... it's no surprise

we don't have a body to bury.

- Move.

- And, of course,

Duke wasn't much for church.

In fact, only time

he ever got anywhere near the Bible

was when he swore to tell the truth,

the whole truth and nothing but.

In case you were wondering,

he... he didn't.

So instead of reading Bible verse,

I'm gonna recite the lyrics

to Lynyrd Skynyrd's Freebird.

- Mom didn't show?

- We couldn't get a hold of her.

Why are you late?

- Flight was delayed

and I had a detour on the highway.

- What was her name?

- Candyanna.

- Even her name makes me wanna

put on a condom, or strip.

- Would you two shut up?

We're at a goddamn funeral.

- It's okay.

- "Lord knows I can't change.

"Lord help me...

I can't change."

Ahem. Now I'd like to have

Duke's five boys come up here

and place a personal memento

in the coffin.

He was...

...the best brother a man could have.

- He was the worst father

a man could have.

- A bus pass?

- I didn't know

we were supposed to bring presents.

That's my watch.

- Please don't make a big deal about this.

- That's my watch.

- Do not make a big deal about it!

- Don't! Cal! Get the f*** off, Cal!!!

- Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey!

What's the matter with you?

You should be ashamed of yourself,

throwin' punches like that!

Snap the wrist.

# I'm a crawler baby

# Well I crawl right after you

# I'm the crawler baby

# I crawl right after you

- Breaks my heart

we had to trot out Ol' Rusty.

Come Christmas dinner, there's Rusty.

Everybody's birthday party,

you know Rusty's gonna be invited.

But... Ol' Rusty at your father's funeral?

This family's got a certain reputation,

and tonight

you boys pretty much cemented it.

Think we can get through

the reading of the will

without having to call a paramedic?

- I can.

- Shut up.

- You know what?

I gotta take a piss.

I'll be right back.

- Alright, where's the, uh...

waitress in this place?

Thank you!

Um, but I'd rather you sprayed mace

into my mouth. But...

I will let you try this very nice

single-malt scotch I discovered.

- You discovered it?

- Yeah.

- Yeah? You f***ing Magellan?

Circumnavigating the globe

in search of flavour?

Don't put on airs with me, okay?

I've seen you drink lighter fluid.

- I remember that.

It made you weird.

- I dunno what you're talking about.

It's good, isn't it?

- It's... pretty good.

- Bottoms up.

- Jacob, what happens when we die?

- Uh, wow. Ahem.

I don't know, Todd.

What I do know is that good guys

like you go to heaven.

- Dad was a pretty good guy, huh?

He was a good... yes, he was a...

He was a good...

- Uh... you know what, buddy?

Don't worry about it.

He's probably not even dead.

He's only been gone for two weeks.

- Really?

- Yeah, really.

- Don't do that.

- Don't do what?

- Don't give him false hope.

Just bear the kid's feelings--

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