A Merry Friggin' Christmas

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1

Santa?

Holy crap, Boyd. What the hell

you doing back there, buddy?

Waiting on Santa Claus?

Aren't you getting a little

old for Santa Claus?

I'm five.

It's all a sham, Boyd.

The whole Goddamn deal.

I'm the only Santa

you're ever gonna know.

If you know the truth,

it's easy to get through it all.

In fact, let's see

what he brought you.

Meet my father, Mitch Mitchler.

All we need is a couple

of Chinese workers.

He was a little bit complicated.

Maybe I was destined to become

an overcompensator as a dad,

Christmas being the most

obvious manifestation of that.

Alright, here we go.

Okay, lean in, everyone.

I'm also a realist. I can't

control everything...

- the weather, for instance.

- Look Dad, it's snowing!

- Well, Bug, that's actually fake snow.

- Because of global warming.

The warmest winter on record in the

Midwest assured a non-white Christmas.

The bigger issue by far,

was the Santa conundrum.

Vera was very much on

the fence, Santa-wise.

But Douglas still believed.

Dad, why are there two Santas?

But for how much longer?

That guy's not Santa, Bug.

He probably smells like pee

and burnt hair because

he's a welfare person.

- Vera!

- Santa's not real anyway.

Santa's not real, Dad?

Of course Santa's real.

No one's not real.

Everyone's real, including Santa.

Vera, a word please.

Whatever you think you know,

Vera, you don't.

Most kids in my class don't

believe in Santa anymore.

But Madison and me...

I mean Madison and I,

we kinda still did,

except that Madison's sister,

the one who did the BJ to this kid...

Vera, you don't actually

know what the B...

- what that expression means, do you?

- It stands for butt jam,

and I think it has to do with jamming

stuff up your butt for money,

but anyway, Madison's sister,

she showed us this website, nosanta.org.

Well, Madison's sister is a

deceitful little strumpet.

What Dad means is that it's okay for you

to decide about Santa, but Douglas...

He absolutely believes.

And we won't want to do anything

to spoil Christmas for him, right?

Oh, right, I won't spoil

it for Bug, Dad. Sorry.

Thank you.

You are a very kind and

generous young man.

And you are going to have a very

merry and special Christmas.

Oh ho ho ho!

Hey, you wanna...

I wasn't gonna ask if you wanna

smoke meth or kill a drifter.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

I just... I'm exhausted.

I'm with you. I just

thought I should ask.

One day we're gonna have to, right?

Or, we could just enjoy the

slow descent into celibacy.

How many years do

you think Bug has left

where he walks into the living

room Christmas morning,

he sees the tree,

and presents, his stomach just drops,

because holy crap, Santa came?

Can you imagine still having

that kind of belief in magic?

Yeah, it's really cool.

Do you think you're overcompensating

- on the Christmas thing, just a tad?

- Overcompens... on the Christmas thing?

No! I don't think that at all.

He's six years old.

- Okay, this is your brother, again.

- Pass.

You can't keep pretending

your family doesn't exist.

I'm pretty sure I can.

Come on babe, take the call,

before it wakes the kids up.

Hi, Nelson.

- Whoa, that is spooky.

- How'd you know it was me?

We have caller ID,

so your number comes up.

Just right there on the phone?

Boy, that is something.

I gotta look into that.

- You know, that's a miracle of science.

- Yeah, you bet.

Hold on one sec, Boyd.

Sorry to call you so late by the way.

Is it night time where you are, too?

No, it's 10 here too,

because Chicago and Wisconsin-

What is in the same time zone!

Yeah, we're in the same time zone.

I don't know if you caught that,

I said it like Jeopardy.

So what do you need?

Oh, oh, right. So anyway,

I'm calling to tell you:

I scored myself a kid, a little boy.

- I'm a dad.

- Really?

- He seems to have procreated.

- Eeww.

I was calling to say,

- I want you to be the godfather.

- Really? We would be honoured.

That is just the best, Boyd.

Jeez, that is so...

I know it's short notice but

the baptism's on the 24th.

Oh, absolutely. We wouldn't

miss it for the world.

- Sweet.

- January or February?

No Boyd, December. December 24th.

Oh, you can't wait for it.

December? What?

Nelson, you can't have a

baptism on Christmas Eve.

It doesn't...

Wait that would mean

that I'd have to spend

Christmas with Dad.

I'll smoke in my Goddamn

house if I want to.

It's my house. Name's right

there on the mortgage.

Right there on the mailbox.

His name on the mortgage, Donna?

His name on the friggin' mailbox?

No sir, it is not, didn't think so.

Ipso facto ergo,

not his Goddamn house.

Jeezo! Man you exhaust me, Mitch.

You know it is a dream come true for me

to have my family home on Christmas.

There's no way they were

gonna get a motel room now

at this late date,

and with Boyd's asthma...

Asthma? Any other restrictions

Captain Wheezy wants to put on me?

Well, there is one more thing.

I was planning on doing venison

for Christmas Eve supper,

but apparently, Boyd's

family doesn't eat red meat

- and I was...

- Christ's sake!

Is that all of Douglas' stuff?

- Si. What about Vera's?

- I hid it in the car this morning.

- Oh, you're aces!

- Tu tambien!

- So, you ready to see your dad?

- Yeah, can't wait.

- I'm actually looking forward to it.

- Really?

No, I'd rather be sodomized

by an angry clown!

I just want the kids to

have a good Christmas.

Me, too.

- Dad?

- Hey, hi, what are you doing?

Hi, Dougie doodle.

Who's gonna feed Dale

while we're gone?

- Oh, that would be...

- Farhad.

- Who's Farhad?

- Mom's ESL student.

- What's ESL?

- Remember, English as a second language?

- Why don't you tell him, Dad?

- I'll race you upstairs.

Jingle bells, jingle bells,

jingle all the way.

Oh, what fun it is to ride

in a one-horse open sleigh.

Dashing through the snow.

In a one-horse open sleigh.

O'er the fields we go.

Laughing all the way.

Bells on Bobtail ring.

Making spirits bright.

- Son of a b*tch.

- Mom, Dad said "b*tch."

B*tch isn't a bad word, Bug.

Neither is bastard or ass.

Hey, you guys, come on.

Hey, we're twins!

Ha ha ha, merry Christmas!

Licence and proof of

insurance, please.

Awesome.

So, I did clock you doing

67 in a 45, Mr. Mitchler.

Yeah, the bum deal about that is,

it's a 450-dollar infraction,

but there is some good news. You can pay

online now, in the state of Wisconsin.

Yeah, it's a real sweet website,

takes Discover,

so you get the cash back which,

you know, helps out.

Alright, kids,

hope Santa treats you good!

Take care! Merry Christmas!

- Merry Christmas.

- You bet.

- Oh, where the heck can they be?

- Oh, don't get your knickers in a knot.

- You having a good time, Dad?

- Oh yeah, I'm delirious.

I want some milk.

You have to wait 'til supper

like the rest of us, Cale.

- Where is the sex offender?

- He's not a sex offender!

What should I call

him then, Willy Wanker?

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