Albino Alligator

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(SONG)

Why do I always get the sh*t end

of these assignments?

I'd like to ask that question.

MAN 1 (OVER RADIO):

What the hell were you expecting,

Bobby? Waco?

Ha, ha. Very funny.

They say it's not the heat

but the humidity

that fucks you up.

BOBBY (OVER RADIO):

Wouldn't be so bad if I could find

my lighter. You guys have it?

Your lighter, Bobby?

No, I ain't seen your light...

You seen his lighter?

Oh, did you lose

something again?

(LIGHTER CLICKS)

MAN 2 (OVER RADIO): This is

Browning. Listen, Johnson, if you

idiots don't keep this channel clear

I'm personally gonna come out there

and light you both on fire.

(CAT HOWLS)

BROWNING (OVER RADIO):

What they doing?

MAN 1 :

Well, looks like he's still waiting.

(SONG)

MAN 1 (OVER SPEAKER): Yes?

MAN 2 (OVER SPEAKER): Oyeme.

It's gonna be 4 a.m. closing time.

You bring what you got,

we'll bring what we've got.

MAN 1 (OVER SPEAKER):

No. No, I bring nothing

until I see what you got.

You show me first.

(ALARM RINGS, DOGS BARKING)

Sh*t!

Goddamn it!

What the f*** was that?

Let's just slow down.

We're in a stolen car.

What? Could you say that again?

You see, I'm having

a hard time hearing you

because the alarm blew out

my f***ing eardrums.

I don't wanna risk

going to jaiI for nothing.

Well, jail is exactly

what I'm trying to avoid.

You know, Milo, I'm still

disenchanted with you,

so why don't you shut the f*** up

and let me make the decisions.

All right, all right. You wanna hang

yourself, go ahead. I got some more

rope back here if you need it.

COWENS:
This is Cowens.

Suspect is on the move.

BOBBY (OVER RADIO):

Copy that. ATF. Keep me advised.

COWENS:

Going to his car.

Holy sh*t. I think he saw me.

What the f***?

Where's he going? What the f***?

What the f***? Where'd he go?

What's going on?

He's not getting in his car.

Oh, goddamn it.

What the f***? Where did he go?

Oh, sh*t. Oh, f***, man!

Okay, okay, okay. Wait a minute.

He's leaving, but it looks like

he's changed cars.

He's in a different car.

He's in a Lincoln.

He's in a Lincoln.

No, no, it's a Buick.

Goddamn it. Check that. It's a Buick.

What the f*** is it?

A Buick or a Lincoln?

I don't know what the hell

it is, man. It's some kind of

big old gas guzzler.

You'll see it when we get down there.

We're on our way down, all right?

(TYRES SCREECHING)

BOBBY (OVER RADIO):

I got him. He's coming right at me.

COWENS (OVER RADIO):

We're on our way, Bobby.

You still got him, Johnson?

He's going straight?

(CHUCKLES)

BOBBY:

If it ain't my lucky day.

COWENS (OVER RADIO):

Bobby, come in. You there?

MILO:
Well, I didn't know

there'd be guards either.

DOVA:
You're the alarm guy.

I leave that sh*t up to you.

(THUDDING)

Christ, what was that?

Ground. We hit the ground.

No, no, not that. Something else.

COWENS (OVER RADIO):

Bobby, which way did he go?

Bobby, are you over there?

Come in, Johnson.

I guess he found his smok es.

Oh, God! Oh, Jesus! There he goes!

There he goes!

There he goes! Move!

This is SpeciaI Agent Cowens. We

need backup. I got an agent down

on the corner of LaMonde and Main.

Send a medic ASAP. I'm in vehicle

pursuit of suspect. Over.

BROWNING (OVER RADIO):

All right. This is Browning. We're

on the way. You're on LaMonde?

MILO:
Oh, now, wait a minute.

Wait? Wait what?

You ready for this?

