A Birder's Guide to Everything Page #4

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Eric's drug lord bosses.

David, can you just slow down

and see if they pass us? -Yeah.

It doesn't have guns

on it.

- Oh, sh*t.

- There they are.

Oh, that was

a close one.

How was that

a close one?

It was a close one.

What's with

all the people?

Is this, like, an important day for

birding or something? -It's Saturday.

- Hey, Portnoy's back!

- Hey, Matheny.

Are you like the boy wonder

of the birding world or something?

No, I just haven't

been here in a while.

[ Ellen ] So what's going on here,

exactly?

Okay, um,

first you have

the feeder fillers.

And they just want a bird feeder

so they can attract a bird...

like a cardinal.

And then there's listers,

like those guys over there.

Now, listers, they like

the numbers and the data.

So they record everything

on these very meticulous life lists.

So if my dad was a birder,

he'd be a lister.

- He's not a birder?

- No.

He owns five chicken huts. He

literally makes a living killing birds.

So which kind of birder

are you?

Well, there's one more.

The watchers.

Now, the watchers--

this is Lawrence Konrad's definition--

they want to achieve a transcendent

connection between nature...

that erases any distinction between,

I guess, human and bird souls.

Let me guess.

- You're a watcher.

- Mmm--

Well, there's actually

very few watchers out there.

In the world of birding, most of us are

just listers who strive to be watchers.

[ Duck call quacking ]

Old-school duck call. Help us

in finding the, uh, you-know-what.

[ Man ]

I don't know. What?

- Nothing.

- You guys heading out?

Yeah, we're going

to Cockaponset. - The Cock.

You guys

from around here?

No. Somers.

All right, all right.

What do you see up there?

Hooded warblers,

arcadian flycatcher,

yellow-billed cuckoo,

yellow-winged vireo.

Wait, you saw

a yellow-winged vireo in New York?

- Yeah.

- Yeah? Wow.

Wow, wow, wow.

Don't be an a**hole,

Jeff.

[ David ]

What?

Oh, I'm sorry. I mean

a yellow-throated vireo.

- There you go.

- Yeah.

There it is.

So what kind of stuff

do you guys see?

We just had a great trip

to Tanzania.

Saw an usambara eagle-owl,

among other things.

- Not bad for our first year.

- First year?

Last year we climbed

the Seven Summits.

This year we're going

for the world big year record.

Oh, so you're not birders.

You're more like mountain dew ads.

More like extreme hobbyists.

That means in 10 months, we've

seen over 350 endangered species,

including finding only the

sixth-known nest of a grauer's broadbill.

- That's amazing.

- Yeah. -Yeah.

David saw

a labrador duck.

You know that's extinct,

right?

Yes.

Well, but--

No, she isn't--

she's not a birder.

She has no idea

what she's talking about. -Yes, I do.

No, she doesn't.

Okay, 'cause that is

a pretty big claim. You know?

Spotting

an extinct species.

You guys have a photo

or anything? -No. No.

She's confused. We can't have a

picture of something that doesn't exist.

- Right.

- Right.

All right?

We should be going.

- Yeah.

- Right, right, right.

- Well, good birding.

- Good birding, fellas.

- Good birding.

- [ Quack ]

[ Murmuring ]

Labrador duck?

I'm sorry, Ellen,

you're a complete idiot.

Whatever. They didn't

believe me anyway.

Let's hope to god

you're right.

[ Rock ]

[ Man ] She lived in space, man

[ Continues ]

Hey, check it out.

[ Geese honking ]

Yeah.

[ Peter ] David?

- What are you doing?

I'm just gonna

catch up with them.

Almost there.

There we go.

[ Honking continues ]

Could the labrador duck

be up there?

No.

They're Canada geese.

[ Continues ]

Still want to see her

in the morning

[ Squeaking, hissing ]

[ Engine knocking ]

Sh*t.

Oh, no, no, no.

It must be related to the warbler noise.

Sh*t! - [ Peter ] Nuthatch noise.

[ Timmy ]

Okay, shut up, Peter.

[ Engine dies ]

[ Stops ]

[ Steam hissing ]

[ David ] I think it's just an overheated

alternator thing or something.

[ Timmy ] You have no idea what

you're talking about.

[ Ellen ]

We should go home.

[ Timmy ]

I knew it.

I'm sorry.

You knew what?

Come on.

We all knew from the start

it was a mistake to bring you. Okay?

You're late, you have to pee all the time,

and now you want to quit.

I brought a telephoto lens and five

years of photography experience.

- What did you bring?

- Oh, um, let me think.

Excellent leadership skills,

logic,

an orange belt

in shaolin long fist,

fluency

in Latin and Espaol...

Awesome logic skills.

Guys, I'm going to go call the

triple-a. -Where are we, exactly?

Um, we're somewhere

near Woodstock, so--

- Wait. Woodstock?

- Yeah.

- Hold on one second.

- Who are you gonna call?

Booty call. The Reeds

have a house out here.

- Wait. Evelyn Reed?

- Yeah.

Hey, Evelyn.

It's Timmy.

Timmy.

- Timmy Barsky.

- [ Scoffs ]

- Timmy Barsky.

- We should get a backup.

No, no, they're friends.

Kind of.

I mean, I guess she does call him

her personal math hobbit.

Yeah, so we're in

a bit of a pickle-dick.

N-no, it's a stupid line

from--

I guess you probably

want to call your mom.

Well, that would involve telling her

where I am, so... No, thank you.

She's in New Mexico at a swing

and salsa conference this weekend,

so it was either this

or sitting around on my own.

So...

Swing and salsa?

Well, they're actually

really different.

Okay.

Oh, that's--

[ Laughs ] That's a lot!

Hey, I'm sorry

about your mom.

I didn't mean

to bring it up.

It's okay.

Timmy's an idiot sometimes.

Really,

it's not a big deal.

I mean, of course it's a big deal,

but it's not a big deal.

How long ago

did she pass away?

Almost a year

and a half ago.

Just, you know,

you have my-- you have--

[ Timmy ]

Hey, guys.

We're good.

So what is this top-secret mission

you guys are on?

I mean,

I could tell you, but--

You'd have to

kill me?

No, of course not.

I'm a pacifist. Peter would kill you.

- I'm a pacifist.

- He's really not.

- He has to say that. It's his cover.

- Oh, my god. You're so funny.

[ Laughs ]

I know.

I think we may have actually

found an extinct duck. -Wow!

- Oh, this is public information now?

- Uh, yeah.

Get in the car.

- Thanks again, Ev.

- Hey, I should be thanking you.

I don't know what I'd do

without you. -Oh--

Uh, hey, you know.

I'm Timmy.

I'm-- I'm your--

[ Engine starts ]

I'm your guy.

[ RADIO:
Rap ]

You are!

Bye, guys.

Oh, and girl.

Why was she thanking you?

Oh, my god,

she's so hot.

How much this time,

Timmy?

I don't know.

Maybe the rest of the year.

You're doing her math homework

for the rest of the year?

You wouldn't understand

our relationship. Okay?

- Oh, my god.

- What?

[ Timmy ] No guns.

[ Peter ] What?

They've taken

the guns.

You brought it with you? -We need

to call the cops. Like, right now, guys.

And tell them what, Peter? That

we stole a car loaded with narcotics?

- You are a genius!

- Keep it hidden.

- All in favor?

- Aye. -Aye.

You know what?

They'll kill us in the woods. Okay?

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