A Birder's Guide to Everything Page #5

---

[ Knocking ]

- Eric.

- We have a situation.

[ Bird chirping ]

[ Ellen ]

What's that one?

Uh...

Black-capped chickadee.

How can you tell

which one it is so quickly?

Well, the best way is

to recognize its giss.

What?

[ Chuckles ]

G-i-s-s.

General impression,

shape and size.

That's how you make

a snap ID of a bird.

Yeah, I mean, I guess

it had a nice "jizz."

You know--

I know "giss" sounds like ejaculation.

I mean, come on.

Chickadee jizz?

Yeah.

It's in the tit family too. -Oh.

Um, I guess another way is

you can ID it by its calls.

So--

[ Bird chirping ]

Uh... Downy woodpecker.

[ Bird chirping ]

White-breasted nuthatch.

[ Bird chirping ]

Carolina wren.

[ Bird chirping ]

The nuthatch again.

[ Bird chirping, loud ]

- What was that one?

- It was a wood thrush.

[ Sighs ]

Hold on.

- Yeah?

- Where are you?

- Timmy's.

- You drove to Timmy's in Eric's car.

Peter drove.

Mm-hmm.

David, what the hell

is going on?

We may have discovered

an extinct duck.

We're at a park in Connecticut

just trying to look for it,

and we'll be back by tomorrow.

- An extinct duck?

- Yes.

We're just-- -All right, first,

you're seriously grounded.

Second-- and let me

make this abundantly clear--

if we end up waiting around for

you tomorrow just to waltz in--

You've already made it abundantly

clear how you can't handle waiting.

You know what?

Don't come.

[ Quietly ]

Sh*t.

Dad.

- Dad, I'm sorry.

- No, no. You're a young man now.

You can make

your own decisions.

I'll have Ted be the best man.

Sure.

Fine.

[ Clicks ]

- That was your dad?

- Yes.

- Hey, everything okay?

- Yes.

- Are you sure?

- My dad's getting married tomorrow.

To my mom's nurse.

Do you wanna

talk about it? -No.

Wait, David.

How are we gonna get back in time?

We're not.

[ Timmy ] I'm just saying, I think

the dunnock is the sluttiest bird.

[ Ellen ] Why?

- He or she has a partner...

And then immediately

goes to another partner.

- Kinda like you, Ellen.

- Thank you, Timmy. Thank you.

It's right there

behind the bush. See? Okay.

[ Chirping ]

One o'clock.

One o'clock.

You gotta look

right at it and just put the--

Oh-- oh.

[ Chirping ]

Hey, put down

eastern for me. You got it.

It's like I'm talking to it

and it replies. See?

- Pss, pss.

- Peter, shut up.

[ Chirping ]

[ Man vocalizing ]

[ Timmy ] Okay,

a lot of spider webs, guys.

[ Ellen ] Oh, big spider, big spider.

Big spider.

[ Peter ] Guys, I hear their spiders

are murder.

[ Vocalizing continues ]

[ David ]

There it is.

[ Peter ] All right, so there's a bridge

about two miles north-northeast of here.

[ David ] It's getting dark. I think

we should just cross here.

Exactly. I don't know about you guys.

I'm crossing this river.

[ Peter ] It's way too dangerous.

[ Timmy ] Oh, come on, Peter!

You know women cite physical bravery

as the number one quality in a man?

It's a sense of humor.

Ellen, brave or funny guys?

- Funny.

- What?

Okay, well, whatever.

With hot women, anyway,

as in Evelyn Reed,

it's physical bravery.

So ha. -Can we stop it

with Evelyn Reed already?

[ Timmy ] Um, jealous much?

[ Ellen ] Timmy, you keep kissing her ass,

hoping something

will happen--

- Which it will.

- When she's so clearly dork-baiting you.

Okay, Evelyn Reed

likes me, all right?

What's dork-baiting?

It's when a cute girl

is super nice to a nerdy guy--

- I'm not nerdy.

