A Beginner's Guide to Endings Page #3

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We're gonna be fine. Alright?

When I hear we're dying

from a guy like dad,

all I think of is the million tall tales

he ever told.

- Dust settles.

Maxie turns to me and says,

"Duke, that man you just cold-cocked?

Bette Midler!"

On the Virgin Mary's eyes.

Swear to Jesus.

- Duke could teach a master class

in bullshit.

- You know what I think?

- What's that?

- I think you're in denial.

- Don't tell me what I'm thinking.

- This is what you do.

This is what you do in life.

You ignore the facts.

- I do not!

- And then you get defensive.

- Wrong again.

- And then you lash out!

- Hey, f*** you!

We're not dying.

- Yes, we are.

- What?

- I just got back from the doctor

and he told me flat out...

...we are dying.

- Your vitals are still solid.

- Right.

- Won't know for sure

without the blood test.

- Right, right.

- Look, if you did take Affekterol...

- I did. I mean, it was years ago, though.

- Well - ahem -

you've got an opportunity here.

- Okay.

- Is there anything

you ever really wanted to do, son?

- Well, y-y-yeah, like a million things.

- Do 'em.

- Duke dealt us a bad hand, bro.

- A bad hand?

I didn't even get cards, okay?

I got, like, a bus transfer

and a f***ing coupon for tampons.

- It's a wake-up call.

I'm gonna make a list.

- Sounds like a very "you" thing to do.

- Things are gonna change.

I got, like, a million things I wanna do.

- Actually thought that that would be

something you would do. It's weird.

- What do you mean, you thought?

- I was just thinking,

"I wonder what he's gonna do?"

- What do you mean--

- Are you guys f***ing high?!

We're dying! Where's your anger?!

- C'mere, Nuts. C'mere.

- What're you doing?

What are you doing?

- Just giving my big brother a hug.

- I don't need a f***ing hug.

- Why?

- Ah... Christ. Gerbil.

It's a lot of death for one week,

isn't it, buddy?

- You want one?

- What, a hug?

- Yeah. I'm just handing them out.

- No, no, no, no. No.

- Yeah. Come on, we're not--

- I'm cool with it. It's cool.

- Honestly, you're cool with it, Cal?

We're dying and you're cool with it?

- Okay, alright. I'm not cool with it.

Alright?

I'm not f***ing cool with it.

I am the opposite of cool! Okay?

We're dying!

My life is a mess,

and I know I'm gonna end up

just like Duke!

I woke up this morning next to a woman,

and let's just say that I walked

where angels fear to tread.

Oh, boy.

- 'Morning.

- Pfft... Yes...

So it is... morning.

Did we, uh...

Did we do it?

- If by "it" you mean

going a couple of minutes,

throwing up in my purse

and then crying yourself to sleep,

then, yeah, we did it.

- Sorry. Yesterday was, um...

...was very emotional for me.

I buried my father, allegedly.

- You mentioned that. I'm sorry.

- Ah, don't be sorry.

Duke lived his life... so hard,

he made Iggy Pop look Amish.

- Um, wait a second. Duke?

Duke White?

- Mm-hmm. Yeah. Why?

You knew him?

Oh, my God.

I'm gonna end up like Duke,

I'm gonna end up like Duke!

- No, you're not.

- Yes, I am.

Listen, I don't wanna play Junior Freud here,

but by the transitive property of penises...

...I think I f***ed mom last night.

- What's that?

- The waitress.

Dad and I both slept with her.

Something has to change in me.

The ring, it was a sign. Y'know?

I gotta stop whoring around

and I need to settle down!

- Yes. Yes!

- I think I know who with.

- Don't say it.

Don't--

- Miranda.

- Oh, God.

- She's the one who got away.

- No! She didn't get away, Cal.

She got incarcerated!

- She's the only woman

who ever gave me that rush!

- That wasn't a rush!

That was Chlamydia!

- You don't understand.

You don't understand and that is fine.

Alright? I wanna feel what it feels like

to be with her again.

You don't know her like I do!

- This is not the right move, okay?!

This is like...

this is like you're killing yourself

before you're dying!

Before you're killing yourself.

Do you know what I mean?

- C'mere.

I'll take that hug now.

- Oh, you're ready for your hug now?

I love you, Cal.

- I love you, too.

Alright, let's butch this up

before Nuts comes back.

- Oh, Jesus.

It's all f***in' Steel Magnolias in here.

- Just a hug, a hug...

It's a brother hug, man.

- It's like we're in Europe,

with all this man huggin'.

- Europe. That's a good idea, Europe.

I think I'd like Europe.

- No, no, you wouldn't.

I've been there. It's very...

swishy.

- Yeah, I know, they can elect him king.

- There is no King of Europe, Nuts.

- Fine. Queen.

- That's funny. That's very funny.

- It is funny.

- I'm not taking your sh*t anymore, either,

by the way. That's on my list.

I love you both, but growing up with you

was... f***ing hell.

- Oh, come on.

- Yeah.

- We were f***ing kids.

What do you want?

- We would play Hungry, Hungry Hippos,

and I would sh*t marbles

for a week and a half.

That wasn't fun for me.

- Oh, come on.

- You know what I did this morning?

I quit my job.

Yeah, hi, it's Jacob.

I won't be coming into work today. I quit.

And tell Jerry in HR that he's a...

total dick weed.

And an a**hole, too.

It felt better than anything that I've done

for the last 10 years of my entire life.

So starting today,

I'm going Evel Knievel on everything.

I'm gonna take every stupid risk I can.

All my life I've been worrying

about the long run

and there is no long run anymore,

there's just... there's just this sprint.

And it's standing right in front of me.

It's a f***ing sprint.

It's a sprint!

You f***ed that kid up, not me.

I'll take half the blame.

Hi. I'd like to make a withdrawal.

- Okay.

- And close all my accounts, please.

That's right

Listen I got a story to tell you

about a man named

Bin Sala Bin

There's a dude I know

Oh yeah

Living on the other side of town

I'll take it.

Alright

Oh oh oh oh oh

- We're gathered here today...

to bid farewell to Mister Amazing.

- Mister Awesome.

- Mister Awesome, yes...

was just a... great gerbil.

- Hamster.

- Yes. He, um...

...will always be remembered as a...

...just an excellent...

...chewer.

Happy trails, Mister Awesome.

C'mon, buck up, we'll get you another one.

- I don't want another one.

- Hey... what do we

do when we get upset?

- Walk it off.

- What? No, no, no.

Hey, hey, the other thing.

That's right. We hug through it.

- What, really? Really?

Didn't see that one coming.

- You're the best brother in the world.

- Yeah.

- Oh, you want some more, Tank Boy?

- I'm the worst brother in the world.

- Come on, boys!

Stick it, stick it, stick it! C'mon.

Okay, one, two!

I wanna hear a slap.

Stick it. One, two. Boys!

- Hey.

Fight's cancelled.

- Is it, now?

- Juicy ain't fighting.

- Well, Tank Boy is.

And I don't care a lick who he kills so long

there's a light-heavyweight getting hurt.

- Yeah. Here's your money back.

- Let me be blunt, lad.

You took your money.

You been bought.

No refunds.

Don't make me go to the office

and get the management.

- No, Fitz.

How much to call it off?

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