A Beginner's Guide to Endings Page #6

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weren't you?

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.

What is that... blouse he's wearing?

- Hey, guys. What's with the threads?

- It's a long story.

Let's just say Todd and I landed parts

in a very misunderstood off-Broadway play

and we'll leave it at that.

Can I talk to you for a second?

- So how's army life?

- Do you babysit?

- What?

- Yeah, I got an Xbox.

- Okay, you're not doing this.

Gimme the ring. I'm not letting you do it.

- Stop it. Stop it. Why are the two of you

always in my lady business? Always.

- We only do that because we're the only ones

who care enough to call you on your bullshit.

- Twat?

- What?

- Remember how you and Nuts

used to stick up for me in high school?

- Yeah. For a reasonable rate, I might add.

- That's all I'm trying to do right now,

is protect my big brother, okay?

She is a... f***ing disaster.

She's a stupid, crazy...

She's a b*tch.

- You may be right.

But... you don't know how this feels.

- What what feels like?

I've had girlfriends before, okay?

- Really?

- I know a little something. I've had--

- How many? Really? Really?

- Tons. Four. Three.

- Gimme that.

- Why?

- 'Cause I'm adding it to your list.

I think it's important.

- Now, don't write on my--

- Don't touch me.

Got anyone in mind?

Come on, doll.

- Is that her?

- Yep.

- Go on!

- I will. I'm just... I'm just...

...paralysed with fear. Okay.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- So one adult, one veteran?

- Well, uh...

Uh, actually,

I just wanted to tell you something.

So, uh...

I'm not here to ask you for a date

or for you to be my sweatheart--

- What's a... "sweat heart"?

- S... s... sweetheart.

I'm sorry,

I didn't have a chance to proof this.

Um...

Okay... here it is.

Sometimes I see you on my way to work

in the mornings.

I don't mean that in, like,

a stalker, creepy way,

I just mean, "Hey, there she is."

Every morning.

And I noticed that you smile at everybody

who walks by - everybody - even me.

And I could never smile back.

Like, ever.

Maybe because you have...

the sweetest smile I've ever seen

and I just can't compete with that,

y'know.

And... and no one handles stoned teenagers

as well as you do, like, anywhere.

And that's a gift,

believe me.

And...

you don't have to worry,

'cause I'm not gonna try

to ask you out on a date here,

because of a technical difficulty

with my existence.

But, uh, even if I wasn't dying,

I probably wouldn't have the courage

to ask you out anyway.

Usually I date women

who are easily distracted

and/or horribly depressed.

That's... that's my type,

just slow and sad.

And I probably shouldn't have said

that last part.

I just wanted you to know

that somebody... in this world

saw you from far away

and thinks that you're beautiful.

And if that can ever give you

even the tiniest bit

of a feeling of happiness,

then, uh, I'm happy

that I made a fool of myself.

- You're just sore

'cause I broke your heart.

- That wasn't my heart, it was my leg.

And it wasn't you,

it was your other boyfriend.

- That was a long time ago, Cal.

You must be used

to holding on to small things.

- That's hilarious.

So where the f*** are you taking me,

anyway?

- Private club. Members only.

- I don't think I belong here.

- Why do you say that?

- Well, just look around.

- Don't worry, they know me here.

- What, do you, uh, work here, too?

- I'm a mechanic, remember?

Give it a good home.

- Um, there's a creepy gentleman

down at the end of the bar

Iooking at me like, uh,

like he wants to f*** me.

- Don't worry about him.

It's a boyfriend thing.

- A boyfr... Um, um, hello!

Missing a vital piece of information,

apparently. What?

- Thought a guy like you would be more

nonchalant about something like this.

- Actually, you're wrong.

I'm very chalant about stuff like this.

Super f***ing chalant. Let's go.

- You're not afraid of

Big Mitch there, hmm?

- Absolutely not, okay?

But it still doesn't make it swell

for me to be drinking at a biker bar

with your boyfriend, okay?

- Ex-boyfriend.

We broke up.

- When?

- Last night.

- Last night?

Okay. You're fishing for jealousy

and you're trying to use me as bait.

- Tell you what,

I can use you...

...and you can use me...

...anyway you like.

Deal?

- Deal.

You just crossed a very fine line.

Here we go.

- Perhaps, uh...

perhaps you should go home, huh?

- Ahem.

How you doin'? Um... I'm Cal White.

I take it you're Big Mitch--

- Listen, pal, can I just tell you that--

- Whoa, whoa. I... just...

Can I say what I was gonna say? Please?

Now, listen, uh, Miranda there

is obviously a grownup

who can make her own decisions, right?

And, uh, today she's decided

to spend the afternoon with me, okay?

So I think that you should also be a grownup

and, uh, respect her decision.

Whaddya say, Big Mitch?

- Well, I say, uh...

Cal White?

- Mm.

- Meet Big Mitch.

- Oh...

You're Big Mitch?

- Yeah.

- That's Big Mitch! I'm Cal White.

Uh, that's Miranda, who you've,

um--

- I just heard the speech, fella.

- Okay. I like... This is...

Is this your place?

'Cause I was ask... It's a great...

- You're not going, are ya?

- I was gonna leave.

- No, you're not.

- I wish you'd let go of my hand.

- Have a seat.

- Okay.

- Now, Cal, the way I see it,

Miranda and I...

are havin' a tiny little lover's quarrel.

And the way you see it,

is she's movin' on to you.

Now, I call that a difference of opinion.

And do you know how we solve differences

of opinion here at Satan's Finest?

- Reasonable discourse?

- Wheel of Misfortune.

- The Wheel of Misfortune.

- What's a Wheel of Misfortune?

- Ho, ho, ho!

- If you're doin' this to impress me, Mitch,

it's not working.

- Rules is rules, baby.

- You don't own me.

I can see anyone I want to.

- You'll see Cal again here. At his funeral.

Spin it.

- Uh, wh-what's a Stick and Nail Fight?

- It's a fight with sticks and nails.

- I can't do this again. I'm out.

- Ivan, see her home.

- I'll go, too.

- No, no, no.

- Can I please just use the bathroom?

- Outside in five.

- 'Course there's no windows.

Gonna f***in' die.

Okay, I'm gonna die.

You're gonna die.

- Why are you darkenin' my door, Nuts?

- Call it a down payment.

I'm not fightin'. Juicy ain't, either.

- Oh, Jesus!

A silver bar!

- Yeah.

- Argh, mate! What are you, a pirate?

You gonna sweeten the deal?

Throw in a few doubloons?

- I'll get the rest for you later.

- Well, I'm no pawn broker.

It goes on tonight.

- Okay, what if it doesn't?

What are you gonna do? Kill me?

I mean, 'cause I gotta tell you, Fitz,

that is a very... very ineffective threat

these days.

- If it were only up to me, Nuts, boy.

But... I'm afraid...

we're gonna have to talk

to the management

about all this.

- Oh, no, no, no! No!

Whoa, whoa! Ah! Ah!

Ah, ah, ah, ah!

- It's the management, boy!

It's the management!

Now we're negotiating, aren't we?

Ah!

- No, stop!!! Stop!!!

- You know the deal.

Now, maybe you don't

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