A Merry Friggin' Christmas Page #4

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doesn't really add up, does it?

I mean my sleigh'd have to be doing what,

25, 30,000 miles an hour? Minimum?

But I always make it.

Somehow I always do, you know.

I mean, it's not always easy,

like I say, but miracles never are.

They're tricky little

things, miracles.

Sometimes they look at

you right in the face.

They're right in front of you,

staring at you in the mirror,

and you didn't even

see them. It's crazy.

- Have a merry Christmas, Santa.

- I always do, buddy.

I always do.

- Have fun in there.

- I'll name it after you.

Hi, can I get a couple of coffees?

That's your old man?

Virgil Mitch. Ole Mitch?

- Yeah, I'm Boyd.

- You're Boyd!

Yeah, you're the smart one.

You got a full ride at the UW.

And now you're a stockbroker,

is it? Down in Chi-town?

- I manage a hedge fund.

- Oh yeah, that's right.

But your dad tells me you

make a truckload of money.

I don't know about that.

I work too much.

Well, anyhow, nice to have

a face with the name.

Your pop, that crazy old son of a...

he's in here pretty near once a week,

and I get an earful

about your family.

No! Mitch talks a blue streak

about how good you're doing.

Must be nice for y'all to have

Christmas together, ain't it?

It is.

- What do I owe you?

- No, come on.

Merry Christmas now, Boyd.

Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas!

- Merry Christmas!

You know how to drive

a manual, tranny?

You don't remember the day you

taught me how to drive a stick?

Should I?

October 26, 1983, you may recall,

was my 12th birthday.

You may also recall that you were too

hammered to drive home from my party,

so I drove home.

Is that right?

Well, I must have been doing something

right, 'cause you still remember how.

Yes, it is one of life's

greatest indignities

that you never won the

Father of the Year award.

- Hey, careful!

- Can't you take a joke, Sally?

- Now you're pissing me off.

- Oh, am I pissing you...

Maybe you need to piss on the radiator.

Whoa, what was that?

Tit.

- Want me to go peek in on BJ?

- No, I'll do it, Shauna.

Wait a second, where's Nelson?

Last time I saw him he was going ape-crap

because Mitch and Boyd were scrapping.

- Well, that was two hours ago.

- Oh, shoot, Nelson!

Nelson!

Nelson.

Nelson, baby, come on.

Nelson.

Nelson.

Where are you?

He's not where he usually goes.

Whenever he gets panicked he just

falls asleep in the craziest places.

I found him all balled up in the

middle of the road a coup...

Oh my God.

Nelson! Where are you, baby? Wake up!

- Nelson!

- Nelson!

Nelson! Where are you,

Nelson? Wake up!

Donna, be careful!

Nelson! Nelson!

Oh... oh, dear Lord Jesus.

Jingle all the way.

- No, you can't sing low.

- I know, high.

Way.

Oh no, stop, stop, stop!

Oh what fun it is to ride.

- Dude, you just hit something.

- ...open sleigh.

Good night.

Put your hands down

and let's do this.

Ahem, I love you ve...

I love you very much.

- Let's go, come on.

- See?

- Mom, has Santa come yet?

- No honey, not yet, it's still early.

Santa's got a long

night ahead of him.

- Can Dad tuck me in?

- Who? Dad?

No, because, Dad and Puba...

are getting massages.

- Oh, okay. Good night, Mom.

- Okay, good night.

So who else isn't tired?

Oh, I forgot to ask you. Did Santa

Claus accost you in the bathroom?

Excuse me?

You know, the grubby old guy in the

Santa suit in the truck stop bathroom.

I didn't see anybody in the bathroom.

Santa's coming home soon.

Gonna bring you lots of gifts.

Oh, son of a b*tch! Oh!

I forgot to tell you, the speedometer's

off by about 10 miles an hour.

Oh it's good to know that.

Well, I'll be!

Merry Christmas, Mr. Mitchler! Again.

What brings you gents out so late?

Well, numbnuts here forgot

his kid's presents in Chi-town.

Numbnuts, that's funny. Haven't

heard that one in quite some time!

My foster mom, she...

Oh, I see you guys are in

the portable john business?

Indeed we are, sir. Mitch Mitchler, North

Central Wisconsin king of the crappers.

For 25 years, Mitchler's Handi-crappers

have been supplying luxury johns

for all your business needs. I always

say, if you gotta go, go in style!

I like that a lot. Riddle me this,

do you guys do family reunions?

My cousin actu...

We're actually in a really

big hurry, Trooper Zblocki, so.

I could tell, Mr. Mitchler.

Caught old numbnuts here doing 91.

I'll be back with

your citation, STAT.

Numbnuts.

Funny little elf.

It's a good one.

Well, Mr. Mitchler,

I caught you doing 91, yikes!

It's like, "Arriba,

arriba, andele, andele!"

Bart Simpson.

But, it's Christmas,

so you know what?

- I got candy canes for you three guys.

- Three?

Nelson?

Jeez, I must've fell asleep in here.

Who's that guy?

A child is the most important

thing a mother has, Nelson.

Jeez, I'm sorry I had

you worried, Mom.

If anything had happened to you...

Aw, jeez.

Mom, could you put little BJ on

the phone? I want to tell him I'm okay.

He's sleeping in his crib, hon.

Plus he's not even a year.

Well, maybe just go in there

and tell him I love him?

And, could you sing him that

pretty little song he likes?

Hot tortillas, crisp tostadas.

Best in Me-hi-co.

Enchiladas, empanadas.

How I love them so.

It is a miracle that

you got pulled over,

because I could have froze

to death in there, or worse.

Not cold enough to freeze to death.

Okay, real quick,

what could possibly be worse

than freezing to death in a

portable toilet, Nelson?

HIV, AIDS, Lou Gehrig disease,

cancer, spina bifida...

Okay, all good ones.

I could think of one worse. A guy getting

his gonads lobbed off by his wife

because he forgot his

kid's Christmas presents.

Get 'im!

I'm not supposed to play video games, but

you're really awesome at them, Rance.

Yeah, I know.

We should totally put your

picture on Craigslist, Vera.

Your judgment is really

questionable, Pam.

- You gonna stay up with us, Dave?

- Oh no, I... I get hungry at night

so I like to make myself a meal so I

have something to eat between sleep

- and breakfast. I call it breep.

- Okay.

It's an anagram I came up with,

much like brunch or NASA.

It's a way for me to

remember what I like.

Hon, let's go hit the sack.

- Good night.

- Night.

Oh, Daver.

You are too good for me.

You know, maybe I will try one of

those beer-tomato-juice thingies.

Well now you're talking.

One red beer coming right up.

Holy cripes, it's a castle.

You really are doing alright, Boyd.

- You've never seen this house before?

- No, your mom has.

Last time I was here, you had

that apartment by the lake.

It's going on seven years.

What's this you got on the

walls here? Is that brick?

Yeah, it's... it's a brick house.

- Boy, that is something.

- Yeah.

Son of a b*tch!

I left my damn keys in my damn car!

Hey Hamburglar, will this help?

The presents are in

the mudroom, so...

Hey Boyd, I gotta take a squirt.

You guys have a bathroom, or...

Yeah, it's upstairs.

- Make yourself at home, Dad.

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