A Perfect World: The Making of 'The Stepford Wives' Page #4

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and centerpieces.

You can use pinecones to create

a very special Yuletide menorah.

Your pinecone snowman

could be Jewish.

Just add one of those little beanies.

Or maybe l could just use

hundreds of pinecones

to spell out the words ''Big Jew''

in letters 1 5 feet tall

in the snow in my front yard.

That's a wonderful idea.

- Oh, yes, yes.

- That's very wonderful.

- Yes.

- She's so smart.

l love the idea of creating

a life-sized Santa Claus,

- all out of pinecones.

- OK, l love that.

l'm going to use a pinecone in

my nativity as the baby Jesus.

And l'm going to attach

a pinecone to my vibrator

and have a really merry

Christmas.

Here comes Santa CIaus

Here comes Santa CIaus

Right down Santa CIaus Lane

He's got a bag that's fiIIed with toys

For the boys and girIs again

Hear those sIeigh beIIs jingIe jangIe

What a beautifuI sight

So jump in bed, cover up your head

Because Santa CIaus comes tonight

- Who?

- Santa CIaus comes tonight

Joanna, how is she fitting in?

Well...

OK...

l'm among friends, right?

- Of course.

- Yeah.

So...

Joanna and l had this big talk,

and we were really open

with each other.

l mean, we really got it all out.

And l think from now on...

...she's gonna be very, very different.

You think Joanna's

really going to change?

Yes, l do. Absolutely.

And how long

have you been married?

- Ted!

- Yes.

Don't you owe Walter $20?

That's absolutely right, l do.

Babe!

Yes, darling?

Walt, sit down.

l need 20.

- You know my PlN.

- Of course.

She gives singles.

Are these all for day camp

tomorrow?

l just want you to be proud of me,

honey.

Dad, watch this.

Ball.

- Aren't robots cool?

- Oh, yeah.

May l speak to the man

of the house?

- Snot-butt.

- Funkmaster Markowitz.

- Stone-cold Thriller Killer Kresbo.

- Cupcakes, anyone?

- Cupcakes!

- Cupcakes.

Hey, right on time.

Jo, these are smoking.

- Why don't you make stuff like this?

- Why don't you?

Because l have a penis.

- We should get moving.

- Yeah, we got a meeting.

- At the Men's Association.

- When will you be home, honey?

When l'm home.

Call a sitter.

Bobbie, are you sure about this?

We're not spying. We're just visiting.

Fellas, l can't tell you

how happy we are

to welcome all of this new blood.

- You said it, Mike.

- That's right.

l love, love this space.

lt's very Ralph Lauren meets

Sherlock Holmes.

lt says, ''l have taste and a scrotum.''

- Roger, you promised.

- What?

- Whore.

- Bore.

- Sorry.

- No, no, no.

Jerry, you're gonna find that

Stepford is very open-minded.

- Oh, yeah.

- We welcome you and your partner,

just like any other couple.

Absolutely. Any other.

- That's right.

- Girlfriend.

Miss... Miss Thing.

- To Stepford!

- Stepford!

You bet.

Yeah.

Damn. Come on, let's go.

You think this is all right,

sneaking around?

Add it up.

All the women around here

are perfect sex-kitten bimbos.

All the men are drooling nerds.

- Doesn't that seem strange?

- Not to me.

- Why not?

- l work in television.

Oh, come on.

You know, Walter,

l think Joanna is right.

- l think Stepford is the answer.

- She's a great gal.

Or she will be.

- Come on, help me up.

- We shouldn't be here.

Oh, come on.

Don't be such a chicken.

- l should be home with my cupcakes.

- Why?

Because you only made

- We're trespassing.

- Only if we get caught.

Damn, l can't see a thing.

Oh, there's the light.

There it is.

No, Bobbie.

This is like some alien freak show.

Why? They're just family portraits.

Yeah, that's what l said.

The lights.

We should get out of here.

Should we run?

Oh, my God.

Clarice?

- Hi, girls!

- Roger!

You scared us.

- What are you doing in here?

- What's going on?

Do they have hookers or old PIayboys

or cable porn?

Oh, please.

They barely have throw pillows.

- They're coming.

- The menfolk.

- Call us.

- OK.

Rog?

What was it?

Did you see anyone?

Not a soul.

But what's back here anyway,

in all of these rooms?

Storage? Sweaters?

Bodies?

- Jerry.

- Do you see that door on your left?

Check it out.

Oh, boy.

Why, l can't see anything.

lt's dark.

Use your flashlight.

l feel like Nancy Drew in

The Mystery of the Mid-Iife Crisis.

What am l looking for?

Look down.

Jerry?

Roger!

Roger!

- Bobbie.

- Roger!

- Bobbie?

- Roger!

Roger said there was nothing going on

at the Men's Association.

Well, then why doesn't he

answer the phone?

- lt's been two days.

- Bobbie.

Roger!

Roger!

lsn't that his favorite shirt,

the Dolce & Gabbana?

The Guccis.

- And the Versace.

- Maybe he's donating them.

To what? The gay homeless?

He loved this.

His program from Hairspray.

- Oh, my God.

- What is it?

Viggo.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

l'm Jerry Harmon, and l...

l know l'm pretty new here,

but already l feel so at home.

Why did Jerry ask us

to meet him here?

Proud that l can introduce Stepford's

brand-new candidate for state senate.

Ladies and gentlemen,

l give you Mr. Roger Bannister.

What?

He's wonderful.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

You may very well ask, what are

my qualifications for higher office?

Well, l believe in Stepford, America

and the power of prayer.

Values l've discovered thanks

to my partner,

in life and in the Lord,

Jerry Harmon.

Roger. Roger.

Yes. ls there a question?

Mrs. Markowitz?

So you two are happy now?

More than ever. Because now

l know that being gay doesn't mean

a guy has to be effeminate

or flamboyant or sensitive.

- l'm no sissy.

- No.

- Way to go, Roger!

- That's a man!

- Roger?

- Yes. Mrs. Walter Kresby.

Roger, l don't understand.

You were out there, you were Roger.

And now...

Now you're different.

Your hair, your clothes.

- You're like someone else.

- People change.

You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.

You can't stop Stepford.

So that's why we have

to leave Stepford?

- l'm not following.

- OK.

Before, Roger was witty

and stylish and ironic.

- And l'm sure he still is.

- No.

Now he's making speeches

in a Brooks Brothers suit.

Hey, there's lots of ways to be gay.

Don't try to make him

into a stereotype.

Bobbie is right,

and she's leaving too.

This place does something to people.

All of the women are always busy

and perfect and smiling,

and all of the men are always happy.

- And that's a problem because...?

- Because it's not normal, Walter.

lt's... lt's not the world. lt's not us.

And l'm picking up our kids

from camp right now,

and we're getting out of here.

With or without you.

Secure.

You'll never change, will you?

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