A Child's Christmases in Wales Page #4

Last time,

it saw me through till February.

We'll keep the Christmas pudding

until after The Queen's Speech.

- Good idea.

- Have you got a colour TV yet?

No, Geraint still isn't convinced.

Ours has got two million colours.

- Which ones?

- Red, yellow, all the greats.

- Two is enough for me.

- Brings things to life, though, you know.

Do you know that Lenny Henry

is a black fella?

I tell you what programme I like,

the EastEnders.

What's that about?

It's about a group of people living in

London having all these problems.

- Oh, I'll look out for that.

- You haven't got a television, have you?

I've got a little trick up my sleeve, Huw.

What I do, I go down the TV shop

and I watch it through the window.

- You get to see it 20 times that way!

- But you can't hear what they say.

Oh, you get the gist of it.

I saw most of the World Cup like that

and Last Night Of The Prams.

You can hardly watch Last Night

Of The Proms without hearing the sound.

Actually,

I never enjoyed it so much!

Right, listen up,

this is simple.

If you get more than half the balls,

you've won. Now,

our side of the family

is all about winning.

This year,

I carpeted Shirley Bassey's bathroom

whilst your mother is now a dinner lady.

We're winners. Go on.

Right, fingers on hippos.

Ready?

Go!

Keep hitting the lever.

Keep hitting the lever.

Keep hitting the lever.

Keep hitting the lever.

Keep hitting the lever.

- Keep hitting the lever.

- Madhouse, this is.

Keep hitting the lever!

Keep hitting the lever!

Keep hitting the lever!

Keep hitting the lever!

Keep hitting the lever! Stop!

- Stop! Stop! OK.

- Let's count 'em up.

I don't know if it was enough.

Let's just hope there was enough.

It's all right. It was good.

Owen's hippo has ten balls.

Maurice's hippo has nine balls.

Well done, Owen.

Well, it's not about winning, is it?

There's meant to be 20 balls there.

Cracking game, that, lads.

Right, who wants to play find my socks?

There's meant to be 20 balls.

There's obviously one ball missing.

Now, who wants a bit

of Christmas pudding?

No, no, never mind

"who wants a bit of Christmas pudding"!

Where's the 20th ball?

It invalidates the result of the game.

Never mind.

- Where is the other ball?

- Huw, leave it!

There's meant to be 20 balls.

If there's only 19 it turns

Hungry Hippos into a complete farce!

- We can just call it a draw.

- We could, could we?!

A safe little draw. Is that what you want?

Is it? A nice safe little draw

and then we put our petticoats on...

I'll give him petticoats in a minute

No, no, sorry, what we're going to do

is we're going to have a rematch.

- I don't think we should.

- Oh, no, I bet you don't.

You would rather just say

it was a safe draw

and go over there and play with

My Little Ponies or something.

Actually, Huw...

Owen won.

He's offering you a draw out of charity.

- Charity, eh, pal?!

- Mmm.

Well, I tell you what,

at least I don't get my clothes

from a charity shop, eh?

- Oh, do something, Geraint.

- Oh, I think it's just a bit of fun.

I might not have a lot of money, right,

but what I do have I didn't get

by screwing up my marriage

and then screwing over my wife

in court. No offense, Maurice!

At least I earn my money

by providing carpets,

rather than getting sacked

from a meat processing plant

for stealing sheep

and selling them second-hand.

One! I stole one sheep.

At least I've got a nice big house,

big enough for a television and a toilet.

At least I learned how to use a toilet,

Huw,

rather than wetting the bed

until I was 15!

13!

- I was 13.

- Oh, yes, this is just a bit of fun

Right! You and I are going to settle this

once and for all, Gorwel!

Let's have it!

Gorwel, take a hippo.

Uncle Huw, I don't think...

Shut it!

I said...

...take a hippo.

We go...

on three.

One...

- two...

- Ha, ha, ha-ha!

The pudding! Oh...!

- Fire! That's a fire!

- Geraint, get some water.

Fire. It's on fire.

- Don't just stand there!

- Wrap yourselves in a carpet.

I set a mate of mine on fire once

and they wrapped him in a carpet.

- We're not on fire.

- We will be in a minute.

Everyone stand back!

Oh!

A glass of water is no good, Geraint!

Everyone stay where you are!

Geraint, you're useless, away!

- Somebody call 999!

- Has anyone got 10p for the phone?

Oh, my God,

the bloody tree's on fire!

- Anyone got change of a pound?

- We're done for.

- I just need change.

- Oh, my God. For Pete's sake!

I'm dead. We're dead.

- Where's Mum gone?

- I love you, Maurice, my dead son!

- Stand back!

- Brenda!

Go for it, woman.

Oh, my God, Bren, you saved our life.

Good work, Bren.

Aargh!

The fire was already out, Gorwel.

Better safe than sorry, Bren.

Not now, Geraint.

Trivial Pursuit?

Easy, careful you don't knock it.

All right. OK.

Just six degrees more.

Six, mind. Don't go mad.

Hark, the herald angels sing

Glory to...

Christmas 1989,

the '80s were coming to an end,

a terrible recession

was just around the corner.

It was a time of revolution,

the Berlin Wall had just came dawn -

it inspired many people

to dream of change.

It inspired Dad to take down

the fence in the garden.

We 'n' gut a video player

and even a telephone.

- At the third stroke it will be $.13...

- ...precisely.

But we were only allowed

to use it for emergencies.

And we had to make sure

all emergencies happened after 6pm.

Who's been using this phone?

Essential calls only, please.

I might as well

be talking to myself here.

Mum was still cleaning like a maniac

or, as she called it,

"maintaining standards".

It's funny what you think is normal

when you are young.

It wasn't till my first week

at university that I realised

I was the only person

who brought his own tea towels.

Oh...

What you watching?

Ben-Hur.

Hmm. What happened?

Ben-Hur was a Jewish prince who was sold

into slavery, endured many hardships

and great suffering

before returning to take revenge

in one of the most expensive

closing scenes ever made.

All in Technicolor.

Any good?

Didn't think much of it, to be honest.

No, we didn't think much of it.

Long.

One day it'll be me sitting around

with my feet up

watching people

being sold into slavery

Well, I never.

The cheek of it.

Your brothers are five minutes early.

What do they think we are,

a drive-in cinema?!

Come on, you two.

Chop-chop. Look lively.

What was really moving about

spending time with Tom Jones,

a man who's had the hits he's had and

the underwear he's had thrown at him,

is that underneath it all,

he's just a man.

A man with a pair of trousers on.

Like you or me.

Does something smell funny in here?

At one point we were on his veranda

and he turned to me, Tom Jones,

and do you know what he said?

"Pass us those biscuits."

That's right. Eats biscuits.

Just like you or I eat biscuits.

Can someone smell

something sort of...?

And that's what you notice

about really great men - humility.

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