A Merry Friggin' Christmas Page #6

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a little artist, creating his art,

and that's... I mean, it just makes

me very sad, isn't that so sad?

Boyd never really painted

much after that.

Mitch is a bastard! And I have been

trying to get those guys to reconcile,

but do you understand how much Boyd

hates his job? He hates it so much,

and all he wanted to do was be a sweet

little Bea Arthur painter! Or something.

I just feel like I could puke.

It blows my mind. You have the

capacity to feel sorry for yourself!

- Oh, what a jackass.

- If I loused up so bad,

how come you have such a nice life?

Nice house, nice wife, nice job.

I hate my job! And I haven't had

sex with my wife in six months!

Can you blame that on me?

Jiminy crickets!

Jeez, come on, guys!

I'm sorry I didn't snuggle or cuddle

you enough! I'm sorry I'm not perfect!

Perfect? My entire

approach to parenting

is based on what I call

the WWMD principle.

What Would Mitch Do?

I ask myself that question,

and then I do the exact opposite.

Come on Boyd, you know I

get jittery 'cause of the war!

- You didn't go to war!

- He's still a hero! He's still a hero!

Son of a b*tch! No, no, no, no, no!

No, Boyd, slow down!

What are you doing?

Not sure if you can see me

back here, Mr. Mitchler...

See that? See it!

Come on, Boyd,

you're gonna get us killed!

Pull over, Boyd!

My whole life I've never been your

kind of man, a man's man, a real man.

Well, let's see who the

real man is now! Hold on!

Shut up, Sally.

You sound like a little b*tch.

Yeah, suck on that, Zblocki!

Suck on that! Eat it, b*tch!

Yes, yes!

Yeah, go ahead.

Yeah. I'm out at...

Mr. Mitchler, he...

everything okay?

Eff this.

Just wanted to wish you

a merry Christmas, Don!

I'm calling her a night.

Gonna head home to the fam.

Roger that.

Oh God, that felt good!

You're not this guy, Boyd. You're not some

idiot who'd run away from a cop like that.

Hell, that's the kind of

a**hole stunt that I'd pull.

You got the a**hole part right.

I suppose maybe you're

right about that.

This has been a weird night.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to both of you.

Mainly you, Boyd. I'm sorry.

Suppose I might have said it sooner

if I hadn't been so hammered

for most of the last 30 years but

you know? There it is, I said it.

You're a good man

and,

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, oh!

- What the hell was that?!

- Did we hit somebody?

I'm telling you, Boyd,

that was a person!

Nelson, it wasn't a person.

It can't have been a person.

What would a person be doing

in the middle of the road...

- Maybe it was a deer.

- Yeah, it was a deer!

- It wasn't a deer.

- Yes, of course it was a d...

Oh, no.

Oh, God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

What are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do?

- Okay, Boyd, just calm down.

- Calm?! Calm?

I just killed a man!

This is not the time to be calm!

We just gotta...

we just gotta call the cops.

No, we're not gonna call the cops!

I just outran the cops!

- The last thing we need are the cops!

- Boyd's right, no cops.

- My life is over!

- No it isn't!

I'm gonna go to prison.

I'm going to prison.

Boyd, just glass-half-full

it for a sec here, okay?

- Prison these days is not half bad.

- I'll take the heat!

I mean, come on now,

it's the least I can do,

you know, being shitfaced and emotionally

abusive most of your childhood.

No, Dad, no. No, no, no, no, no, no!

Boyd, Boyd, Boyd!

- There's other ways out of this.

- How?

This guy...

We're not exactly talking doctor,

lawyer, Indian chief here, right?

He's off the grid.

So if he, disappeared.

I got this friend, Mike Marcort.

You know, we play cribbage,

and he owes me and...

he's got a warehouse down

by Campbell Sport full of HCl.

- HC what, Dad?

- Hydrochloric acid. And so?

Well, you know, I'm saying... not that

he doesn't have value in God's eyes;

I'm just saying that we soak this guy

in a vat of HCl for a couple of hours?

This son of a b*tch

will just fizzle away.

Wait a minute.

We're not really thinking about this?

He's right, Dad. Nelson's right.

We don't have time to

go to Campbell Sport.

You're right, it's too far.

What was I thinking?

Dad, do you have a shovel?

Does Flipper pee in

the sea? I got that!

- No, no, guys...

- Well, do you have a better idea?

Do you? Because I'd love to hear it.

No, but have you ever dug a foxhole

before, Boyd? Because I have

- and it takes a super long time!

- Oh, he's right! Nelson's right.

We could... we can burn him.

You know, like a fire.

Burning could work, burning's good!

That's good, Nel...

What's going on, Dad?

If we're gonna burn him, it's a hell

of a lot easier if you parcel him out.

You got any bourbon?

Hey, Doug!

- Dougie doodle.

- Who said that?

- Bingo.

- You can talk?

You're seeing my lips move, ain't ya?

Well then, that would constitute

talking, wouldn't it?

- Is this a dream?

- "Is this a dream?"

Maybe, maybe it's a dream,

or maybe I'm your subconscious,

secretly trying to unearth truth for you

in the form of a waking hallucination.

Listen Doug, let me get to the

gristle of why I woke you up here.

It breaks my heart to tell you this,

but Santa ain't gonna find you,

not here, not anywhere.

- Why not?

- Because he doesn't exist.

Yeah, don't take it so hard, buddy.

As you get older, you'll learn there are

much worse things you could be told

than some fat guy in a

red suit doesn't exist.

Alright then, sleep tight, kid.

And oh Merry Christmas.

Radiator's shot.

- Who ya calling there, Boyd?

- Luann.

Let her know we're not gonna make it.

Not gonna make it?

Hold on a sec, Boyd.

Hey look, I know that we

have been through a lot,

well, me getting stuck in the john and you

getting pegged with a nail gun by some kid,

and running from that cop,

and trying to figure out different ways

to dismember a transient,

but it's Christmas,

and if we quit now, it's like the baby

Jesus died up on that cross for nothing.

I think that's Easter, actually.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right,

you're right. My point is, you know,

I suppose I don't know much

about being a father yet,

since BJ's only been around a couple

of months and he's technically

some Mexican's, on top of that but, you

know, what I seen you do today, Boyd...

go to the ends of the earth

for your son like that...

jeez, that's what being

a father's all about.

And I just don't think you should

quit now. There's still time.

Hey, I'm really sorry we

almost killed you back there.

I don't suppose you have

a vehicle we could borrow?

'Cause we're about 10 miles from where

we're supposed to be here, and...

I don't know how else

to put this, except...

we're hoping for a friggin'

Christmas miracle.

Fall on your knees.

Oh, hear the radiant voices calling.

Oh God, oh God Boom, boom, boom.

Oh, shoot! Luann, are you okay?

I'm okay, I'm okay.

Yeah!

Come on you guys, wake up!

Let's go up and see if Santa came.

They're breathing. Come on!

Come on, whoa, whoa!

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