- ..so that he'll worship her...

and fix her computer and

make her feel good about herself...

and, oh, also

do her homework.

I'm doing her homework

because we're friends, all right?

That's what friends

do for each other.

You wouldn't know 'cause

you don't have any friends.

Timmy, it took her

45 minutes to drive us here.

So now you're gonna go and do

her homework for the rest of the year.

Just go. -Doesn't that sound

messed up to you?

Let's just go. -She calls you

her "personal math hobbit."

That's bullshit.

I'm not gonna believe that. -Yeah?

David told me.

What?

Is that true?

- I'm sorry.

- Shut up!

- Is that true?

- I didn't mean to say it--

Just please stop talking!

Why are you such a b*tch to me?

- Let's go, Timmy.

- No, I know. You take her side!

- I'm not taking anyone's side.

- Of course you are.

You don't give a crap

about me or Peter!

Come on. Let's just cross

the river, okay, guys?

Stop being a p*ssy!

You have to realize that everyone

in the world is full of sh*t, okay?

He doesn't give a crap about you,

me or finding the labrador duck.

He just wants to pork

Ellen of Troy over there!

- I am not a p*ssy, okay?

- What are you talking about?

Every time I look at you, you're

trying to talk to her and feel her up.

Don't get your hopes up, Dave.

She's probably just dork-baiting you!

I don't even like Ellen!

You don't know anything about me!

Oh, yeah! I wouldn't know

anything about my best friend!

[ Gasping ] Because his mom died

he's all messed up or whatever!

F*** you!

- [ Timmy ] Sh*t!

- [ Ellen ] Are you okay?

- [ Gasping ]

- [ David ] Peter. You all right?

- Peter.

- His inhaler!

- Where is it? Sh*t.

- Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

It's okay. Stand up,

stand up. Go on!

[ Ellen ] Peter, stand up.

Peter, stand up!

Stand up.

Come on. Get it.

You gotta get him

to the shore. -I know, I know!

Okay, okay. Come on. This side.

This side, this side, this side.

[ Peter wheezes, coughs ]

[ Peter gasping ]

[ Timmy ] Oh, my god!

It's so cold!

- Up. Come on.

- Oh, my god.

- [ Ellen ] Okay.

- [ Timmy gasps ]

- [ David ] Oh!

- [ Ellen ] Guys, it's sounding really bad!

[ Coughing ]

Okay, okay, okay.

I'm just gonna give you mouth-to-

mouth, okay? Lean back. Lean back.

Stop. Okay, ready?

One, two, three. -No.

[ Coughing ]

[ Ellen ] Guys!

- Oh! I got it!

- I found it!

- Yes! Yes!

- Throw it to me!

- [ David ] Yes. Come on!

[ Peter gasping ]

[ Ellen ] Timmy, just throw it!

[ Peter coughs ]

Oh, sh*t. Okay.

- Throw it!

- All-all right. Okay.

Okay. Oh, god!

- What the hell, Timmy!

- Are you trying to kill him?!

I'm sorry!

I'm a birder!

I got it.

Okay, now--

Peter!

[ Wheezing ]

[ Inhaler hisses ]

Yeah. [ Sighs ]

It's over.

[ Both panting ]

- That sucked!

- [ Panting ]

[ David ]

Are you all right?

- [ Exhales ]

- [ Grunts ]

You okay?

Thanks again

for the T-shirt.

It's a good color

for you.

It really is.

[ Owl hooting ]

- [ Ellen ] So how long--

- Shh.

[ Hooting ]

Great horned owl.

Nice.

Personal frickin' hobbit.

There are tons of girls

out there, Timmy.

Easy for you to say, Miss I-have-

crazy-wild-sex-whenever-I-want.

What?

You don't have to rub it

in our faces.

What are you

talking about?

I've never even

had sex, okay?

That's bullshit.

You're dating a guy in a band.

We've only kissed, and he

lives in Minnesota anyway.

- Is that where you're from?

- I lived there for a year.

And then before that Delaware,

Texas, Guam and Germany.

Germany. Yeah.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes