A Liar's Autobiography: The Untrue Story of Monty Python's Graham Chapman Page #5

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"I'm afraid I think too much

about my earthly reputation,

"but I cannot help agreeing with him

about fornicators, adulterers,

"effeminates and abusers of mankind.

"I'm constantly being misquoted

on this point.

"I would like to state quite clearly

that sex is nothing more

"than the way in which

two or more people

"can have lots of harmless, cheap fun,

"provided that they are clean

and that the aim is not reproduction.

"The betterment of the lot of mankind

is impossible

"without strict limits on reproduction,

so don't make the mistake

"the rest of the world has made

and overpopulate yourselves.

"Not everyone has to have children,

for Christ's sake.

"He didn't have any

and I should know.

"If you really feel you have to have

children, then make sure

"that, as parents, you have no more

than you can properly look after.

"I exhort you to be empathetic,

"be splendid,

be aware of your own ignorance,

"and, as always, beware of those

who claim to lead you

"to better self-knowledge

by taking your money.

"Must finish now

as I have to catch the post.

"Lots of love, P.

Kiss, kiss, kiss."

# Socrates himself

ls particularly missed

Mr Chapman.

Two minutes till act two, Mr Chapman.

Full of gin and the feeling

of superiority over mortals

which commonly afflicts the adulated,

I'd reached my zenith in a naughty

and to this day illegal act

upon the floor

of an empty dressing room.

# Sit on my face

And tell me that you love me

# I'll sit on your face

And tell you I love you

# I love to hear you oralise

# When I'm between your thighs

You blow me away

# Sit on my face

And let my lips embrace you

# I'll sit on your face

And then I'll love you truly

# Life can be fine

If we both 69

# If we sit on our faces

In all sorts of places

# And play till we're blown away

What kind of a fellow

is Monty Python, by the way?

He's black.

Black and he's homosexual.

That's all you can say about him, really.

He's a pretty easy person to sum up.

Good grief.

There's no one to go to bed with.

Where are all the young men around

here? This is absolutely dreadful.

Ta-da!

Oh, all right.

Sit on my face

And tell me that you love me

Could you try

and keep the noise down!

Knock it off!

Be quiet!

# Sit on my face, mama

# Sit on my face

Baby, baby

# Sit on my face

# In all sorts of places

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

What's it like being a film star?

I'm not. I'm just an extra.

- You're just an extra?

- Yes.

It's the crown and this that probably...

Yeah, I was looking for Graham Fink.

Ah, yes. He's around somewhere.

Sit on my face

Come on, baby

# Let my lips embrace

# Tell me that you love me

# Sit on my face

And tell me that you love me

# I'll sit on your face

And tell you I love you too

# I love to hear you oralise

# When I'm between your thighs

You blow me away

# Sit on my face

and let my lips embrace you

# I'll sit on your face

And then I'll love you truly

# Life can be fine

If we both 69

# If we sit on our faces

In all sorts of places

# And play till we're blown away #

Good afternoon.

Beverly Hills Hotel reception.

Ugh! Los Angeles.

Up, down.

Up, down.

Up, down.

Up, down.

Up, down.

- Hi!

- Hi.

Ain't you that guy?

I'm so thrilled to meet you!

I love your Monty Python.

- Shall we go up to my room?

- Sure!

Ah. There.

You enjoying that?

Ooh, yeah. Do you feel that?

I feel that.

Just get right in there.

Bye, Graham.

Oh, and do say hello to Monty

for me.

Tell him I'm his biggest fan!

That was fun. Zoom.

Um, excuse me.

ls there a telephone around here

I can use?

Sure.

Use the one in my room.

But it's my mother

who needs to use the phone.

Well, bring her up too.

I don't mind if it's a local call.

Ooh, aah.

Do that to me. Ooh.

If it's an order, old guillemot.

Ooh, big boy. Mm.

Aah! Touch me here.

Oh, my God.

Do it to me there!

- Right-0. Here it comes.

- Ooh! Right there.

Oh, my God. Yes!

Oh, do that to me! Ooh!

Big boy! Oh, my God!

Oh, yeah.

Yes! Oh, my God!

You, in fact, were more than...

...drunk on one occasion.

You were in fact an alcoholic.

Yes, I did a lot of drinking.

- A great deal indeed, Michael.

- You were an alcoholic?

You can safely say

I did do a very great deal.

And how much at your peak,

so to speak, were you drinking?

Four pints of gin a day.

Four pints of gin a day?

I didn't know Graham was an alcoholic.

Did you?

Why was that, do you think?

I think... I don't know, really,

the answer to that.

Deep inside I think actually

that I was insecure.

I didn't really feel that I'd deserved

the success that I'd achieved.

How difficult was it?

Actually, once the decision had been

made, once I decided to stop,

it was easy, except for the three days

of unpleasantness.

Oh, get on with it.

Graham? Are you all right?

You look a bit pale.

Would you like a cup of tea

and maybe a bit of toast?

- With a nice poached egg on top?

- No. I'm... I'll...

J-just a...m-moment.

Later. I'll get up, be fine.

- Uh, Vichy water?

- N... Yes, yes.

- Da-David, the curtains.

- Sony.

Silent night

# Holy night

# All is calm

There.

# All is bright

Introducing, ladies and gentlemen,

tonight,

all the way from a mud-wrestling tour

of the OPEC countries,

in the red corner,

Colin "Bomber" Harris!

And, ladies and gentlemen, in the blue

corner, Colin "Bomber" Harris!

Well now, ladies and gentlemen,

this is the first time

that Colin "Bomber" Harris

has met himself.

A few formalities

and we'll be ready for round one.

There goes the bell.

He just made it to the rope!

Colin moves to the middle of the ring.

He's looking for an opening.

Going for the hand hold.

He's got it.

Into the head squeeze.

A favourite move of Colin's.

Fine there.

Double overhead nostril.

Should be able to twist out of this.

And he does!

A lovely move there!

Colin must be pleased with himself,

having pulled himself out of that one.

The strawberry whip!

A vanilla whip!

Chocolate whip!

There it is.

Colin's most famous whip.

And there it is.

He just got a little lucky, though.

A double Eydie Gorm.

There it is.

Colin's most famous hold!

The one-leg-over-shoulder Jerry Ford!

And he's caught himself there

and Colin's in real trouble!

And Colin did not like that

one lile bit!

Double overhead back-kick and Colin

must be pretty pleased with himself.

A lovely move there!

He's caught himself by surprise!

And into the crayfish.

No, it's a crawfish.

And Colin bit himself on purpose there

and has been given a public warning

by the referee.

Look, you stupid bastard,

you've got no arms left.

He's looking pretty ruggy.

And that is it!

Colin "Bomber" Harris

has knocked himself out

and so he is the winner

and he goes on next week

to meet himself in the final.

- Graham, you're an alcoholic.

- Uh, yes.

- Do you want not to be?

- Yes.

Right. We'll start the treatment.

Your liver function tests are appalling.

Ten times over the acceptable norm

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