Alex & Emma

It is and that stinks.

What happened to all the money?

You'd be lucky for looking like me.

I can't afford to look like...

Mr. Sheldon?

Maybe he's not here.

Aren't you home?

Help me, Lord.

How are you doing?

I was just looking for a sweater. Here it is.

We'll teach you.

When was the last time you take a bath?

What you think, Tony?

Maybe we should open a window.

Wait! As soon as I finish the book,

you get the money!

You say that last time.

And the time before.

Wait!

There's nothing but pavement.

There's not an awning in sight.

Wait! I swear I'm almost finished!

- How close?

- Very close. Insanely close.

It was a little slow going at the start,

but I'm really cooking along now.

Show us.

- Show you?

- Show us.

Have you guys been working out together?

How do I get that look?

You know, see,

I think I've been doing too much cardio.

You write on this?

Yeah, it's all right there.

Just a couple of chapters to go. It's good.

Show us.

An author doesn't really

like to show what he's...

Show us the book, Mr. Sheldon.

I can't. I'm blocked. I haven't started.

- You lie?

- Yeah.

- That's bad.

- I know.

Very bad.

- What do we do?

- I'll tell you what we're going to do.

We're gonna

do a little science experiment.

- What are you doing?

- Sit down.

Curious what it's like to be

"cooking along" on a computer.

Come on, please don't do that! How'd you

expect me to write without a computer?

We don't expect you to write, Mr. Sheldon.

We expect you to flatten.

Wait, please don't do this.

Let's rethink this. Come on, guys.

Let's rethink it.

I'll double what I owe you! $100,000!

In 30 days.

Okay! 30 days, that's good!

I'll do it.

You'll have your money in 30 days.

- I gave you $75,000. Where did that go?

- Florida Gaming Commission.

- What?

- Hialeah dog track.

- You gambled away $75,000 on dogs?

- A little more than that.

See, I borrowed from some

Cuban gentlemen down Miami way.

You know, Alex, you have a major talent...

but you're pissing it away.

You get $125,000

when I get the manuscript.

That's the deal we made.

I've given you a year.

What have you been doing?

- I fell in love. It didn't work out.

- Perfect!

A love affair gone bad,

gambling, criminal types.

All the elements of a bestseller.

You see, they're going to kill me

if I don't get the money in 30 days.

Then you'd better get to work.

- Hi.

- Sorry.

Is there possibly

another Cambridge Street?

I'm looking for the law offices of Polk,

Taylor, Fillmore, Pierce...

- and Van Buren.

- That's us.

Miss...

Dinsmore. Emma Dinsmore.

Alex Sheldon. Won't you come in?

No, I don't believe I will.

This doesn't look like a law office.

- Doesn't even look like a nice place to live.

- I know.

Our offices in the Prudential Tower,

which by the way, are very impressive...

you know, law books,

conference tables, leather...

they're being redecorated,

but there's been a holdup with the marble.

Something about the cutters in Carrara

wanting better health benefits.

Mr. Sheldon, I'm going to leave now.

How can I leave

if I have a dead lawyer lying on my foot?

How can I do that?

What kind of person

would I be, Mr. Sheldon?

Not a good one. Not a very good one.

Okay, come on.

I'll get you out of the door...

put you in the...

reception area.

Better yet...

let's put you in your conference room.

This way, if you're preparing

for your big case...

you can just do it here.

- Mr. Sheldon?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

This has only happened to me

one time before.

Little League, championship game.

I was up with the bases loaded

in the bottom of the ninth.

- I hadn't eaten lunch that...

- I have to go.

Please, wait a second. I need your help.

Unhand me!

- Did you say, "Unhand me"?

- I won't be taken advantage of.

Miss Dinsmore, I had no intention...

Then why did you ask my company

to send me up here?

Because you're not fooling anyone,

Mr. Sheldon, if that's even your real name.

This is clearly not the law office of Polk,

Taylor, Fillmore, Pierce, Van Buren...

who just happen to have been presidents

of the United States.

You're right. This isn't a law office,

and yes, indeed, they were presidents.

Yes, so what other conclusion

can we draw from this, Mr. Sheldon...

except that

you're trying to take advantage of me?

- We could also conclude that I'm a liar.

- Yes, we could, and in fact, we have.

I'm sorry. It's just that I really

need your help, Miss Dinsmore.

- You see, I'm a brilliant novelist...

- Yeah, and I invented nuclear energy.

- Excuse me, I have to split some atoms.

- Wait!

Could we try to put this behind us?

I just want your stenography services.

That's all.

I assure you, I'm a desperate man.

I don't intend on spending my time in the

personal apartment of a desperate man.

You want sex, Mr. Sheldon,

you are barking up the wrong body.

Miss Dinsmore, I know my veracity

has been called into question...

but I swear to God that barking up your

body is the furthest thing from my mind.

Well, I don't believe you.

Right now, I can't think of any woman

I'm less interested in going to bed with.

- Nice meeting you.

- What was that supposed to mean?

I only meant that while I'm sure

many men would be thrilled...

to find themselves in bed with

such a forthright woman as yourself...

I just have different tastes, that's all.

I prefer women that are more...

Less forthright.

Mr. Sheldon, didn't you expect

that whoever showed up...

would immediately find out

that you weren't a law office?

I owe some guys $100,000

and I got to get it to them in 30 days.

The only way I can do that

is by finishing my next book...

and the only way I can do that

is by dictating it to a stenographer.

- How much do you have left?

- All of it.

- You want to dictate an entire book to me?

- That's right.

- In 30 days?

- Correct.

I get $15 an hour, and I expect to be paid

at the conclusion of each day.

And I'd really like to do that,

but unfortunately, I can't.

At the end of each week.

At the end of the job.

I get paid when I turn in the manuscript.

What happens if you don't finish

in 30 days?

I'll finish in 30 days.

But if you don't finish in 30 days,

then what happens?

I get killed.

I forgot my scarf.

Mr. Sheldon, I forgot my scarf.

What's your book about?

It's the story of a man

who's frightened of commitment...

yet so desperately in love with a woman

he's afraid it might kill him.

It's a comedy.

- Does it kill him?

- You'll have to read the book.

- What are you doing?

- I want to see if he dies.

You can't read the end first.

- Then tell me how it ends.

- You have to read the book.

This is how I read books.

If I like the ending, I'll like getting to it.

If I don't like the ending

then I know not to waste my time.

See? Now I want to read this.

What's your new book about?

It's about the powerlessness

of being in love...

and how it devours the insides of a person

like a deadly virus.

- Another comedy?

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