A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy Page #4

- (Andrew) Yeah, spirits.

(Leopold) Shadows,

glowing things, spirits...

What pathetic delusions

we frightened humans cling to.

(Ariel) Leopold has no patience

with the spirit world.

(Maxwell) I believe in the spirit world.

(Andrew) You have to.

That's where all your patients wind up.

(Maxwell) Very funny, Andrew.

Very funny.

You were fishing with Ariel

for such a long time.

I couldn't get the fish to bite, that's all.

- Were you reminiscing?

- I was out with her once years ago!

We had a couple of lobsters,

some beers and that was it.

You still remember exactly what you ate?

Adrian, I'm gonna be glad when

this weekend is over - it's a disaster.

Leopold and Maxwell hate each other and

you I'm gonna have to take to a hypnotist.

- Why?

- So we can start making love again.

- You'll be in a trance, but that's OK.

- That's terrible!

- You haven't read my ideas.

- Your view is educated, but it's narrow.

That's why your book was second-rate.

A yellow-banded butterfly.

I've been looking for one my whole life.

- Don't scare it. Bring the net.

- (Ariel) It went that way.

- (Dulcy) Which way did it go?

- (Maxwell) Everybody quiet and fan out.

(Andrew) What am I supposed to be

looking for? I didn't see any butterfly.

- (Dulcy) There it is!

- (Andrew) What colour is it?

Did you hurt yourself? Did you...

Everybody stand back. Give her air.

- Does that hurt?

- It's probably the metatarsal.

- Relax, it's nothing serious.

- Maxwell, stop fondling her instep.

- The butterfly's gone.

- I'm sorry.

That's what comes from horsing around.

Running around the woods like Indians.

She's gonna be fine.

This man is a major quack.

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, that feels good. Oh, yes.

- Right in there, isn't it?

- Yes.

- Do you two want to be alone?

- Are you well enough to walk?

- I think so.

- Just hold it.

- It's much better.

- You don't want it to come back.

- She said she was fine.

- OK. All better.

It's fine! It's good. I used

to get this at dance class all the time.

You studied dance? So did I,

but my folks insisted on medicine.

I'm tired of standing around amidst

poison ivy, snakes and toadstools.

I just wanted to make sure

she didn't pull a tendon.

Besides, it's not poison ivy

and they're not toadstools.

You are wrong.

Toadstools is exactly what they are.

Yes? Well, these

happen to be mushrooms.

- Those are poisonous fungi.

- I believe you're mistaken.

- Does it matter?

- I don't think you'd be willing to eat one.

- No?

- (Ariel) Don't be ridiculous. Let's go.

Those are toadstools. A doctor who writes

about nature should know the difference.

Yeah, give us all a thrill. Pop one

into your mouth and go into convulsions.

Maxwell!

OK, Leopold. Yeah.

For once in your life, do you stand...

(Maxwell splutters)

Get some coffee or something.

Do we have anything in here? Quickly.

There's some aspirin.

Get some plain white bread.

(Andrew) I don't know

what he was trying to prove.

(Adrian) Leopold, put down

the telescope and come help us.

The summer light is so beautiful

at this hour, isn't it?

I love the long days.

So do I. It makes me think

of when I was a little girl.

Me too. Full of dreams.

Yes. Mostly about falling in love.

Mine too.

Do you think that when

two people are in love

it must always express itself physically?

I don't understand.

Do you mean that, um... a man

could lust passionately for a woman

but still he might not love her?

I don't know. It's very confusing

when you try and think about it, isn't it?

Tell me, I don't mean to be forward,

but was it a difficult decision

to, you know, come from a convent

and everything, and guard your chastity,

to decide to share the bed

with Leopold before the wedding?

N... N... Not too tough.

I wish I'd have been that brave.

It's funny. I always considered

myself a modern woman,

and then I see someone like Nurse Dulcy.

(Adrian) Yeah. I hear she knows how all

the organs function and just what to do.

(Ariel) I think men

appreciate vigorous women.

(Adrian) Yes?

(Ariel) And young ones. This beautiful

summer light doesn't last for ever.

I was watching you. You shoot well.

It's all in the pectoral muscles.

Healthy pectorals. You should try it.

Rather than using

weapons of destruction,

my aggressive impulses are given vent in

the more socially acceptable chessboard.

- I wouldn't mind learning chess.

- I feel it would be tame for you.

I like the way the stallions look.

They're called knights.

That's a knight. Not a stallion.

- They're watching us.

- Who?

- Leopold. He tried to poison me.

- Yeah. Right, sure.

- I'm in love with Ariel.

- I know, she's beautiful.

- No, I mean I'm really in love with her.

- I don't blame you. She's exceptional.

You don't understand.

I don't want her to get married.

Maxwell, make your shot.

I wanna take my bath.

I've never felt like this.

The moment I smelled her, I loved her.

Smell someone else,

because she's taken.

- Jesus, he's such a pompous ass!

- I know.

But this time tomorrow

she's gonna be Mrs Pompous Ass.

What's the matter with you?

Don't you know what she's thinking?

- What does that mean?

- I kissed her!

- You did?

- Yeah, in the woods. I think Leopold saw.

- He's watching me like a hawk.

- She let you kiss her?

Not exactly, but I could feel

her lips tremble with feeling.

Don't tell me about it. Adrian's jealous

enough. I've had an experience with Ariel.

- What was that experience?

- It was nothing.

- What do you mean "It was nothing"?

- It was brief and platonic.

Bring her to the brook.

Don't tell her it's to meet me.

- Why the brook?

- What's the matter? Relax.

You just lust after her. You're not in love.

You wanna sleep with her.

How could anyone just wanna sleep with

such a dream? Not that I don't. She's hot.

They're incredible in bed,

the ones raised in a convent.

Maxwell, go play with your butterfly net.

- Take a walk with Ariel. Go to the brook.

- I can't! Adrian's too jealous.

What did you two do

that was so incriminating?

Nothing.

- Don't say nothing. You're blushing.

- Leave me alone, Maxwell.

- You slept with her, didn't you?

- I didn't.

- You still like her, don't you?

- No. Go away.

God, Andrew, I'm suffering. I mean it!

All right! I'll bring her to the brook.

I'll talk to her on your behalf. I'll try.

Stop it, they're looking at us.

Didn't he say

that they napped before dinner?

(Dulcy) Check.

(Leopold) Very aggressive.

You learn quickly.

And if I do this?

(Dulcy) Trapped.

You have a wonderful flair

for spatial relationships.

Can you get away later on?

- What do you mean?

- I mean can you get away later on

to be alone with me?

- What for?

- These are my last few hours of freedom.

Professor!

I pray you, do not register

untoward dismay.

I have known many women, and it is

only because I cherish Ariel so intensely

that I am, with some trepidation, closing

the book on my bachelorhood for ever.

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