A Beginner's Guide to Endings Page #8

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- What?

- Oh, honey, you're not gonna die!

Get outta there!

Please open the lid, sweetheart.

Can you hear me?

- Okay, it's stuck.

- Toddy, get me a rock.

Do you understand me?!

You're not gonna die!

Honey, those pills?

That was Duke's stupid idea!

When you boys came home

with those pills,

I sure as hell wasn't gonna let my kids

be guinea pigs!

So I filled them with Tic Tacs!

- Tic Tacs?!

- Tic Tacs!

I mean, what mother lets her kids

test drugs for money?!

- I'm gonna live.

- Ah!

- Oh, my God.

I'm gonna live!!!

No! No! No!

- Jacob!!!

- I'm gonna die!

- Ah! Jake!

- Jesus. No, Nuts, will you...

Stop. Come on.

You're gonna get killed.

- Sooner or later.

- Not... today. Okay?

We'll... I dunno, we'll figure something out.

- Nah. Nah.

For the first time in my life,

I'm doing something that ain't all about me.

If that means taking a hook to my head

and making my short life even shorter...

...so f***ing be it.

- Ref! Ref! Keep your eyes open, eh?

- F*** him right up, Nuts!

- I just wish I had some sort of sign.

Y'know, maybe I have a serious problem.

Or maybe I am reckless.

Miranda, she's a...

She's a meat grinder.

Oh, really?

- There's gonna be a limb

getting hacked each and every week

with that one.

Maybe... maybe nothing matters anymore,

y'know?

I should just nut up and do this thing.

What do you think, bud?

You're probably right.

- Thanks.

Y'know, I was just chatting

with that guy over there

and, bam, it occurs to me

that those Maid of the Mist boats down there

would be pretty ideal

to mule drugs across the border.

So I was thinking...

Wait.

How well can you swim?

- Uh...

I, uh....

I woke up this morning, uh, with a plan,

y'know.

I was, uh, I was gonna to ask you

a really big question.

Well, then I'm not so sure... now.

Uh...

I-I-I'm just....

I'm looking for a sign, is all.

- Well, don't wait forever.

Life's short.

- Ha!

Yeah, that's very true.

- Help!!!

- That's very true. Okay.

Uh... f*** it.

Here goes.

Miranda...

- C'mon...

- C'mon! C'mon!

- Will you...

- Oh, my God.

Today is the 14th day

since the end of my life.

Now, I don't believe in miracles.

I believe in odds.

And if you forced my bet...

...I'd wager I'm straight-up dead.

And that this is one of those "life flashes

before your eyes" moments.

Like a dream you swear lasted months,

even though you knew

you just slept for an hour.

Or maybe a clever trick

your brain plays on your body

to ease that painful,

permanent fade to black...

... wrapping your head in warm thoughts

so you don't feel

the cold, hard hand of death.

But I saw things.

I saw my resurrection.

And this is what I saw.

I saw a slip of the noose

and it's off like a torpedo.

And when that giant man-pedo

decides to surface...

... well, I saw a sight to behold.

I saw my boy one last time.

- I'm looking for a sign.

- My reckless son.

And I knew...

- Miranda...

-...for once in my life...

- Will you...?

...I was there for him.

That was a sign!

I gotta go.

Then I saw my eldest.

And I was flooded by thoughts

of all the wrong I did to him.

Now, a dead body

floating in the water

miles away

can't possibly save my wayward son.

But if a concerned tourist

happened to call 911...

...and if the ambulance sent

to fish a bloated corpse out of the water

happened to skid off the road

and into a hydro pole...

...well, then my wayward son

suddenly stands a fighting chance.

I saw my boy...

and a weight came

off my heavy heart.

Like I could float.

Like the impossible

was made possible.

And just when I thought

I could feel no more joy,

I saw something else.

My other boy.

The one I never understood.

The odds in surviving the falls

are a million to one.

And I saw those odds beat.

I saw a twist of fate

that can only be called a miracle.

I saw that noose...

catch that barrel...

...and I knew that the odds

just didn't matter anymore.

It's something more

than impossible.

More than the odds can allow.

And then I saw the future.

And it was cloudier still.

But I know what I saw.

And I was basking in a light

I didn't deserve.

For I saw a miracle.

It was so close,

it was like I was there.

Like I was part of it.

Like I could almost touch it.

I saw the lives of my boys.

My family.

Fate erasing the stain

of all my misdeeds.

And I knew everything

was going to be okay.

For I had a reversal of fortune.

A resurrection.

A bona-fide miracle.

And I was so happy,

I knew I must be dead.

# Oh yeah there

# Oh there

# There goes your corpse again

# Oh yeah

# Talking with your new girlfriend

Oh yeah

# What you think that he said

# You're better off dead

# Oh yeah there

# Oh yeah

# There goes your skull and bones

# Oh yeah

# Talking through a broke telephone

Oh yeah

# Will he play as they fall

# Through the bathroom wall

# And I've never let you down

# Oh yeah

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