A Child's Christmases in Wales Page #5

At one point

we were in his swimming pool,

I was on his Lilo -

shaped like a crocodile -

just like a normal person's Lilo.

He turned to me, Tom Jones...

I'm sorry to interrupt you, Huw,

but I think something

smells funny under this tree.

Oh...!

That's my gift to you, that is, Bren.

Oh!

It might be edible.

I look forward to tomorrow.

It might be the biggest

Stilton in Wales, like.

Gosh!

Anyway, I suppose the point

I'm trying to make about Tom Jones,

if I am trying to make a point

at all, is that, above all...

I won a competition

back in the '70s, Bren,

to spend a day with jimmy Savile.

He hardly compares to Tom Jones,

does he?

No.

Good. Right, well, the thing is...

He was running a marathon the week

after so we didn't get up to much.

A bit of circuit training, press-ups.

Oh, I don't think that was worth

interrupting me for, do you?

Oh, gosh, Maurice, you are getting tall.

Yes, he's had a terrific year

of growing. Very impressive year.

Obviously eating all his greens.

No, not just greens - all sorts.

I've had a lady in to cook.

Housekeeper?

...Girlfriend.

Maurice, put the tape on.

Come on, you big lump.

Where did you meet her?

Ah, put one or two...

You know, one or two

personal ads in the...

Been advertising in the lonely hearts,

have you, Huw?

They're called personal ads these days,

Gorwel.

Oh, are they? Right...

What did you put about yourself, Huw?

"Very rich, highly sexual man,

as heard on radio advert.

"Has a large workforce,

hires and fires at the drop of a hat.

"Knows Tom Jones

and has been on Jones's Lilo.

"Would like to meet a woman

with a high sense of hygiene."

Shush! It's starting.

I'll tell you later on.

Oggy. Oggy. Oggy!

Oi, oi, oi!

Oi, oi, oi!

Shush, Maurice.

He's going through one of those phases,

you know.

Listening to all this American music

and having thoughts.

A 'r gath

wedi sgrapo Joni bach oi oi of..

Sosban fach yn berwi ar y tn

Sosban fawr yn berwi ar y llawr

A'r gath wedi sgrapo Joni bach...

It didn't work out too well.

Sorry.

Looking back,

I wonder if I'm exaggerating

some of the things

Mum did around the house.

Either that, Or by this time

she was starting to get a bit...

well...

odd.

Number 30, the Rhyses'.

Ok, We Wish You A Merry Christmas. OK'?

Remember to smile.

One, two, three, four...

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas...

Blimey, they're here.

Where's the chequebook?

I tidied it.

Where is the... blasted thing?

I tidied it away.

You know, I'm sure things

in this house just...

sprout legs and walk away.

I might as well

be talking to myself here.

And I wish they'd stop wishing us

a merry Christmas. Oh!

Ah. got it!

What's that flaming racket?!

They come every year.

You're normally too late to see them.

Oh, get rid of them, will you?

We're missing Max here.

- You can pause it.

- It wears the tape out.

Well, just stop it and start again.

It wears the tape out.

Well, can we just watch it another...?

For God's sake, man, think of the tape.

We won't go until we get some

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

and a happy New Year.

Very nice. Merry Christmas.

Now we're going to do some new stuff.

This is Mull of Kintyre.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

That's not a Christmas song.

We found the whole Christmas thing

a bit limiting.

We see ourselves more as a group

who outgrew the Christmas market.

This is our debut compact disc.

It's not out till next year,

but if you buy it off us now

it's 50p cheaper.

We're trying to watch a video

in there. Can I just...?

Well, if you're not interested

in the new stuff,

we'll leave you with one of

our classics - The Holly And The Ivy.

No, no, no! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop!

The holly and the ivy

When they are both full grown

Of all the trees that are in the wood

- The holly bears the crown...

- What's he doing out there?

We're missing Max here.

I'm going to shut them up

myself in a minute!

- Yeah, yeah, you're all talk, you are.

- What's that, Huw?

You, you're all talk.

You're not going to do anything.

Here we go,

the traditional conversation, right.

"Gorwel never achieves anything."

"Gorwel had to sell some of his clothes

this year."

Leave him alone. Never mind.

No, you're right, Huw. I am all talk.

I'm just an idiot

who spends all his money

buying novelty cheeses

for his sister-in-law, like.

I never do anything useful.

I never do anything.

Anything except this.

Gorwel!

...As red as any blood...

...And Mary bore...

That's enough, thank you.

- Bye-bye.

- Hey, what are you doing?

Someone's got to stop 'em.

Why can't it be Gorwel?

Where did you get that whistle from?

I carry it for situations like this.

Do you realise that disturbing

the peace is a crime?

Do you realise that singing badly

is a crime too?

- Do you know who you're talking to?

- Yes. I'm talking to you,

and quite frankly I've had just

about enough of your racket.

I'm trying to watch Max Boyce!

Who the hell wants to watch Max Boyce?

I'll give you one chance

to take that back, boy.

Is he even still alive?

You don't say that about Max.

You don't do that.

Oh!

Watch the Nativity!

Watch it!

- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

- Hold me back!

Hold me back!

Oh, my giddy aunt!

- Oh, can I go out?

- No.

Watch Max Boyce, please.

I don't understand the jokes.

I have never understood the jokes, but

you don't hear me complaining, do you?

It's all about the old days.

The 1970s is not the old days,

is it, Huw?

No.

Wales has gone soft.

It's gone soft, I tell you.

You can't punch anyone.

You can't kick a man's tambourine.

How much did you have to pay?

Because it was Christmas

they let me off with 50 quid bail, like.

Plus another 50

for four taxis to the hospital.

And 20 quid

to the tambourine bloke...

...for his tambourine.

And where are you going to find

that sort of money?

I got a little trick up my sleeve.

A little trick called not paying it.

- They'll catch up with you.

- I'll be all right.

The boys down the aquarium

will have me back, I'm sure of it.

I can lend you the money, Gorwel.

I can't take your money, Huw.

Oh.

OK.

Well...

thinking about it, I, er...

...I might be able to take it.

Right, well...

...offer's there.

The more I consider it, the more I feel

I could definitely... take the money.

Good.

Right.

Who's having a whisky?

I don't think you should have

any more, Gorwel.

I don't think so either...

...but here we go.

I couldn't work out

how Maurice had got so big

that he hardly fitted in the room.

Or how his hair had got like that.

I wondered if a similar thing

might happen to me.

Still, we got along as well as usual.

Snow!

Snow!

Snow!

Gorwel Rhys has

Gorwel Rhys has

Gorwel Rhys has won a grand!

- Gorwel Rhys has won...

- A madhouse, this is.

...a grand!

I've won a grand!

Get down, Gorwel!

- I've won a grand! I've won a grand!

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