A Birder's Guide to Everything Page #2
For me
it's beginning again
'Cause I just can't
let go
[ Vocalizing ]
[ Mom ] You're the camera guy
now, huh? [ David ] Yeah.
You should be looking
for birds, not mom.
Birds.
Birds, not me.
[ David ] Yeah.
[ Mom ] Yeah.
Amici, romani, cives--
- Where the hell is david?
- He's right there.
[ Timmy ] Not cool, man.
- Sorry.
Where the hell have you been?
We're in crisis mode here. -Sorry.
I think I may have
found a-- Oh, wow.
Look at Chad.
Fortuna bona sit.
Globos meos lambe.
scoter, eider,
including the palearctic
and neotropical options,
and none of them
are a match.
This again?
Did you even sleep?
So then I thought
maybe it's rarer than those.
Well, the critically endangered ducks
consist of the west indian whistling,
the laysan
and the white-headed duck.
But it's not any of those.
So what's rarer
than critically endangered?
[ Teacher ]
Prompti conicite!
Nothing. After critically endangered
it goes extinct.
Exactly.
Oh, my--
oh, damn it.
Camptorhynchus labradorius.
This would be so huge.
If Evelyn Reed knew
that I rediscovered an extinct duck,
she'd definitely
let me do her.
Possibly doggie-style.
It's called retrocopulation.
And the term "doggie-style" is offensive
to women and possibly dogs as well.
Guys, you're both missing the point.
What do you think?
It has to be female,
not a male.
The wing marks concern me, but to be
fair, wing marks always concern me.
"B" teams,
incendere ubi paratus!
Cool!
[ Applause ]
How does that work?
Okay, we need to
find this duck again.
What we need
is an expert opinion.
Well, uh... I can get us a meeting
with Lawrence Konrad.
Just because he said you had
"nice style" at a book signing?
Um, he said I had
"interesting style."
And yes, that's exactly why.
Dick.
[ Chattering ]
Hello?
He's too busy.
I told you this. -Hello?
What? Oh, sorry
to keep you waiting.
My secretary is at lunch,
and this thing should've-- [ Chirping ]
There you go.
Anyone? -Uh, yellow warbler.
Bravo.
Do come in.
Nope.
[ Chuckles ]
No, no, no, no.
That's all wrong.
Yeah, well,
it does decline at the nape.
- Which one of you saw it?
- Uh, I did.
I'm sorry the picture
is so blurry.
I was on my bike
when I spotted it.
On your bike?
[ Laughing ]
That's marvelous.
That's the great thing
about this field.
Doesn't matter if you're a
high school kid on your bike or...
An old egghead like me
with a boatload of silly degrees.
Absolutely anyone
can be a birder.
Except for blind people,
I suppose.
So you think it could actually be
a rare-- -Close the door, please.
Any of you familiar with
the term "lazarus species"?
You. Glasses.
An organism rediscovered alive
after having been considered extinct.
are very rare,
here in America I had the pleasure
of being amongst those...
who re-found
the ivory-billed woodpecker in 2005.
Though certain scientists
do dispute my claim.
Fools.
February 20, 2005.
I remember because
it was three weeks...
after my life magellanic
woodpecker in Chile.
Quite a month
for campephilus.
You remember all the dates
on your life list?
Now, on, uh, May 13th
of this year,
you might--
[ Chuckles ]
I do stress might--
have spotted--
- Yes!
- Camptorhynchus Labradorius.
Mm-hmm. -The first bird
to go extinct in north America.
No one has seen
one of these fellas since 1878.
So do you really think
that David saw a labrador duck?
and it's certainly
out of consideration for publication.
Trust me, what birder's way
does not need is more controversy.
[ Sniffing ] No, I think the only thing
to do here...
Is to find the bird again.
Well, it's probably migrating.
It could be anywhere.
Which means you need
to get a move on.
The labrador is closely related
to sea ducks such as eiders.
It's probably heading north,
maybe even migrating with scoters.
Now, the good news
for you is...
That it'll be attracted to
the largest inland bodies of water...
before
it hits the coast.
My guess is it'll be in southern
Connecticut by sun fall tomorrow.
So you think it's actually possible
to find it again?
I do. But I must warn you,
I love the chase.
I don't know whether
you've read my memoir--
Look To The Skies.
I've read it five times. -[ Chuckles ]
Then I don't need
to tell you...
that I spent 15 months
in Ecuador...
tracking the pale-headed
brush-finch,
only to learn that it was a mere
white-headed brush-finch.
If I had faced facts
a few days earlier,
you'd be looking
at a man with--
[ Tapping ]
two legs.
I won't deny it. I'm starting to get
very jealous of you lads.
We have, um, modern european
history class in 25 minutes.
Fair enough.
Well, do keep me informed.
Never hesitate to call.
Oh, and one piece of advice
from an old twitcher--
get yourselves a better camera,
one with a strong telephoto lens.
Having the wrong gear is precisely
why this photo is ultimately useless.
Good luck, gentlemen.
Dr. Konrad.
Mr. Konrad?
Could you,
um, s-sign my book?
- First edition.
- Yeah.
"Portnoy."
Was your mother
Dorothy Portnoy?
Y-you know my mother?
Of course.
Back in
the '80s and '90s,
she helped pioneer
the use of marine radar...
to predict
migrant fall-outs.
She was a real unsung hero
of birding.
That must have been
awful.
I'm deeply sorry
for your loss.
[ Pen scratching
on paper ]
- Why?
- It's way too intense.
I'm sorry, but this would take
[ Sighs ] Okay.
Move to discuss.
Um, second.
All right, the chair recognizes
Timothy Barsky.
Thank you.
Mr. Chairman, Mr. Portnoy.
Simply put,
we must find this bird.
a new hope for YBS,
which frankly is
on the brink of collapse.
I think with
the right publicity,
the sighting of a labrador duck
could boost membership...
and the three of us
could reap untold rewards,
fame-wise, money-wise
and vagina-wise.
Thank you.
That's all, Mr. Chairman.
I concur.
Move to vote.
Second.
All in favor of searching
for the extinct labrador duck?
[ Both ]
Yea.
All opposed?
Nay.
Motion passes
two to one.
- I'll draw up the budget.
- You don't have to.
I want to.
- Yeah?
- Hey, uh--
I left something
in the lab yesterday.
Oh. Okay.
I'm Ellen,
by the way.
What?
We're in a class together,
so I'm telling you who I am.
Oh.
Oh, hi.
Hi. There you go.
[ Chuckles ]
Thank you.
[ Classical ]
[ Peter ] All right, so given the
expected speed of the labrador duck...
[ Continues ] the bird will be
forced to rest in this 15-mile radius...
encompassing Cedar Lake
at Cockaponset.
Okay, well, I'm putting my money
on Cockaponset.
And not just because it has
the word "cock" in it.
Well, I still maintain
it's a long shot at best,
but as places go,
it is more likely than most.
On the transportation front, my cousin
Eric said he'd loan me some wheels.
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