If you mean hearing things

he's gotta say, then no. No,

I ain't ready to hear sh*t from him.

Jesus, I didn't know you could say

that many words in a row.

Does that smart mouth bite too?

I bet you it don't.

All right.

I bet you it don't.

Oh, there's someone

coming up on us.

DOVA:
He's moving.

I think it's a cop.

No, I don't see no flashing lights.

(SIREN SOUNDS)

Sh*t.

COWENS:

We just made a left on Carelli.

He's not slowing down.

Rear ram?

(TYRES SCREECH)

(SONG)

Down here. Let's go down here.

What's down there?

F*** if I know.

A place to hide.

We're... We're closed, sonny.

Yeah, uh, my friend, he had

a little accident. He tripped

and fell and bumped his head.

He needs to use your bathroom,

if it's okay.

Your friend needs an ambulance.

Hey. Hey, put your hands

where I can see them! Now!

Hey! Hey, you! Get up! Get up!

Put down that cue!

Okay, lock it!

Get up on the table.

Hey, shitface, sit down. Sit down!

Now, you listen up.

Here's the news.

Nobody moves, nobody says anything,

nobody's gonna get hurt.

We're only gonna be here

for a couple of minutes.

You just relax. Drink your beer.

Drink it. Enjoy your evening.

That's easy for you to say. You don't

have a gun pointed at your head.

Hey. I said everybody be quiet.

Especially you.

Where's your bathroom?

Over there, where it's always been.

Come here.

Take him to the bathroom.

Try to clean him up.

Now, when they get

out of the bathroom,

we're gonna leave you booze hounds

to your drunken lives.

For now, you just sit tight.

(DISTANT SIRENS SOUNDING)

What do I owe you for this?

It's free. Just take it.

Last drink's always on the house.

No, look, I wanna pay for it.

How much?

Two bucks.

Two bucks? For a lousy beer?

You gonna pay for it or not?

Big-time gangster like you ought

to be able to cough up a deuce.

Did I do something to you

in another f***ing life?

(MUMBLES)

Keep the change.

Oh, you are a big spender.

I like that in a man.

You know, I just don't know what

it's gonna take to make you shut up.

If you don't bite,

then don't bark, doggy dog.

Hey!

Shut up!

BARTENDER:

Look, we don't want no trouble.

You don't want no trouble, huh?

Then everybody keep f***ing quiet.

Look at the boy. He's been good.

He hasn't said " boo" on his own.

He must have gone

to Catholic schooI, like me.

Did you go to Catholic school?

I went to Catholic school.

I was an altar boy.

(WHISTLES)

(COUGHS)

DOVA:

Hurry up!

Mr. CooI, huh?

Mr. Quiet?

Let me tell you something, Mr. Quiet.

You being quiet

tells me that you're smart.

And smart people

sometimes f*** things up

by trying to be clever.

Now, I hope that you're not

smart and clever...

because then we've got a problem.

(HUMS)

Now you're gonna rob me?

The day just keeps getting sweeter.

Rob you? Kind of.

But you don't have a car?

I don't drive.

You don't drive?

How do you get to work every day?

I take the streetcar.

Sir!

I got a car.

It's a green Chevy station wagon.

It's parked right outside.

Outside?

Station wagon, huh?

Chicks must flock to you

in a car like that.

Hey, you can take my car. BMW.

Smooth and fast.

Parked just up the block.

I think I'll take the beemer.

Sorry, kid.

(PHONE RINGS)

Whoa!

Just put the phone up on the bar.

Hello? No, this ain't Dino.

Yeah, sure.

(WHISPERS) Who's Dino?

That would be me. It's my place.

Yeah. He's... He's busy right now.

Okay, Dino. Your wife or your

girlfriend or whatever the f***

you wanna call her

wants to know if you still need

a ride home. Don't you f*** with me!

Can't blame a guy for trying.

Yeah, I just talked to Dino,

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