A Birder's Guide to Everything

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[ Rustling ]

[ Woman ]

Get your binoculars out.

Okay, keep looking.

Keep looking.

See if you see it.

[ Woman ] Up in there.

Do you see it?

Look again.

It's right up on that branch.

Right there.

Let me see if I can

get it on the camera.

[ Man ]

If our eyes could

We never needed words

I built a fire and

Then played some songs

Until I knew that

Red-eyed vireo.

Red-eyed vireo. Right there.

[ Man vocalizing ]

There we go.

[ Man ]

Yeah, keep it simple, stupid.

So we'll just go with super crispy, cajun

homestyle. Let's keep everybody happy.

I know. Totally.

[ Laughs ] Totally.

Well, that's what she said.

She's like--

"What do you think people are going

to expect at your wedding? Lobster?"

Well, let's just talk sides

for a second.

I do not just pay you compliments

when I want something.

But you know what?

I do want something.

She wants plates made

out of recycled mater--

[ Loud thumping,

banging ]

Steve,

I'll call you right back.

What are you doing

on the roof?

I'm-- I'm fine.

You're bleeding.

Sh*t.

That's a nice perk,

having a nurse in the house.

It's a clean scratch.

It will heal in no time.

Okay, so we'll get the gutter fixed

by Sunday, which is not a big deal.

I know a guy.

But can we all agree on the "no

bird-watching on the roof" rule? Hmm?

Anyway, I don't think it's unreasonable

to not want to see you get killed.

Hey, Steve,

thanks for calling back.

- How's the toast coming along?

- Oh, he's fine. He's fine.

Don't I just say,

"Here's to Dad and Juliana"?

Yeah.

But typically the best man

will say a little more about the couple.

Tell a story,

crack a few jokes...

And embarrass

your old man a little.

Yeah, I-I was thinking Miguel

would do the whole speech thing.

Okay, so,

defend these with your life,

and I mean that.

You know what? Actually this is

a disaster waiting to happen.

I can give it to you

on the-- on the big day.

The toast? Don't worry.

It doesn't have to be anything big.

Oh, god. Juliana.

I gotta go.

I have to go.

See you, Dad.

- What?

- I flashed him.

[ Laughs ]

I mean, you've talked to him

about all this, right?

Yeah.

[ ROCK:
Guitar ]

What gives this mess

Some grace

Unless it's kicks, man?

Unless it's fiction?

Unless it's sweat

or it's songs?

What hits

against this chest

Unless it's

a sick man's hand

From some mid-level band?

He's been driving too long

On a dark, windless night

With the stereo on

With the towns flying by

And the ground

getting soft

[ Continues ]

[ Ends ]

[ Quacking ]

[ Quacking continues ]

[ School bell ringing ]

- So I got some news.

- What?

Caroline

quit YBS.

- Why?

- I don't know.

Some bullshit about the whole

"tufted titmouse" thing.

It's total insanity.

Oh, sh*t.

Here comes Evelyn.

On my count, just pretend like I said

something really funny.

What? -No, don't look.

Three, two, one.

[ Laughing ]

Why aren't you laughing?

- Hi!

- Hey.

- Love you.

- Yeah.

Today was really

a banner day for us. -Why's that?

Well, I thought personally our approach

to hydrochloric acid was... Exemplary.

- So did you get a chance to--

- Yes, I did. I did.

Yeah, I think I did

quite a good job.

Oh, boy.

[ Laughs ]

- Thanks so much.

- No problem. Bye.

Bye.

Was that

her homework?

Yeah.

She totally wants me.

It's time to take this whole "being

lab partners" thing to the next level.

As in the--

[ Moaning ]

Sex level. You know

what I'm saying? [ Clicks teeth ]

- Okay.

- You know what I'm saying?

"Give it to me, Timmy! Timmy, I want

you so bad. I want you in my pants!"

[ Chattering ]

Shh.

Young Birder's Society. All present.

Mr. Secretary, please read the minutes.

Hey, um, where's--

where's Caroline?

- She's no longer a member.

- Why?

Mostly because her heart wasn't

in birding. Is that a problem, Rob?

Yeah, well, I-- I just

wanted to be in a club--

- Get out.

- What?

This isn't a dating service.

Get the hell out of here.

I won't miss this.

So now that

we're down to three,

I don't think we're technically

a club anymore by school rules.

Young Birder's Society, all present.

Mr. Secretary, please read the minutes.

Thank you, Mr. Chairman.

I hereby submit the minutes from

the meeting dated 4th of March.

In new business,

Peter Nessbaum was awarded

a Golden Feather by unanimous vote...

for his sighting

of a long-tailed jaeger.

My proposition to investigate

the purchase of a hang glider

was defeated 4-1,

despite it being

an awesome idea.

Finally, Caroline Halperin

threatened to quit YBS...

if I didn't stop calling her

tufted titmouse,

and, um...

Well, she ended up quitting.

- Mr. Chairman.

- Thank you, Mr. Barsky.

- Mr. Chairman.

- Mr. Portnoy?

I move to postpone officer reports,

committee reports and special orders...

and proceed directly

to new business.

- All for?

- [ Timmy, David ] Yea.

All opposed?

Nay.

The motion passes two votes to one.

Is there any new business?

- Mr. Chairman.

- The chair recognizes David Portnoy.

I spotted this on the street

this morning.

- Got a weird feeling about it.

- Let me see.

It looks like an eclipsed-plumage

white-winged scoter.

Move to mark image as inconclusive

and carry on with the meeting.

Move to

find the bird again.

The chair

recognizes himself.

Mr. Portnoy, this is

not the first time...

you've brought something

like this to the committee.

For reference, I cite the alleged

sun grebe last summer.

I didn't have a picture-- -With all due

respect, there's a credibility gap here.

Mr. Barsky?

While I appreciate the spirit

of David's proposal--

a rare bird sighting certainly could

reverse sinking membership.

But in my opinion

I think we should stick to

more aggressive recruitment strategies,

like getting a hang glider.

- Thank you.

- That's all, Mr. Chairman.

- All for finding David's duck?

- Yea.

All opposed?

[ Both ] Nay.

The motion is defeated

by a vote of two to one.

[ Snaps ]

Damn it.

[ Dog barking ]

[ Dad ]

Dave?

Dave, is that you?

Come up here.

- Hey.

- Hey.

So I've got everything kinda

sorted out into three main groups.

Uh, save, throw,

charity.

You got something on your lip.

What's that? -Nothing.

Pen exploded.

Wait.

Are you kidding?

I thought I'd save

the good ones.

Mom worked really hard

for all of these.

Okay, well, yeah, you're right.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Of course we'll keep that.

What's this?

[ Sighs ]

The blender?

You know what?

Juliana's got a really nice blender.

I was thinking

we could give that one to Ted.

I'd rather

we gave Juliana's to Ted.

Sure.

Listen, I'll tell you what.

I have to meet the string quartet

in, like, literally--

Stay.

..10 minutes.

So why don't you do this.

Take these, mark what you want to keep.

The rest we'll either chuck or give to

the goodwill. All right? Problem solved?

Fine.

- Yeah?

- See you.

Yeah.

[ Guitar ]

[ Man ] They say I should

pack it all in

But you're

all I've ever known

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