Adam's Rib Page #7

You get yourself set

on some dimwitted cause...

and you go ahead regardless!

You don't care what it does to me

or to you or to anybody...

and you don't care

what people think of us.

l'll tell you what they think of us.

They think we're uncivilized nuts!

Uncivilized!

Just what blow you struck

for women's rights or what have you...

l am sure l don't know...

but you certainly have fouled us up

beyond all recognition.

You've split us right down the middle.

How?

Just how?

l've done it all the way l said l would.

ln sickness, health, richer,

poorer, better or worse.

This is too worse. This is basic.

l'm old-fashioned. l like two sexes!

l don't like being married

to what is known as a ''new woman.''

l want a wife, not a competitor.

Competitor!

lf you want to be a big he-woman,

go and be it, but not with me.

You're not gonna solve anything

by running away!

Where are you going?

Why don't you stand still and have it out?

-Where are you going?

-Because l don't want to.

Adam, please.

l've said all the wrong things.

l don't know what's the matter with me.

But you've said--

No, l haven't. l've said everything l meant.

-Adam!

-What?

Don't you dare slam that door.

All right.

The question here is

equality before the law...

regardless of religion, color, wealth...

or, as in this instance, sex.

Excuse me.

Law, like man, is composed of two parts.

Just as man is body and soul...

so is the law, letter and spirit.

The law says, ''Thou shalt not kill.''

Yet men have killed and proved a reason...

and been set free.

Self-defense, defense of others...

of wife, of children and home.

lf a thief breaks into your house...

and you shoot him...

the law will not deal harshly with you,

nor indeed should it.

So here you are asked to judge not

whether or not...

these acts were committed...

but to what extent they were justified.

Now, ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

l request that you join me

in a revealing experiment.

l ask you all to direct your attention...

to the defendant, Mrs. Attinger.

Keep looking at her. Keep watching.

Listen carefully and look at her hard.

Now imagine her a man.

Go on now. Use your imaginations.

Think of her as a man sitting there

accused of a like crime.

A husband who was only

trying to protect his home.

Now hold that impression

and look at Beryl Caighn.

Look at her hard.

A man. A slick home wrecker.

A third party.

A wolf. You know the type.

All right, hold that impression

and look at Mr. Attinger...

and suppose him a woman.

Try. Try hard.

Yes, there she is.

The guilty wife. Look at her.

Does she arouse your sympathy?

All right. Now you have it.

Judge it so!

An unwritten law stands back of a man

who fights to defend his home.

Apply this same law

to this maltreated wife...

and neglected woman.

We ask you no more. Equality.

Deep in the heart of South America...

there thrives today a civilization

far older than ours.

A people known as the Lorcananos

descended from the Amazons.

ln this vast tribe,

members of the female sex...

rule and govern...

and systematically deny

equal rights to the men...

made weak and puny

by years of subservience...

too weak to revolt.

And yet how long have we lived...

in the shadow of a like injustice?

Consider this unfortunate woman's act...

as though you yourselves

had each committed it.

Every living being is capable of attack...

if sufficiently provoked.

Assault lies dormant within us all.

lt requires only circumstance

to set it in violent motion.

l ask you...

for a verdict of not guilty.

There was no murder attempt here.

Only a pathetic attempt to save a home.

l should like to say at the outset...

that l think the arguments advanced

by the counsel for the defense...

were sound.

Mere sound.

Ladies and ''joodlemen'' of the ''jerry''...

that is to say, gentlemen of the jury.

While l have been vastly amused by some

of the entertainment provided here...

l must remind you that it has

absolutely no bearing on the case.

Of course, l'm going to ask you

for a verdict of guilty as charged.

You, not l, must speak for the people...

and the people ask you to say,

''Citizens abide by the law.''

No one can feel safe

living in a community...

when there are reckless

and irresponsible neurotics...

wandering about its thoroughfares

armed with deadly weapons.

-You must deal with criminals--

-Objection!

-You must deal with criminals--

-Not brought out by testimony!

Sit down, Pinkie! l didn't interrupt you--

-Just a moment!

-l didn't get his last....

You said, ''Sit down'' something.

No matter, no matter.

May l have it for the record, please?

''Sit down, Pinkie.''

-''Pinkie''?

-Yes.

-What's that, a name?

-Yes.

-Whose?

-The counsel for the defense.

-Oh. ls that a ''Y'' or an ''l-E''?

-''Y'' for him, ''l-E'' for me.

Can we get on with it?

What was your objection, Pinkie? Counsel?

l object to the characterization

of the defendant as a criminal.

-A strange appellation...

-Sustained.

-...for one with an unblemished record...

-Jury disregard reference.

-...as citizen, wife and mother!

-l have ruled!

The court has ruled!

All right, Pinky.

Well, as l was saying...

or rather, as l was hoping

l would be able to say...

the purpose of any summation

in any ''lourt'' of ''caw''...

in any court of ''caw''....

l beg your pardon, ladies and gentlemen.

Let me begin again.

What is there for you to decide? One thing.

Was she trying to kill her husband

and Beryl Caighn or both?

l smile.

l find it a little difficult

to proceed in this case...

without bursting into laughter

at the utter ''plimsicity'' of the answer...

and the puny excuse, well after the fact...

that she was merely

trying to frighten them.

Simplicity!

l resent.... l resent any neighbor...

who takes the law into her own hands...

and places a special interpretation

upon it just for herself.

Now, let's take the character

of this Doris Attinger.

l'm afraid that's going to be

a little difficult...

because we haven't been told

much about her in here...

and we certainly haven't seen

Doris Attinger in this courtroom.

What we have seen is a performance...

complete with makeup and costume.

Coached by her counsel for the defense,

she has presented a sweet face.

What a sweet face!

Crowned by a tenderly trimmed bonnet.

l find it a little difficult to be

taken in, ladies and gentlemen...

because l happen to be the fellow

who paid for the bonnet...

and here's the receipt to prove it.

Do you mind if l show that to the jury?

l'd like to enter this

as People's Exhibit number 12.

And also, Mrs. Attinger,

l would like to have my hat back!

Your Honor!

-Mr. District Attorney!

-Now, any further attempts--

You will conclude your summation

without any further demonstration!

Okay, everybody, let's go!

Please rise.

Please be seated.

Mr. Foreman, please rise.

Have you agreed upon a verdict?

We have.

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