A Birder's Guide to Everything Page #6

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My dad's

in the air force.

That's so badass.

It sucks.

I'm always the new girl, and then

whenever I make a friend, we move.

Where are you going next?

Actually, it looks like

we'll be in Somers for good now.

Okay, well,

I have a confession to make.

Um...

Technically speaking,

I've never... Really done a girl.

Not even missionary style.

You're 15. It's okay.

It's not a big deal.

I've only kissed, like, one boy.

Okay, well, I have

another confession to make.

Um...

Technically speaking,

I've never...

Really kissed a girl.

Me neither.

- Spin the stick?

- Right.

I've, um-- I've never

really kissed a girl either.

No!

[ Ellen, David chuckle ]

Sorry.

[ Laughing ]

That's what I asked him.

Don't patronize me.

That's what happened.

I can tell you that story

does not get better with age,

unlike this wine.

Thank you. Not from a box.

Special occasion?

So you bribed a cop? -I invented

a great meal, thank you very much.

[ Woman ] Debatable.

[ Man ] French fries with honey...

is not that great

a meal.

It's paying for David's college,

so no complaining.

Where is David anyway?

He's, uh-- he's actually

on a bird-watching trip.

I didn't know

he was still into all that.

Oh, yeah.

Definitely into it.

[ Woman ] That's great. -Is he

still planning on skipping college...

and making wildlife films?

What? When did he

tell you that, Ted?

I don't know. The--

the last time I saw him.

At the, you know--

the funeral.

- Uh--

[ Ted chuckles ] What?

No, I guess

we haven't talked about it.

All right.

Would you like some more wine?

- Yes!

- Of course.

[ Ted laughs ] You would. -[ Woman ]

What's that supposed to mean?

[ Mara ] Really?

[ Ted ] Just saying.

[ Insects chirping ]

- Hey, Peter?

- Yeah?

Do you ever wish that earth

was more like middle-earth?

All the time.

[ Branch snapping ]

Drug lords.

I'll stand guard.

Yes!

- I can see you.

- Oh, Jesus!

- Close your eyes, all right?

- Sorry.

Done.

Sorry.

Can I see?

Sure.

There it is.

- First drawing?

- Yeah.

Really trying

to perfect that one. Yeah?

Yeah, it's-- it's weird.

It's fine.

Last year I came home early from school

one time and my dad was doing drugs.

Wait.

Like "drug" drugs?

Yeah.

Like snorting

crushed Oxycontin.

It was pretty intense.

I have this image stuck in my head

of his face when he saw me.

I've never told anyone

except for my shrink.

I-I have a shrink too.

Yeah, I would hope so.

Your dad's getting married

in, like, 20 hours.

Yeah.

And you said he's marrying

your mom's nurse?

Yeah.

Was there, like--

- Forget it. I--

- O-overlap?

Yeah. I don't know.

Maybe.

I'm sure that there wasn't.

I mean, I--

My mom was sick

for a long time.

I've definitely

thought about it.

You know...

You're actually a lot easier to talk to

than my shrink.

And definitely a lot easier

to talk to than Timmy and Peter.

[ Chuckles ]

Thanks.

I don't really

have a boyfriend.

He was just a guy

that I kissed at a party,

and I said

he was my boyfriend, but... He's not.

Okay.

Yeah, so--

I should go back to bed.

Okay, I'll--

I guess I'll guard.

- Sit guard.

- Right. Okay. Yeah.

All right,

well, good night. -Night.

Night.

Awesome.

[ Footsteps ]

Shh.

[ Vehicles approaching ]

What was that?

I don't know.

Timmy?

[ Timmy ]

Goddamn drug lords!

[ Grunting ]

Wait up.

[ David ]

Timmy! Timmy.

It's go time. -Wait, wait.

Your plan is to knife them?

Just put away

the knife, Timmy.

It's your funeral.

Whoa. Nice outfits.

How we doin'?

Any luck

finding the labrador?

Why are you

following us?

We're actually

following our guide.

Who's your guide?

Gentlemen!

[ Konrad ]

Birding on an ATV.

Seems like

an oxymoron,

but it gets the job done.

You know, ever since

you boys left my office,

I've been kicking myself.

How could I,

a noted veteran of the field,

entrust what is probably the biggest

ornithological find of the century...

to-- no offense now--

amateurs?

Lately I've been spending a bit of time

guiding these gentlemen here,

and I just thought the more chaps

helping-- -We don't need your help.

Well, I think we can

all agree that

the most important thing here is

finding the bird.

We're simply doubling

the size of our search party.

Just a few years ago,

even with hundreds of people

combing that Arkansas bayou,

we still couldn't prove our claim

on finding-- -Yeah, we know.

The ivory-billed

woodpecker. We're fans.

You're trying to poach

our sighting.

Who's the new girl?

Her name's Ellen.

Guys. I'm sorry.

Can we take a second?

Of course.

- What--

- Sorry.

- Iis non credo.

- Verum est.

Fugiamus.

Consentiens frustrabo.

Carpe diem?

[ Boys ]

Carpe diem.

So you're saying we're all gonna

get a shared sighting credit?

Oh, certainly. I'm sorry. I should have

prefaced all this by saying--

It's fine. We think we saw

something flying south a few hours ago,

heading toward Cross Lake.

- I think we should stick with Cedar's.

It's the most obvious choice.

Of course. We can split up. We'll go

to Cedar, and you can go to the river--

A sea duck

resting on a river?

Have you even been

birding before?

[ Timmy ] Watch it.

- Oh, really?

It's just what I saw.

[ Peter ]

Eos abducam.

- Peter.

- Hey.

- Peter, what are you doing?

- Non sum vagina.

- Hey!

- No, no, no, no!

[ Peter shouts ]

Hey, off, you crazy kid!

Stop! Stop!

Get off the--

Are you crazy? Are you insane?

[ Jeff ]

Go, go, go!

Come on!

Get on! Get on!

- Holy sh*t!

- Thrilling.

So what now?

- What do you mean?

- I don't know.

Peter just stole

your friend's ATV,

and you're trying to

steal our sighting.

- Just that.

- That's one way of looking at it.

Another way is to say

that we're four birders...

looking to find an extinct duck,

standing on the brink of history.

How do we know you're not

gonna steal the credit for the sighting?

Are we cool?

Yes.

Miguel forgot a tie.

You have one?

He's not gonna want

one of my ties.

Let me see

what David has.

[ Sighs ]

Don, I'm gonna need

the list for the--

What the hell

is all this?

I think I might be

an a**hole, Ted.

[ Konrad ] It's rare I go birding

with the younger generation.

I had hoped that my daughter

would follow in my footsteps,

but she and my ex-wife

detest me.

Did you and your mother

bird together?

Yes. A lot.

She would have

adored this.

You probably don't remember,

but back in the '90s,

she discovered a new colony

of piping plovers.

Piping plovers. I have

all the newspaper clippings.

There's nothing like

the feeling of discovery.

How's your father doing? It must be

difficult for the two of you now.

He's, uh,

he's getting married.

I see.

- Yeah.

- Well, everyone copes differently.

Yeah. And some people

are just d*cks.

Your father

is not a dick.

I'm sorry,

but you don't know him.

Well, I do, actually.

He helped with archiving

Dotty's research materials...

at the magazine

after she died.

What?

Wait, wait, how?

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