A Merry Friggin' Christmas Page #3

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- Oh that's super, honey.

- Good job.

- Where's Douglas' stuff?

- Oh gosh, buried in there somewhere.

- Everything's out of the car?

- I got the last of it out of there.

Well, none of it's here.

None of Douglas' presents are here.

No, that's impossible. You put

them in the car this morning.

- I didn't, you did.

- No, you gave me the thumbs up!

- Meaning you do it, and you nodded!

- Wait, what are you two saying?

- Boyd...

- Not Boyd, Luann!

Boyd and I left all of

Douglas' stuff in Chicago.

- Oh, jeez.

- It's gonna be fine!

We'll think of something! Right?

Oh I have an idea.

What's it called, Toys "R"...

Us.

Babe, the mall closes at six, all right?

Just sit there and look pretty.

Okay, listen, Randy Sickle over there

in Commercial, they're open 24 hours,

we'll go over there, pick him up maybe

one of those singing bass plaques

and a mesh hat.

Hey, come on, he's seven.

Throw in a pack of grape hike shoes

boom, it's done. What do you say?

The kid's never gonna know

the difference. "Christmas, hey!"

That's exactly what you would do!

Nice parenting, really nice!

Last time I checked, it ain't exactly great

parenting ruining your kid's Christmas,

- Prime Time!

- I should knock you on your ass.

Oh really? Bring it Sally!

I'd love to see you try! Come on!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Now if we're gonna do this,

we're gonna need some ground rules.

I'm going. I'm driving back.

It's not even 11.

That gives me eight hours

until he's up. I'm going.

- Boyd, don't go!

- You can't do it, it's too far!

He's not going anywhere,

Donna, he's all show and no go.

Boyd. Boyd, stop.

You've had four hours of sleep.

You're gonna kill yourself!

Any day now, Douglas is gonna wake up and

realize the world is a mean, nasty place

where your hopes and dreams

eventually get smashed to bits.

- Until then, he needs this.

- I'm sorry, who needs this?

If I can just make him believe

for one more Christmas.

Having Christmas is

not about stuff, Boyd.

Look, just wait. Okay, go tomorrow,

when you've had some sleep.

We'll say that we delayed Christmas

a day. We'll make it fun.

I understand.

Mitch ruined Christmas for you,

but you have proven a million

times over, you're not him.

You're such a great dad.

This is just crazy!

Hey, hey. Look, you're running

away from your father again!

You can't keep doing this!

Boyd, wait, I'm coming with you!

Let me just put up some coffee!

It's about an eight-hour round trip,

which gets me back here

at what, sevenish,

so just make sure the kids

stay downstairs until 7:30.

- This is doable, but I gotta go now.

- Be careful, honey!

Merry Christmas.

I made this ornament

when I was a kid once,

out of a pine cone.

It had the googly eyes on it

and the white cotton deals,

- you know what I'm talking about?

- Shut the hell up, you degenerate.

- Pervert.

- He's not a pervert!

A guy who exposes himself to a busload

of old folks on their way to Oneida bingo,

what the hell should I call him if not

pervert? Friggin' pillar of the community?

I have explained this situation

to you a hundred times.

- In Dave's defence, he was drunk!

- Very!

And in his second defence, someone

double-dog dared him to do it, so that...

Okay. Who wants to

look at some slides?

Or, I know, how about

a game of cribbage?

Oh, I've got that.

- Hello?

- Is it him? Is he okay? What happened?

He's fine, but... Aw crud.

Dammit.

Looky here. BMW. Short for

Bavarian Money Waster.

Looks like the sheisse

hit the fan here.

- I'm gonna hitchhike.

- Really?

Christmas Eve, no one's gonna

pick you up. Come on, let's go.

I'm not giving up. You go ahead

and go home. I don't need you.

Yeah, but Douglas does.

So come on. Get in the truck, Gladys.

We got Christmas to save.

Silent night.

Holy night.

All is calm.

All is bright.

Round yon virgin.

Mother and child.

Holy infant.

So tender and mild.

Sleep in heavenly peace.

- It don't add up, boy.

- You got a guy tootin' around

the whole Goddamn

planet in one night.

That sleigh'd have to be going 25,

30,000 miles per hour, minimum.

Now, if we had that

type of technology, sh*t,

we'd be blowing the tits

off the friggin' Viet Kong.

It's all a sham. Eastern bunny, Sham.

Valentine's Day, Sham.

Tooth fairy? What the heck's

up with that son of a B?

You know what he is, right?

- Sham.

- Damn right.

What kind of creep goes

sneaking into a kid's room

and putting chump

change under a pillow?

What the hell's he need all

those teeth for? Pervert.

The whole world is

full of lies, Boyd.

The only road to happiness is realizing

there's no road to happiness.

Alright, I'm going to bed.

You finish it up on your own.

Oh yeah, eat me! Prick.

First off...

And second, I have asthma,

Dad, asthma.

And it is not all in my head, as you have

so astutely hypothesized in the past.

It is an actual medical condition

that could actually kill me.

So please, put out the damn cigar.

What the hell's that all about?

You on the friggin' rag? Come on.

Come on, lighten up, Boyd.

We got all night ahead of us.

Let's have a little fun here.

- I bet they're having a ball.

- Yeah, yippee!

It does make me feel better

that Mitch went with him.

Them two hate each

other's guts, I thought.

Okay, cut it out, you guys,

we're a family. And it's Christmas, jeez.

You know, Mom, I, don't want to make you

feel bad with what I'm about to say,

being that it's Christmas and

all but, a lot of this is your fault.

Dave and I's marriage counsellor says

that a lot of my self-esteem problems

come from the fact that you never

confronted Dad about his drinking.

So it's why I seek approval from

people who treat me like wet dog crap.

Who needs anything? We've got

leftovers, we've got hot dish. Beer?

Reeb me! That's beer

spelled backwards, honey.

Vera.

Yeah, Bug?

Was Rance about to say that

there's no such thing as Santa?

Rance is a certified moron, Douglas.

So whatever he was about to say

would have been certified moronic.

Of course there's a Santa.

- Promise?

- I promise.

When you see your presents

under the tree in the morning,

you'll believe again, you will.

Now lie down.

Okay.

Wow, 53 degrees.

So much for a white Christmas.

Who needs one? Yesterday I was golfing. You

would have caught me in my shirtsleeves.

Kicked Bill Gorsky's ass,

the fat pollack.

I said "if this is global

warming, I'll take it."

- Pollack. Nice, Dad.

- Technically he's a bohunk.

I got more if you need 'em.

- Hi, where's the...

- Just past the cheese.

I can guess your nationality

without even seeing you. European.

You get it? You're a-peein'.

- Ha, yeah, got it.

- Ho ho ho.

Hey, you got any bourbon? Just a...

- I wish I did, sorry.

- That's okay, that's okay.

So, you having yourself

a merry little Christmas?

I wouldn't say that exactly.

Well, nobody said it was

easy now, did they?

I mean, take my

journey here tonight.

I mean, logic-wise, that whole deal

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