A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy Page #2

in a horrible way.

I mean that... I don't know what else to do.

Adrian, I'm sorry.

- Come on, I'm sorry.

- It's OK.

Could you get me a headache tablet?

We should ask Maxwell.

He's a friend and a doctor.

God, no! I don't want everybody

to know our personal problems.

What about your cousin?

He's a philosopher.

Do geniuses have problems

with their sex lives?

(Adrian) Oh, please, don't bring it up!

(Andrew) I'm only kidding.

So who's he marrying anyhow?

What does she do?

Is she also a philosopher,

an astronomer or something?

(Adrian) She doesn't do anything.

I think that her family's in politics.

I believe her name is Ariel Weymouth.

(glass shatters)

Did you drop something?

Yeah, I dropped a glass.

I better get the broom and make sure

all the slivers are up off the floor.

(tinkling)

(Mendelssohn's "Symphony No.3

in A Minor")

(car approaches)

(Andrew) Hi! Hey, Maxwell!

Andrew, my goodness!

How are you? Be careful.

This is Dulcy. Andrew.

- Don't kill yourself. We just got here.

- Hello!

He delights in making impractical but...

- Adrian!

- Hello.

- This is Dulcy.

- How do you do?

Charmed, I'm sure.

(crashing)

- He's down.

- Don't worry. I always carry bandages.

You must be tired after your motor trip.

Can I show you to your room... rooms?

- It's up to him.

- We'll just use one room.

- (Andrew) Maxwell!

- Andrew, you OK?

- I've fractured my last remaining nose.

- You shouldn't fly. You're a mammal.

Thank you, Maxwell. A doctor

with a licence is no smarter.

The man always insults me,

but when he's sick...

- Yeah, who overcharges me?

- But you always get well, don't you?

I would get well even without the leeches.

- Say hello to Dulcy.

- Hello, Dulcy.

Charmed, I'm sure.

- Maxwell, I'll help you with that.

- I'll show you to the house.

- Oh, it's a beautiful house.

- Thank you.

It was Andrew's before we were married.

Mm, smell that air.

Oh, a hammock. That's so nostalgic.

I lost it in a hammock.

- Pardon me?

- You really have to have good balance.

Dulcy's cute.

What is she, 12 years old? 13?

She's twice that. She's very experienced.

She couldn't keep her hands off me.

Will you grow up? You're like a character

in Greek mythology who's half-goat.

- You only live once.

- Yeah, I know your theory.

I see what goes on at the hospital.

I've had a hell of a week.

- Really?

- People with tumours and brain damage,

a guy with sudden heart failure... Young

people. We tell 'em they're gonna die.

And they never seized the moment, never

had a life. "Gather ye rosebuds", Andrew.

So you never have any interest

in getting married?

I don't stick around

long enough to fall in love.

Marriage for me is the death of hope.

Plus I can't seem to find that one person.

Oh...

What is it? What's the matter, Andrew?

What's wrong?

Maxwell.

Maxwell, things are very bad

with Adrian and myself.

- No!

- Yeah. We don't sleep together any more.

- That could be just temporary.

- It's been going on for six months.

- I don't know what to do.

- That's a long time.

- Maybe I should take your pulse.

- Oh, Jesus... It's awful.

She was never like that,

and then one day it just set in.

- Do you cheat?

- Of course I don't cheat.

What I do is I pour all my energy

into my inventions.

Because of my problem in bed with her,

I can now fly. It's awful.

Maybe she's anaemic.

Although it sounds like it's mental.

They're doing some amazing things

with hypnosis now in Europe.

Really? Hypnosis?

Hi! Maxwell, come on up!

She's a very pretty little girl, isn't she?

- Who?

- Dulcy, Maxwell's guest.

Why? Who were you thinking of?

Yes, she's adorable, I think. She is.

What was going through

your mind just now?

Just... Nothing. Why?

Last night, when you broke that glass

and I came upstairs to sweep it,

you were just sitting on the edge of

the bathtub, looking off into the distance.

I was exhausted.

Do you know Ariel Weymouth?

How is it possible for me... Of course not.

Don't be silly, Adrian.

She's very freethinking

and forward, isn't she?

- Who, Ariel Weymouth?

- No, Dulcy.

She seems to give off animal vibrations.

Yeah, well, she's a nurse.

Well, not every nurse is sexy.

But they're very knowledgeable

about the body.

They know exactly how all the organs

function, so they're wonderful.

Maybe I should ask for lessons.

I bet she'd be willing to answer

any questions that you might have.

Oh...

I was just joking.

You think I need lessons?

Do you like it?

No, not a bit. My blood pressure

is always 90 over 680.

It drives them wild at Coney Island.

But if we're gonna be in a country stream,

why do I have to wear anything at all?

Well, it might shock Andrew. He's elderly.

Oh.

I brought some contraceptives

with me in case you forgot.

Oh, good. Cos I only brought 300.

(car horn)

(Maxwell sighs)

(car horn)

Leopold, hello.

It's wonderful to see you again.

- Hi, there.

- You must be Ariel.

I'm Adrian. This is my husband Andrew.

- Yes, we've met before.

- Ariel told me about it.

It was such a coincidence when Leopold

said you were his cousin's husband.

I told him we were old friends.

Acquaintances. We're...

I didn't know it was the same... I couldn't

imagine it was the same Ariel Weymouth.

I'll get the luggage, right?

(Leopold) Like each snowflake,

there is only one Ariel Weymouth.

Ha ha!

(stutters breathlessly)

"Only one Ariel..." Did you hear?

Every snowflake...

It's been a long time, Cousin Adrian.

- Hello.

- Hello.

(Adrian) Professor Leopold Sturgis,

Dr Maxwell Jordan.

- Charmed.

- (Adrian) Dulcy Ford, Ariel Weymouth.

Blue Moon Glow.

That's exactly right. I'm amazed.

I didn't think they sold it in this country.

Well, an old love of mine wore it.

A ballerina from Spain.

And the scent you're wearing,

is that Bay Rum?

Yes, exactly right.

Straight from the corner drugstore.

We recognise each other's smells.

In the animal kingdom, we'd be married.

Are you the Dr Jordan who

wrote the book on natural science?

- Yes, it's my hobby.

- I must be honest. I thought it was poor.

It wasn't great. I'm just

an amateur speculator on science.

I liked your book, Professor.

Both of 'em. I liked both of 'em.

The first one was chosen as the best

philosophical treatise of the year.

- Which one?

- Conceptual Pragmatism.

I haven't gotten to that yet.

Exactly what is it?

- The house is exactly as I remember it.

- You've been here before?

- Just once. Years ago.

- What an odd coincidence.

Shall I show you to your room,

or do you know the way?

(laughs) "Do you know the way?"

Did you hear that?

Come, wife.

"Sumer is icumen in,

Lhude sing cuccu!"

"Groweth sed, and bloweth med,

And springth the wude nu."

"Sing cuccu!"

So, you've been here before.

You've met Andrew?

Yes. A long time ago,

before I left for Paris.

We spent a little time together.

Very little.

I've been to Paris twice,

but I was miserable both times.

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