A Charlie Brown Christmas

1

I think there must be

something wrong with me, Linus.

Christmas is coming, but I'm not happy.

I don't feel the way I'm supposed to feel.

I just don't understand Christmas,

I guess.

I like getting presents

and sending Christmas cards...

...and decorating trees and all that,

but I'm still not happy.

I always end up feeling depressed.

Charlie Brown,

you're the only person I know...

...who can take a wonderful season

like Christmas and turn it into a problem.

Maybe Lucy's right.

Of all the Charlie Browns in the world,

you're the Charlie Browniest.

[ECHOES]

Hello in there.

Rats.

Nobody sent me a Christmas card today.

I almost wish

there weren't a holiday season.

I know nobody likes me.

Why do we have to have a holiday season

to emphasize it?

Thanks for the Christmas card

you sent me, Violet.

I didn't send you a Christmas card,

Charlie Brown.

Don't you know sarcasm

when you hear it?

Pigpen,

you're the only person I know...

...who can raise a cloud of dust

in a snowstorm.

[CHOMPING]

Try to catch snowflakes

on your tongue.

It's fun.

Mm. Needs sugar.

It's too early.

I never eat December snowflakes.

I always wait until January.

They sure look ripe to me.

You think you're so smart

with that blanket.

What are you gonna do with it

when you grow up?

Maybe I'll make it into a sport coat.

I think you have a customer.

May I help you?

-I'm in sad shape.

-Wait a minute.

Before you begin,

I must ask that you pay in advance.

Five cents, please.

Boy, what a sound.

How I love to hear that old money plink,

that beautiful sound of cold, hard cash.

That beautiful, beautiful sound.

Nickels, nickels, nickels.

That beautiful sound of plinking nickels.

All right, now,

what seems to be your trouble?

I feel depressed.

I know I should be happy, but I'm not.

Well, as they say on TV...

...the mere fact

that you realize you need help...

...indicates that you are not too far gone.

I think we'd better pinpoint your fears.

If we can find out what you're afraid of,

we can label it.

Are you afraid of responsibility?

If you are, then you have hypengyophobia.

-I don't think that's quite it.

-How about cats?

If you're afraid of cats,

you have ailurophasia.

Well, sort of, but I'm not sure.

Are you afraid of staircases?

If you are, then you have climacophobia.

Maybe you have thalassophobia.

This is fear of the ocean.

Or gephyrophobia,

which is the fear of crossing bridges.

Or maybe you have pantophobia.

Do you think you have pantophobia?

-What's pantophobia?

-The fear of everything.

[SHOUTING]

That's it!

Actually, Lucy, my trouble is Christmas.

I just don't understand it.

Instead of feeling happy,

I feel sort of let down.

You need involvement.

You need to get involved

in some real Christmas project.

How would you like to be the director

of our Christmas play?

Me? You want me to be the director

of the Christmas play?

Sure, Charlie Brown.

We need a director, you need involvement.

We've got a shepherd, musicians,

animals, everyone you need.

We've even got a Christmas queen.

I don't know anything

about directing a Christmas play.

Don't worry, I'll be there to help you.

I'll meet you at the auditorium.

Incidentally, I know how you feel

about all this Christmas business...

...getting depressed and all that.

It happens to me every year.

I never get what I really want.

I always get a lot of stupid toys

or a bicycle...

...or clothes or something like that.

-What is it you want?

-Real estate.

What's going on here?

What's this?

"Find the true meaning of Christmas.

Win money, money, money.

Spectacular, super-colossal neighborhood

Christmas-lights-and-display contest."

Lights-and-display contest? Oh, no.

My own dog gone commercial.

I can't stand it. Oh....

I've been looking for you, big brother.

Will you please write a letter

to Santa Claus for me?

Well, I don't have much time.

I'm supposed to get down to the school

auditorium and direct a Christmas play.

You write it,

and I'll tell you what I want to say.

Okay, shoot.

Dear Santa Claus, how have you been?

Did you have a nice summer?

How is your wife?

I have been extra good this year...

...so I have a long list of presents

that I want.

Oh, brother.

Please note the size and color of each item

and send as many as possible.

If it seems too complicated,

make it easy on yourself:

Just send money.

-How about 10s and 20s?

-Tens and 20s? Oh....

Even my baby sister.

All I want is what I have coming to me.

All I want is my fair share.

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

All right, quiet, everybody.

Our director will be here any minute

and we'll start rehearsal.

-Director? What director?

-Charlie Brown.

-Oh, no, we're doomed.

-This will be the worst Christmas play ever.

Here he comes.

Attention, everyone, here's our director.

[APPLAUDING]

Booooooo.

Man's best friend.

Well, it's real good seeing y'all here.

As you know,

we are going to put on the Christmas play.

Due to the shortage of time,

we'll get right down to work.

One of the first things

to insure a good performance...

...is strict attention to the director.

I'll keep my directions simple.

If I point to the right,

it means focus attention stage right.

If I make a slashing motion

across my throat...

...it means cut the scene short.

If I make a revolving motion with my hand,

it means pick up the tempo.

If I spread my hands apart,

it means slow down.

It's the spirit of the actors that counts,

the interest that they show in their director.

Am I right? I said, am I right?

[PLAYING VINCE GUARALDI'S

"LINUS & LUCY"]

Stop the music! All right, now.

We're going to do this play

and we're going to do it right.

Lucy, get those costumes and scripts

and pass them out.

Now, the script girl

will be handing out your parts.

You're the innkeeper's wife.

Do innkeepers' wives

have naturally curly hair?

Pigpen, you're the innkeeper.

In spite of my outward appearance,

I shall try to run a neat inn.

Shermy, you're a shepherd.

Every Christmas it's the same.

I always end up playing a shepherd.

Snoopy, you'll have to be all the animals

in our play.

-Can you be a sheep?

-Baa.

-How about a cow?

-Moo.

How about a penguin?

-Yes, he's even a good penguin.

-Ooow!

No, no, no.

Listen, all of you.

You've got to take direction.

[LUCY SPEAKING AND SNOOPY MOUTHING]

You've got to have discipline.

You've gotta have respect

for your director.

I ought to slug you.

Ugh. I've been kissed by a dog.

I have dog germs.

Get hot water,

get some disinfectant, get some iodine.

-Waaah.

-Ah.

All right, all right, script girl,

continue with the scripts.

Linus, you've got to get rid

of that stupid blanket.

And here, memorize these lines.

I can't memorize these lines.

This is ridiculous.

Memorize it and be ready to recite

when your cue comes.

I can't memorize something like this

so quickly.

Why should I be put through such agony?

Give me one good reason

Rate this script:3.8 / 4 votes