A Birder's Guide to Everything Page #2

---

For me

it's beginning again

'Cause I just can't

let go

[ Vocalizing ]

[ Mom ] You're the camera guy

now, huh? [ David ] Yeah.

You should be looking

for birds, not mom.

Birds.

Birds, not me.

[ David ] Yeah.

[ Mom ] Yeah.

Amici, romani, cives--

- Where the hell is david?

- He's right there.

[ Timmy ] Not cool, man.

- Sorry.

Where the hell have you been?

We're in crisis mode here. -Sorry.

I think I may have

found a-- Oh, wow.

Look at Chad.

Fortuna bona sit.

Globos meos lambe.

So I checked every scaup,

scoter, eider,

including the palearctic

and neotropical options,

and none of them

are a match.

This again?

Did you even sleep?

So then I thought

maybe it's rarer than those.

Well, the critically endangered ducks

consist of the west indian whistling,

the laysan

and the white-headed duck.

But it's not any of those.

So what's rarer

than critically endangered?

[ Teacher ]

Prompti conicite!

Nothing. After critically endangered

it goes extinct.

Exactly.

Oh, my--

oh, damn it.

Camptorhynchus labradorius.

This would be so huge.

If Evelyn Reed knew

that I rediscovered an extinct duck,

she'd definitely

let me do her.

Possibly doggie-style.

It's called retrocopulation.

And the term "doggie-style" is offensive

to women and possibly dogs as well.

Guys, you're both missing the point.

What do you think?

It has to be female,

not a male.

The wing marks concern me, but to be

fair, wing marks always concern me.

"B" teams,

incendere ubi paratus!

Cool!

[ Applause ]

How does that work?

Okay, we need to

find this duck again.

What we need

is an expert opinion.

Well, uh... I can get us a meeting

with Lawrence Konrad.

Just because he said you had

"nice style" at a book signing?

Um, he said I had

"interesting style."

And yes, that's exactly why.

Dick.

[ Chattering ]

Hello?

He's too busy.

I told you this. -Hello?

What? Oh, sorry

to keep you waiting.

My secretary is at lunch,

and this thing should've-- [ Chirping ]

There you go.

Anyone? -Uh, yellow warbler.

Bravo.

Do come in.

Nope.

[ Chuckles ]

No, no, no, no.

That's all wrong.

Yeah, well,

it does decline at the nape.

- Which one of you saw it?

- Uh, I did.

I'm sorry the picture

is so blurry.

I was on my bike

when I spotted it.

On your bike?

[ Laughing ]

That's marvelous.

That's the great thing

about this field.

Doesn't matter if you're a

high school kid on your bike or...

An old egghead like me

with a boatload of silly degrees.

Absolutely anyone

can be a birder.

Except for blind people,

I suppose.

So you think it could actually be

a rare-- -Close the door, please.

Any of you familiar with

the term "lazarus species"?

You. Glasses.

An organism rediscovered alive

after having been considered extinct.

And while lazarus species

are very rare,

here in America I had the pleasure

of being amongst those...

who re-found

the ivory-billed woodpecker in 2005.

Though certain scientists

do dispute my claim.

Fools.

February 20, 2005.

I remember because

it was three weeks...

after my life magellanic

woodpecker in Chile.

Quite a month

for campephilus.

You remember all the dates

on your life list?

Now, on, uh, May 13th

of this year,

you might--

[ Chuckles ]

I do stress might--

have spotted--

- Yes!

- Camptorhynchus Labradorius.

Mm-hmm. -The first bird

to go extinct in north America.

No one has seen

one of these fellas since 1878.

So do you really think

that David saw a labrador duck?

Of course the photo is

too blurry to prove anything,

and it's certainly

out of consideration for publication.

Trust me, what birder's way

does not need is more controversy.

[ Sniffing ] No, I think the only thing

to do here...

Is to find the bird again.

Well, it's probably migrating.

It could be anywhere.

Which means you need

to get a move on.

The labrador is closely related

to sea ducks such as eiders.

It's probably heading north,

maybe even migrating with scoters.

Now, the good news

for you is...

That it'll be attracted to

the largest inland bodies of water...

before

it hits the coast.

My guess is it'll be in southern

Connecticut by sun fall tomorrow.

So you think it's actually possible

to find it again?

I do. But I must warn you,

I love the chase.

I don't know whether

you've read my memoir--

Look To The Skies.

I've read it five times. -[ Chuckles ]

Then I don't need

to tell you...

that I spent 15 months

in Ecuador...

tracking the pale-headed

brush-finch,

only to learn that it was a mere

white-headed brush-finch.

If I had faced facts

a few days earlier,

you'd be looking

at a man with--

[ Tapping ]

two legs.

I won't deny it. I'm starting to get

very jealous of you lads.

We have, um, modern european

history class in 25 minutes.

Fair enough.

Well, do keep me informed.

Never hesitate to call.

Oh, and one piece of advice

from an old twitcher--

get yourselves a better camera,

one with a strong telephoto lens.

Having the wrong gear is precisely

why this photo is ultimately useless.

Good luck, gentlemen.

Dr. Konrad.

Mr. Konrad?

Could you,

um, s-sign my book?

- First edition.

- Yeah.

"Portnoy."

Was your mother

Dorothy Portnoy?

Y-you know my mother?

Of course.

Back in

the '80s and '90s,

she helped pioneer

the use of marine radar...

to predict

migrant fall-outs.

She was a real unsung hero

of birding.

That must have been

awful.

I'm deeply sorry

for your loss.

[ Pen scratching

on paper ]

- Why?

- It's way too intense.

I'm sorry, but this would take

an official YBS vote, guys.

[ Sighs ] Okay.

Move to discuss.

Um, second.

All right, the chair recognizes

Timothy Barsky.

Thank you.

Mr. Chairman, Mr. Portnoy.

Simply put,

we must find this bird.

I think it could represent

a new hope for YBS,

which frankly is

on the brink of collapse.

I think with

the right publicity,

the sighting of a labrador duck

could boost membership...

and the three of us

could reap untold rewards,

fame-wise, money-wise

and vagina-wise.

Thank you.

That's all, Mr. Chairman.

I concur.

Move to vote.

Second.

All in favor of searching

for the extinct labrador duck?

[ Both ]

Yea.

All opposed?

Nay.

Motion passes

two to one.

- I'll draw up the budget.

- You don't have to.

I want to.

- Yeah?

- Hey, uh--

I left something

in the lab yesterday.

Oh. Okay.

I'm Ellen,

by the way.

What?

We're in a class together,

so I'm telling you who I am.

Oh.

Oh, hi.

Hi. There you go.

[ Chuckles ]

Thank you.

[ Classical ]

[ Peter ] All right, so given the

expected speed of the labrador duck...

[ Continues ] the bird will be

forced to rest in this 15-mile radius...

encompassing Cedar Lake

at Cockaponset.

Okay, well, I'm putting my money

on Cockaponset.

And not just because it has

the word "cock" in it.

Well, I still maintain

it's a long shot at best,

but as places go,

it is more likely than most.

On the transportation front, my cousin

Eric said he'd loan me some wheels.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes