A Merry Friggin' Christmas Page #5

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- Yeah.

Dad?

Nelson?

What's going on?

What are you doing in my house?

I am Farhad.

Who are these people?

Ms. Mitchler is say,

my family to sit in the house,

to feed dog...

there, the dog.

To sit in the house.

House-sitting is different

than sitting in my house!

It's Boyd. Hi, is everything okay?

Fine, okay. Farhad is here.

Yeah, I gave him the key so he

could feed Dale. You knew that.

No, but his whole family is here.

It's like Goldilocks and the 30 Iranians.

Boyd, they're from Afghanistan.

I don't care where they're from,

I care why they're here, in my house!

Maybe there was confusion over

the translation of house-sit.

You know, they're an amazing family.

They've only been in the

country two months,

so, whatever, let them

have a nice Christmas.

You're not saving the world!

What do you think, you're...

you think you're Bono?

I have a law degree! I'm a teacher!

You're supposed to be

teaching refugees English,

and based upon my conversation with this

guy, it's not exactly working out, is it?

If anyone's to blame, it's you!

- You for being an ass sponge!

- I'm the ass sponge?

- Yes, you are the ass sponge, ass sponge.

- I'm not having this conversation.

- I am not having this conversation.

- Fine.

Oh my God! He acts like the sweetest,

nothing-bothers-me guy,

but the slightest little pressure

- turns him into a total...

- Ass sponge?

He sounds just like his father.

You know, in case those guys don't

make it back in time somehow,

maybe we oughta have

something else for Douglas.

Like what?

Maybe we oughta go up to the attic and

wrap some old toys and that, just in case.

Yeah, okay fine.

Donna, do you have something else

that maybe doesn't taste like... this?

Vodka?

Hey Doug-lass, you wanna

do something really cool?

Yes!

Sweet.

You know, I wasn't a competitive

eater 'til I was like, nine.

If I would have started at seven, who knows

how much more friggin' awesome I'd be?

Let's see how fast you can

take these bad boys down.

- A whole jar of pickles?

- Do it.

Please don't, Douglas, it's stupid.

You'll be sick for Santa!

You want to be cool or retarded?

Man or mouse, Douglas?

Yes! Oh my God! Look at him go!

Chug, chug, chug,

chug, chug, chug, chug!

Douglas, stop! These pickles were

canned during the Nixon Administration!

You're gonna die!

I can't feel my legs.

What the hell?

He erased me.

Ain't that a kick in the pants?

Presents. Gifts. Ho ho ho?

Gift? Gift, yes, yes.

Thank you.

No, Farhad. Those are Douglas' gifts!

My son! Douglas.

No Farhad son! No! My son's gifts!

Girls, those are my power tools!

That's Boyd's power drill

and that is very...

Jesus!

Hey, Boyd. These your roommates?

Hey Boyd, you got a nail

sticking out of your hand there.

Oh, we've been learning Nari,

which is kind of like Farsi,

over at basic because my reserve unit was

going to be going over by Afghanistan...

Oh!

And I fell off of that Humvee, and I

got just a touch of brain damage.

But the part that remembers

Nari is just fine.

So, can you tell him that

his family can stay?

- I just need Douglas' gifts.

- Well, I can sure as shoot try.

Let's see...

Please, no, no. No, no, no, please!

Hey, hey. Hey, hey, it's okay.

You can keep everything.

The only thing I want

is that.

Hey, it's, 3:
45, so we

have less than four hours

if we're gonna get back before the

kids get up. So I need you to motivate.

You don't need me, you never did.

It's all gonna be okay, Bug.

Boing!

It's okay, Bug.

Boing, hello Rance!

They told me there'd

always be people like you.

I don't know, I've never seen

anybody this way from pickles!

Rotten food can cause hallucination,

Rance. Everybody knows that, you dummy.

It's gonna be okay,

Bug, just lie down.

Cheese.

How about this for Douglas?

Bridge, like the card game? For kids?

I don't know, it seems

like a horrible idea.

Boyd loved bridge for juniors,

it was his favourite game!

He did? Okay, bag it

and tag it, I guess.

That was Mitch's drink of choice.

Vodka and cranberry juice.

- It must have been so hard.

- I don't know.

I left a couple times when it got

too hard. Took the kids to my folks,

then when his bender was

finished, he'd call bellyaching,

"Come back, come back.

I'll change, I'll change,"

blah, blah, you know.

He was always...

a very attentive lover, though.

If you know what I mean?

I do. Yes, wow.

Boyd and I haven't had

sex for six months.

Oh, wow.

That is bad for you.

It's so bad. It's just, you know,

he works all the time,

and... or we're tired,

or the kids are around

and you know, it just...

But then he has this whole thing about

how everything has to be so perfect,

and it can't be. It's not.

It's not perfect.

- Do you want me to talk to him for you?

- No, that's okay, thank you.

That would feel a

little inappropriate.

Yep.

What?

Two days later, Papa passed away.

And I became a man that day.

So I told Mama I'm gonna quit school

I packed my grandmother's trunk,

- and in it I put an apple.

- Nice.

God, we used to play that when we'd drive

to Nana's cottage up north, you remember?

Okay, I packed my grandmother's trunk

and in it I put an apple and a bagpipe.

Nice one. Okay Dad, you're up.

Dad, it's your turn.

Come on Dad, it's been a crap day.

Everything that possibly

could go wrong already has.

What, you on the rag, Sally?

I packed my grandma's trunk,

and in it I put an apple, bagpipe,

and a kid who's so ashamed of his old

man, he cut him out of a family photo.

Okay, so you're spelling kid

with a C then. Fair enough.

I don't know what to say, Dad.

Fine, as long as we're being

honest with each other,

yes, I was embarrassed

of you in that photograph.

You were wearing that filthy

Handi-crapper T-shirt

for a family portrait.

I mean come on!

What, you're suddenly sensitive?

Besides, it's not like you

were ever proud of me.

I always supported you, whatever

it was you wanted to do, always!

Are you high?

What is that?

Oh my gosh! Hoho!

Is that...

- Bea Arthur? It sure is.

- Why?

Boyd went through a phase where

he really got into Bea Arthur.

Like is... like sexually? Or...

No! It started with Golden Girls.

Wait, he liked bridge and Golden Girls?

What did you raise, a 75-year-old woman?

Look, there's a whole series.

You know how what's-his-futz

just painted blue stuff?

Well, Boyd only painted Bea Arthur.

This is so silly.

My Boyd who played

football and basketball,

who's a type-A hedge

fund manager? No, no!

He was real arty-farty

when he was a little shaver.

Well Mitch must have loved that.

Mitch, he used to tease Boyd all

the time. I felt terrible about it.

He drilled legs into the frame of this

one. He turned it into a card table.

He used to play euchre on

it with his drinking buddies.

Look, there's the rings from the

glasses on the canvas, there.

And I think Bill Gorsky

puked on it here.

That is so mean. Isn't that so mean?

Lookit, that is so mean! He was just

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