A Birder's Guide to Everything Page #3

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He did? -Yeah.

He's a cool guy. He likes me a lot.

[ Doorbell rings ] Hey, isn't your dad

getting married this weekend?

Yep.

This is way more important.

[ Juliana ] David?

- Yeah?

David--

oh, hi, boys!

- Hello, Mrs. Santos.

- Juliana-- oww.

David,

there's somebody here to see you.

A girl from your school,

I think.

- Go on in, hon.

[ Ellen ] Thank you.

[ CLASSICAL:
Off ]

You stole the lens?

- Preposterous.

- What's "Project Anus"?

Anas. Okay?

And it's none of your business.

Just give me the lens.

And what evidence do you have of

this alleged theft of this alleged lens?

Well, it was there earlier

this afternoon.

I gave him the keys, he went

into the lab, and then it was gone.

Circumstantial. -It's sitting

right next to you.

- Oh, damn it, Peter!

- Oh, my god.

Have you ever heard of

a labrador duck?

I still don't get why

it's called Project Anus.

- Anas!

[ David ] It's Latin for "duck."

- You guys speak Latin?

- Yeah. Sometimes.

You could come

with us.

This would seriously be

the first photo of this extinct duck?

Yeah.

Definitely.

If I come,

I'm taking the picture.

No, you're not. Okay?

That's not a possibility.

- Take it or leave it.

- We'll take it.

When do we leave? -7:00 AM.

From Timmy's cousin's house.

25 Southridge Drive.

Cool.

Where the hell

did that come from?

She made me nervous.

Okay?

On the flip side, one or possibly more

of us will get some action this weekend.

- Most likely be me.

[ David ] Nope. Not going to happen.

Hey.

Need some help?

I got it.

- Just help him, Donnie.

- Yeah.

- Where you going?

- Timmy's.

- Huh.

- Sleeping over tonight.

You know, uh,

I'm getting married... Tomorrow.

I'll be back

in plenty of time.

Yeah, uh--

Come on, Dad.

It's important. I gotta go.

All right--

okay.

Okay. Okay.

I know I'm supposed to give you

your grieving space.

Don't quote

Dr. Schultz.

It's just, you know,

the rehearsal is at 10:00 AM.

- Rehearsal?

- Yeah.

The rehearsal is walking from one side

of the lawn to the other. Right?

[ Sighs ]

Okay, Dave, com--

Time out.

You know? I-I--

All right, I know. I get that it's

all gotta seem pretty weird to you.

And maybe Juliana's not your

favorite person in the world.

Dad, I really don't

want to talk about this.

Fast-forward. 10 years from now.

Who's gonna care?

She's gonna be your really cool

kick-ass mom.

You gotta look at things

like everything happens for a reason.

- What?

- You know, what might--

"For a reason"?

You know, I shouldn't have

said that.

That's not

what I meant to say.

- What I meant--

- No.

- Bullshit.

- Come on, David.

[ Mom ] I'm gonna catch you.

[ Laughing ]

Here I come.

[ Chattering, laughing ]

You are too fast!

I gotcha!

[ Knocking on glass ]

Sorry I'm late.

Have we confirmed

he knows we're coming? -Yes.

Eric!

[ Rock, muffled ]

[ Continues ]

Timmy. My man.

Eric. My man.

[ Chuckles ] You think I could

grab those keys now?

Oh. Yeah.

The keys. Totally.

Could you go

get them now? -Sure.

You're Eric's cousin?

Yeah.

F-first cousin.

Hmm.

These are--

[ Scoffs ]

These are keys

to a kryptonite bike lock.

Wait. You wanted

to borrow my car?

- Yeah.

- Timmy!

- I'm not going to lend you my car.

- Why not?

For, like,

several reasons.

There are insurance issues that would

not be easy to resolve, to say the least.

I have no reason to believe that

you or any of your friends

are safe and/or reliable drivers,

not to mention Trish and I have plans

to use the car...

to go up to Sheep's Meadow

to hang out and smoke weed.

He does make some

convincing arguments.

- Thank you.

[ Timmy ] Fine!

Well, thanks anyway, Eric.

You're a real cool guy.

P.S. Grandma thinks

you're a communist.

I am a communist.

Bye, Timmy's

little friends.

Bye. Bye.

Bye.

I hate him.

If he hadn't DJ'd

my bar mitzvah,

my life would be a lot better

right now, believe you me.

So, is Trish

Eric's steady girlfriend?

What?

Oh! I found it!

[ Groans ]

Ever drive a cabriolet,

Peter?

Absolutely not.

What? You're the only one

with a license.

I'm not driving

a stolen car, guys.

[ David ] It's not a stolen car.

We'll bring it back tomorrow.

He'll just think

he forgot where he parked it, right?

Come on, man. This is your chance

to not be a total p*ssy.

You can impress

an actual girl.

It's exciting.

Ellen?

I think Peter should do

what he wants.

But, yeah,

I-I would be impressed.

Very impressed.

Thanks.

[ Tires screech ]

[ Horn honks ]

[ POP:
Man singing ]

[ Horn honks ]

[ Ellen snickers ]

[ Timmy ] Peter, just merge!

You have no idea what kind

of pressure this is. No idea.

Okay, well,

you don't have to spaz.

Are you gonna

keep it under 35? -Yes.

I am.

That's probably

more dangerous.

Timmy?

Holy sh*t.

What is this?

Is that crack cocaine?

- I have no idea. Maybe.

- "Maybe"?

Just keep driving, Peter.

I-it looks like--

Looks like crystals. -You know what?

Maybe it's rock candy.

Ellen, grow up. Okay?

They're crystals.

- Oh, sh*t.

- What?

Crystal meth.

- Throw it out the window.

- What?

No, we can't just throw it

out the window. -Yes, we can.

Peter, think!

What happens if we

return the car without the drugs?

Maybe Eric was trying to sell them

on behalf of some drug lords.

And then when the drug lords

come looking for the money,

suddenly Eric doesn't have the

money or the drugs, so they kill him.

Eric sucks,

but he doesn't deserve to die.

Okay, just keep it hidden.

Give it, Ellen.

[ Glove box opens, closes ]

Done.

- I don't like it.

- I'm shocked. I'm really shocked.

Peter, for the love of god, you have to

speed up. It's like we're in a wagon.

[ Man ] But I always choose

another way

This is why this love

can't stay

[ Timmy ]

Now we're cruising.

- This is totally illegal.

- Peter, it's fine.

You only have your learner's permit.

[ Engine knocking, squeaking ]

What's that noise?

Sounds like

a black-and-white warbler.

[ Timmy ] Sounds like a red-breasted

nuthatch,

but it's coming from the engine.

What's a finch look like?

A finch, it's kind of like a perching

bird with a small, sharp, pointy bill.

Well, my boyfriend's band

is called The Real Finches.

[ Timmy laughs ]

The Real Finches?

Sounds like

a pretty hard-core band.

Right, 'cause you're into more

hard-core stuff, like Beethoven?

Um, Bartk, okay?

Maybe, like,

late Beethoven, yeah.

Right.

[ Laughs ]

Hey, these

are totally retro.

Oh, yeah, thanks.

They were my mom's.

- Is she a big birder?

- You know his mom's dead, right?

- What?

- Oh.

Guess that's before you moved here.

David doesn't like to talk about it.

Thanks, Timmy.

Okay, guys, I have

an announcement to make.

I want everyone to remain still

while I talk, especially you Peter.

There is a vehicle that has been

trailing us for the past 10 miles,

and there are definitely

guns in the vehicle.

- Oh, my god!

- Peter, stay still.

[ Peter ]

Sorry.

They could be

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