A Boy and His Dog

Ahem. World War 3.

Hot and cold.

Lasted from...

Dog:
Hold.

Dog:
Female.

Dog:
Rover pack has her, 125 yards.

Dog:
Solo, waiting

to move in, 75 yards.

Don't ...your stinking...

all over this god damn..get

away from me, No.....

Get away from me, nooo...

..Help me! Help me!

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, see her jerk when I cut her?

Dog:
Hold, one more.

Dog:
You're still

constantly overreacting.

Dog:
I've absolutely no idea

how I managed to keep

you alive so long.

Dog:
And I wouldn't

bother going down in there

unless your taste has changed radically

Dog:
They left an ugly mess.

Dog:
I said, they left a mess!

I heard you.

Dog:
The poor swine

all my directives go

completely unregarded.

Dog:
Sometimes youre just as

ignorant as any other common rover.

Dog:
One indication of a female alone

Dog:
and leave caution to

the wind, and the eyes glaze

Dog:
glands swell

and the brain freezes.

I can't see a thing

in there....smell it!

Dog:
I thought you were doing all

the scouting today, Vic.

Damn it Blood, don't give

me a hard time, smell it!

Dog:
It's clean.

Ain't that a shame.

Hell, they didn't have to cut her.

She could have been

used three or more times.

Dog:
Ah, war is hell.

All right. Run it again.

Dog:
Youre so funny when

you are sexually frustrated.

And I'm funny enough to

kick you upside the butt!

I said find and I ain't kidding.

Dog:
One does not said ain't,

Albert, simply say I'm not kidding.

Fine, dog meat. And

stop calling me Albert.

Dog:
Ah, and you would stone a poor

defenseless animal, wouldn't you.

Dog:
Yes, I can tell that would.

Dog:
I could tell by your short breath

Dog:
And your disgusting

aggressive behavior that you would.

Dog:
And, humph.

Dog:
that's because you're

not a nice person, Albert

Dog:
you're not a nice person at all.

Dog:
Do I gawk at you

when you're working?

Dog:
I'll locate a

female if there is one.

Dog:
You go look for food.

woohoo, yeah, sonofabitch

why don't you shove it

hey, what's going on?

Dog:
I detect no living

female person in my range, sir.

Dog:
I have sniffed and I have cast

Dog:
And I have a negative reading.

Dog:
However I'd be

happy to tell you a

suggestive story if that would help

Pass, fuzzy-butt.

Dog:
A cautious young man named Lodge

Dog:
Had seat belts

installed in his dodge.

Dog:
When his date was strapped in

Dog:
He committed a sin,

without leaving the garage.

Dog:
That's clever, isn't it?

Let's see, from March 1953 to June...

Dog:
Now Albert, you have all

the cranial capacity of a canary.

Dog:
Now, I'm going to recount these

events of historical

significance once again

Dog:
Now please try to

assimilate them this time.

Dog:
WW3, hot and cold, lasted

from June 1950 to March 1983

Dog:
Dog: When the Vatican

armistice was signed

Dog:
Between the Eastern and

Western blocs, a total of 33 years.

Dog:
Is it too fast for you?

No, I'm right with

you. Dog:
Oh, good.

Dog:
Now World War 4 lasted 5 days

Dog:
Just long enough

for the final missiles

Dog:
to leave their

silos on both sides.

Dog:
What's left here were

once homes with warm hearths...

Hee, hee, would you get off

my back you mad dog, hehehe

Dog:
Now, only

desolation, civilization

lies smothered and decaying

under an ocean of mud

Dog:
belonging to anyone

who's strong enough to

Dog:
kick and fight and

take it for their own.

Dog:
God, that's dramatic, I like it.

Dog:
So, spread about us,

the city of Phoenix, Arizona

Dog:
where in 2006, 18

odd years ago you managed to

Dog:
come into the world

and we became associates.

Dog:
Now, let's hear that back.

Dog:
Now let run through

the modern presidents.

What good is this history

crap going to do me?

Dog:
Just do the Presidents.

Oh, God...Eisenhower, Truman..

Dog:
Truman, Eisenhower

Vic:
Kennedy, Johnson,

Nixon...Kennedy, Kennedy...

Dog:
Your continued

narrow-minded refusal to believe in

Over The Hill, is possibly

costing us a better life, you know.

Over The Hill, my ass.

Dog:
Well when do we

start looking for it again?

Soon as I get my heart started?

Dog:
I mean let's stop the crap..

I know what you mean, over the hill

where the deer and the antelope play.

and it's warm and clean and

we can relax and have fun

Man, they grow food right out of

the ground, how do

like that pipe dream?

Dog:
It's called farming.

Oh, I believe you. And they also have a

great crop of clothes and

guns and gorgeous chicks.

Now you're gonna tell me how so saw

the whole thing with your baby blues.

Dog:
Never said I saw,

I said I heard about it.

And from who?

Dog:
From whom, and

you know from whom.

And whom the hell's gonna

believe a police dog?

I'm sorry Blood.

I believe you about Over the Hill.

Hell, I believe anything you tell me.

and even if we don't know for

sure, it's worth checking, right?

Right?

Dog:
Whatever you say.

We will go, just like I promised.

Right now I'm hungry

and I wanna get laid.

So find me a broad and we'll

go to the promised land.

Dog:
That's what you always say.

I know, I know, but

I mean it this time.

Find me a chick and we'll go.

Dog:
I'm hungry.

So am I!

I tell you what. You go find a

chick and I'll hustle us up some food.

Dog:
I'm hungry.

You already said that, God

damn it and I just said...

Dog:
I can't do good

work when I'm hungry.

You ain't pulling

that crap on me again.

And you shove that part

about how you lost the

ability to hunt for food

when you learned how to talk!

Oh hell all you're good

for is finding hard, stingy

scum bags, that are just

liable to cut off my Goddamn....

Dog:
No food, no females.

Okay you just sit there on your

flabby butt while I do

all the god damn work.

I'll tell you one

goddamn thing, you better

do some tracking; it's

been six weeks since I

been laid and it sure

as hell ain't been

that long since you ate.

(dog hums in background]

By god it damn well may be if you

don't start producing.

Leroy's here.

Heave, heave, pull, pull on that line!

Pull on it! Pull....

Get out of there, hey you junkies,

get that dirt out of there.

Must be something special.

You got the whole bunch.

You get up and get

in that hole. Get up!

You get yourself up or you

ain't never gonna get up!

How'd he know there'd be a house

here...he' smart, that's how.

Wonder why they hang around him?

Dog:
Hmmm, probably just charisma.

Hey there...

You dig.

Move your foot if you don't

want...hey, watch where you're going!

Where'd you...it? Maybe

he ain't heard about it?

Hey!

Play!

Play melancholy baby!

Winds were soft, rains were wet,

mountains were high, things....

Dog:
God, I wish he'd tune that.

Well?

I don't know.

Chet got Cracker Jack to here.

Think he just might do.

Maybe.

Get out of here.. Look

at that. Real beer.

Keep your hands off of

that. Now get away from here.

Dog:
Sigh. Vic:

Look at all that food.

I'll knock your stupid

head in. You and who else?

You all right. I need

shoes. Anybody see some shoes?

Hey you pigs get down there and dig.

Rate this script:2.3 / 3 votes