A Beginner's Guide to Endings Page #2

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- You want me to think about the kid...

This coming from...

I remember when the two of you

put Xs and Os all over his face

with permanent marker.

He went to school

and they called him Tic Tac Todd!

- That was a decade ago!

How do you even remember that?

Are you used to holding on to small things?

- That's hilarious.

- See what I did right there?

When I said "small things,"

I meant something different?

- 'Kay, guys, got some drinks here.

- I meant your penis.

- Beer.

- Thank you.

- OJ... and a Mint Julep.

- Uh, you know what, doll?

Actually, this is not a Mint Julep.

- This ain't the Glass Slipper, princess.

It's a beer

with a shot of Peppermint Listerine.

'Bout as close as you're gonna get.

- Mm. Think she's bad news, Cal.

- No. Her?

- Tattooed on her back.

- Oh, yeah, it is. Huh.

- Alright, before we read the will,

should we have a little toast?

- Yeah.

- To Duke.

May you be 40 years in heaven

before the Devil knows you're dead.

- I can't drink this.

- Last Will and Testament...

of Edward White.

- My boys...

...I'm leaving you

with a heart full of regret.

I should've been a better father

and been there for you instead of myself.

I should've settled down

and been a better husband.

Your mother was a good woman.

Juicy's, too.

Even Soo Ling wasn't that bad.

And, most of all, I should've led a life

that didn't end with a list of regrets.

The fact is, the only thing

I don't regret is you boys,

and I'm proud of you all.

So let's get down to who gets what.

- "To Nuts,

I leave my bar of silver."

- Remember to keep your chin up.

There's always a silver lining, boy-o.

To Cal,

I leave the White family wedding ring.

Marry a good one, son.

And be sure she's a good one.

- "Can't run around

like a bull in a vagina shop forever."

- To Jacob, I leave the Elvis suit

from the '72 Burnin' Love tour,

worn in Phoenix and Albuquerque. "

- Wait... wait a sec.

Who wore it in Phoenix and Albuquerque?

- It... does not really say.

- To Juicy and Todd...

...I leave 380 in cash.

Truth is, I'm not sure what you're into,

so just buy whatever it is you're in to.

And it better not be drugs.

And as for the house,

I'm leaving it all to you boys to live in.

Just so long

as you don't kill each other first.

- "And that's who gets what.

Now for the hard part."

- I've done a terrible thing.

Nuts, Cal, Jacob,

you may recall that drug-testing thing

I signed you up for back in '99.

Are you male? 18 to 31?

Non-smoker?

If so, Bovastrada Pharmaceuticals

has an opportunity for you.

Now this ain't an excuse,

but I was concussed at the time.

A man doesn't think clearest

after a concussion.

And just ask Rudy Arbour

what you can do with $2,000!.

- I got a Ski-Doo with my money.

And I only had to take

two pills a week for a month.

- "It paid you two grand each--"

- Wait a minute.

We never got two grand.

That's not right. We got one grand.

- Yeah...

Duke... took 50.

Finder's fee.

They paid you two grand each,

but it turns out there's a lot more money

involved than that.

This morning, a lawyer shows up

asking me to pass on documents to you boys.

Some kind of legal settlement

that I would've known about earlier,

but you know how I feel about letter mail.

So I forged a few signatures

to speed up the process.

Long story short: $100,000 per head.

I wanted to find the right way

to break it to you, is all.

And there's no easy way

to say this next part.

But I saw all those zeroes.

Holy sh*t.

They're off!.

I could tell you

it was a sure thing.

I could say I was doing it

to make you all a pile more dough.

Plus a finder's fee for myself.

But that doesn't make it right.

And the strategic long shots I backed

to recoup my initial losses,

well, weren't so strategic.

Now there's no easy way to say this,

so I'm just gonna come out and say it.

Nuts, Cal, Jacob...

Boys...

...you three are gonna die.

- Excuse me?

- What?

- We are gonna...?

- Yes, it's...

- Let me see the dam n--

- Let me read it!

"And it's my fault."

The side effects of Affekterol

are mood swings and loose bowels.

The one long-term side effect

is much worse:

permanent cardiovascular damage.

Affekterol weakens the walls

of your ticker.

Now a stiff breeze could do you in.

It's bloody amazing none of you

have cashed out already.

Now, I figure a man who's done

what I've done is only fit for the grave.

I can't look at you boys.

Or myself.

So I'm gonna go on dying,

'cause I can't go on living.

Goodbye, boys.

I love you all...

...even if I never

did show it very well.

- Maybe it's just all a mistake.

- Take Todd and Juicy home.

- Maybe Duke just got it wrong.

- Take Todd and Juicy home.

- Okay, let's go.

- I don't believe it.

- There's no way. We're fine.

- No way, right?

- I'm fine. We're fine. Yeah.

- This is years ago.

- Dad's always shaky on the facts anyway.

- We're not dyin'.

- If we are, my liver goes first.

# I can't sleep at night

# Can't turn out the light

# Got to get alright

# Get myself alright

I can try

# But I know it's true...

# Take what I got

Till the sun is rain

# The sun is coming

I can pay my train

# I can't sleep at night

I can't sleep at night

# I can't sleep at night

Hey hey hey

# Alright

Hey hey hey

# Ha

Woo

# Hey hey hey

# Alright

Hey hey hey

# F***, f***, f***, f***...

F***.

Ahem.

Yeah.

- So is baby brother ready for his debut?

- Ah... no.

Not at all.

- Tank Boy is.

Cracked three jaws of his

sparring partners this week.

The whole pie, that one!

- Yeah. Just don't let him kill Juicy,

would ya?

- Oh, we're just padding Tank's record,

is all.

But ping-pong it is not.

Three good rounds.

- Mm-hmm.

Piss.

What's the matter with you?

You fighting tonight and you eating this?

It's like... giving your stomach a...

...perm.

- It's still on?

- Yeah. Ahem.

- I just... I thought--

- Yeah, no. Nothing's changed.

Now hit the gym,

take off these stupid...

Who did this?

- Me.

- You got beaten up by Todd?

- Please.

- Oh.

- I'd hardly call it "got beaten up".

- Really?

- Okay? It was a lucky shot,

and if I had any warning...

I got combo'd.

You little twat!!! It's on!

- Hey, relax.

Sit down.

- What's a twat?

- It's, uh... the smallest cone

they got at Dairy Queen.

- F*** you, Todd.

- Relax! Put your pants back on

and go hit the gym.

Hopefully you do better against Tank Boy

than you do against 10-year-old Asian kids.

- Hey.

- Can't talk. Gotta shower.

- Come on. You know he's retarded.

Don't pick on him.

- Hey, Toddy.

- Nuts is making me a race-car pancake.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm tryin', Toddy.

Y'know...

I'm sorry. I--

What?

- Y'know, sometimes

a cigar is just a cigar.

But that, that's a cock, buddy.

- Yeah.

What are you eating for breakfast?

- Well, I am attempting

to turn the food pyramid on its ass.

I'll even eat

your freaky little erotic cock-cake.

Who cares anymore?

- Would you quit it with that stuff, okay?

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