A Birder's Guide to Everything Page #7

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How is that possible?

Birds are my muses.

And I strive to be

a true watcher.

I can remember when I spotted my

first greater prairie chicken...

but not

my own daughter's birthday.

But you're already--

I'm 63 years old

and very much alone.

I guide a**holes

for money.

I have one leg

and no driver's license.

Please do not confuse me

with a role model.

Why don't you have

a driver's license?

A bit of a mix-up...

between what I thought was an albino

nighthawk and a high-speed police chase.

[ Dotty ]

Get your binoculars out.

Okay, keep looking.

Keep looking. See if you see it.

Remarkable.

Yeah, it's empty

though.

[ Exhales ]

Here goes nothin'.

[ Quacking ]

[ Duck quacking ]

- Was that it?

- Maybe. It was a little muffled.

No, it was definitely

a greeting call.

[ David ] I think that maybe it was--

- Oh, my god!

That would be

a male mallard. -Oh.

[ Quacking ]

[ David ] Wait.

Why did it answer

to a scoter call?

Maybe it was raised

by scoters.

It was not raised

by scoters, okay?

[ David ] Cross Lake is a few miles up.

I think maybe we should just go there.

Why would it go

to the lake that's farther from shore?

It's not unheard of.

It's practically unheard of.

Guys?

Is that your duck,

David?

Oh, my god.

[ Ellen ]

What's it doing?

[ David ]

Shh. It's preening.

The light

couldn't be better.

[ Konrad ]

It's a magnificent bird.

[ Shutter clicking ]

- [ Gunshot ]

- [ Timmy ] Sh*t!

- Hey, fellas!

- What the hell, man!

[ Vehicles approaching ]

I'm Carl Senior.

This is my son,

Carl Junior.

Oh, awesome! You just shot

an extinct duck! -Timmy, calm down.

I'm not sure you know

what that word means.

[ Jeff ]

Your friend is nuts!

[ Dog barking ]

[ Jeff ] Whoa.

[ Carl Sr. ] Easy, cruise.

[ Jeff ] Hey.

[ Peter ]

Whoa.

- How did this happen?

- These morons shot it.

- Everyone, relax.

- You shot an extinct duck, sir.

Does extinct mean something different

these days? [ Duck quacking ]

[ Wings flapping ]

[ Wings flapping ]

[ Quacking ]

It's suffering.

[ Carl Sr. ]

Give it to me. Please.

Please.

[ Neck snaps ]

[ Sighs, coughs ]

[ Konrad ] May I see the animal?

[ Konrad ] This isn't a labrador duck.

[ Timmy ] What?

Its neck does decline strangely,

but I think what we have here...

is an oddly-plumaged

hybrid mallard.

Look at the wing markings. -See,

the wing markings always concerned me.

Yep. It's definitely

an odd hybrid of sorts.

- Just shut up, Jeff.

[ Carl Sr. ] If it's okay with you guys,

we'd like to take the duck

for our banquet.

Banquet? -We're hunting

for our church banquet.

All the proceeds are going

to the Save Darfur Foundation.

Well, that's a bit

of silver lining.

David, it's--

David, it was just

a hybrid mallard.

[ Sobs ]

[ Exhales ]

It looked at me.

It didn't have to suffer.

I know.

Why did she have to die?

[ Sobbing ]

I don't know why.

[ Sobbing ]

You know in Indiana Jones

and the Temple of Doom,

the bad guy that goes around

and rips the heart out of people...

and holds it up in front of their face

so they watch it beat?

- Yeah, I hate that part.

- [ Sniffles ]

[ Breathes deeply ]

I don't see how

it'll ever stop hurting.

Well, um, maybe one day...

it'll feel less awful than "ripping

an organ out of your chest" pain.

But my guess is

it'll always hurt.

Yeah.

[ Sniffles ]

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

What-what time is it?

I don't know.

I think my phone died three hours ago.

Will we make it back

for the wedding?

- I mean, we don't have a car.

- I wonder if I have cell service.

- Oh, my god.

- What?

- What?

- Oh, my god, no.

This is-- this is worse

than it looks.

- We need to get you home.

- [ David ] Yeah.

So, those guys

weren't really drug lords.

No, they were pretty much

the opposite of drug lords.

[ Ellen ] You're not going

to taste that, are you?

Just kidding.

It's rock candy.

- I said it was rock candy!

- Your first correct I.D.

It's going on

my life list.

[ Man ] Now we'll hear

a musical selection...

from the son of the bride,

Miguel Santos.

Miguel?

Meet me tonight

in Dreamland

Under the silv'ry moon

Meet me tonight

in Dreamland

Where love's

sweet roses bloom

Meet me in Dreamland

Oh, sweet dreamy Dreamland

There make my dreams

Come true

Thank you, Miguel.

Mm! And now the rings.

David?

Working at

your own wedding?

Right?

It's pretty messed up.

You know, there's a million

people to talk to out there.

I know. It's what I get

for hiring Eric, I guess.

That is what you get.

Dad?

Yeah?

Were you seeing Juliana...

before or after mom--

Definitely after.

Good.

Your mother

was the love of my life.

You know that.

No, I didn't.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

David, I'm sorry. I should have

done a better job of explaining it all.

- We spoke about it.

- No, we didn't.

We didn't speak about it.

Not really.

We didn't.

You know, it's--

you remember that--

I just don't want to pretend

that we don't miss mom.

Me either.

Wanna grab that chicken?

[ Ellen ] They thought we were

terrorists. It was awful.

Hey. Excuse me.

Are you in a band

or something?

Excuse me?

[ Jazz ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Feedback ]

[ Taps on microphone ]

Hello?

[ Stops ]

[ Chattering continues ]

Hey!

[ Chattering stops ]

Hey, everyone. Um--

So technically

I'm the best man here,

and I guess

I'm supposed to give a toast.

Um--

[ Sighs ] Where do I start?

The thing is,

the last couple of days I've

been looking for an extinct duck.

[ Scattered laughter ]

No.

No, it's not like

a metaphor or something.

Turns out

it wasn't extinct.

Actually, it wasn't the duck

I thought it was,

and it got shot,

uh, but in a weird way,

it turns out...

it might actually help

the whole situation going on in Darfur.

Sorry. Anyway--

[ Exhales ]

I'm-I'm glad

I made it here... Today.

Well, the last few years

have been--

They've been kind of rough

for our family.

Um--

- David--

- I know. Sorry.

Dad likes to fill holes

with lists.

That's what he does.

He writes lists of everything,

like lists of lists,

and I like to find rare birds, so I'm

not really one to talk, but...

It doesn't--

doesn't really work.

Which is why

I'm so glad he found Juliana.

Because I know my mom

really liked her...

and my dad

obviously likes her too.

That's all that matters.

And...

That's why

we're all here, right?

So...

I wish them a happy

and long life together.

Here's to dad and Juliana.

You were perfect.

[ Resumes ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Timmy whistling ]

So, does Eric know that we, like,

destroyed his engine?

[ Timmy ]

Uh, you know,

timing's not quite right.

Yeah, he's not

gonna be happy.

I got some serious sh*t on him that

I've been saving for a moment like this.

Got it.

- Think I'm gonna head home now.

- Yeah, me too.

[ Timmy ]

Good times!

Totally.

[ Peter ]

Bye.

[ Peter ] So how long should I wait

till I call Kim?

- What, you got her number?

- Yeah. [ Laughs ]

Why didn't you

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