Alexander's Ragtime Band

1

- Roger...

- Roger...

Oh, Roger, you haven't

forgotten about the party?

No, but I'm afraid I can't make it.

- But you've got to come. You promised.

- The whole crowd's going to be there.

And besides, I've saved

all my Waltzes for you.

We'll make them up next time.

It's going to be the

best party of the year.

- Sorry. Good night.

- Good night.

I've gotta run, Aunt Sophie.

Can you get home all right?

Yes, but I did want you

to go to that lovely party.

Good night, dear.

I'll see you first thing in the morning.

- Good night, Professor Heinrich.

- You did very well, my boy.

But your pizzicato -

we still have to work on it.

Remember, as more you press,

as less comes out.

I'll take care of it first

thing in the morning.

Don't overdo yourself, dear.

Why did you have to say that?

His pizzicatos were perfect.

Perhaps, but these young people today,

we have to keep after them all the time.

If he's going to be a great musician...

If he's going to be a great musician?

A boy with his talent?

Why, do you know where he's gone now?

To work. In the Excelsior bakery.

Slaving away half the night in order to

have more time to practice in the daytime.

- So?

- Yes.

You sawed-off little runt!

Trying to dump your broken-down

horn-pushers off on me.

But you didn't give 'em a chance!

I won't get the stink

out of my place for a week.

You can't treat me like this!

I'll get the police!

I'll get my lawyer! I'll sue ya!

Don't bring that flute back in here!

Say, you must be

kinda hard to please tonight.

- Hey, wait a minute!

- What do you want?

Well, it wouldn't be fresh air

in this cute little cottage.

Hey, hey!

They tell me you're going in for music.

Well... here I am.

- What do you play?

- I don't play, I sing.

I've been up at Lefty's for three months.

Well, if you're so good,

why ain't you up there now?

Well, Lefty got fresh and I quit.

But I know I'll be safe here.

Sure. You'll be safe here.

Sure. Just as safe

as in the crater of a volcano.

Give us a beer.

Hey, I'm gonna knock you

right out of your seat tonight.

- I wouldn't be surprised.

- I've got something here that's dynamite.

Brand-new. Nobody in Barbary Coast

has ever heard anything like it before.

You must have wrote it yourself.

No, a friend sent it to me from New York.

Just wait till you hear it.

Stell!

Well, for crying out loud! Snapper!

You're a sight for sore eyes, baby!

- Say, listen. Is this getup on the level?

- Sure. I'm seein' the world.

- I'll say you are!

- Boy, am I glad to see you.

Gang, I want you to meet Stella Kirby.

- Hiya, kid.

- Hi, babe.

We went through school together,

up to the fifth grade,

and boy, could she spell 'em down.

Here, grab yourself a seat, Stell.

Hey! Bring us some beer.

You're looking like a million, baby.

- Did you ever learn long division?

- Never even learned short division.

And I'm doin' all right without it!

Ain't she a beaut?

Hey, Bill.

- Here are the fellas I was tellin' you about.

- Hiya.

- Did the other outfit show up yet?

- Yeah.

They just got thrown out.

Just wait a minute.

Say, boss. These boys play great.

You oughta hear 'em.

- Tim Dolan send 'em over?

- No, I told 'em to come over.

This one... This one here,

his uncle's a cop. A friend of mine.

Mind your own business from now on.

You're paid to draw beer.

- Are you beginners?

- Yes, sir.

- We've all gotta begin sometime.

- We're pretty good, too.

We've been rehearsing for weeks.

Wait till you hear us.

- Why aren't the others in uniform?

- You see, I was dressed for a concert.

Oh, we can hire 'em for you

if you want 'em.

Eh, you don't look so hot to me.

But all right. I'll give you a try.

- One piece.

- Oh, thanks!

- Thanks, Bill.

- We're in!

Ooh!

- What's the matter?

- The music.

- What?

- It's gone!

- But you had it.

- I must have left it on the streetcar.

- You couldn't have done that.

- What are we gonna do?

- Well, are you guys gonna play or not?

- Oh, sure.

Here. Take this. It's music.

- Brand-new. Just come from New York.

- Music, you'd better be good.

If they start throwing bottles at us,

I'll meet you boys on the ferry.

- All right, fellas. Just the chorus.

- Hey, I don't get it.

What kind of time is this?

Four quarter. Every bar a quarter rest.

It's crazy.

Come on!

That's it, boys. Swing into it.

My music!

The dirty crooks.

- What's the idea of swiping my music?

- I beg your pardon?

Don't pull any of that "pardon" stuff

on me. You in that monkey suit.

The minute my back was turned, trying to

set yourself in here with my stuff, huh?

All right, kids.

That's dynamite. You're in.

- Who's in?

- All of you.

Say, don't hook me up with this outfit.

I came here to get a job for myself,

not for this bunch.

It was my music and my singing

that put them over.

- Yeah, but listen...

- They don't know to play. They're rotten.

Oh, and I suppose just because

you can stand up here and shout,

that you know everything

about music, huh?

Fight it out among yourselves,

but it's all of you or nothing.

Beer on the house

for Mr. Alexander and his Ragtime Band.

- My name is not Alexander.

- It's Alexander to me.

Come on with that beer.

- So I don't know music, huh?

- No.

Well, maybe I don't know

the tripe they play up on Snob Hill,

but I know what they like down here

and that's more than you'll ever know.

And if you think that I'm gonna work with

you, you've got another guess coming.

Oh, what made you think

that I'd want you with my band?

Your band?!

- Oh, give me my music...

- Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.

This is a situation.

Let's try and figure it out.

Oh, I've got it all figured out.

And I don't want any more to do with you.

Is that plain, fancy-pants?

- Always a pleasure to meet a lady.

- You bet it is.

- Say, you were good.

- I know it.

- Let her go.

- Girlie!

Gee, look at what you've done.

Everything's going along swell

and you have to start

an argument with her.

That girl's a whiz.

Wait a minute. Let's be reasonable.

Reasonable? Say, what do you think

I am? A half-wit or something?

Don't pay attention to him. He didn't mean

it. He was just shooting off his mouth.

Come on back. Let's pretend

it didn't happen. We all need the job.

Oh, say, I wouldn't go back there

if it was the last job on earth.

I've seen all I want

of that stuck-up pain in the neck.

- Yeah, but look...

- Let go of me.

There he goes again, playing my music.

Opening tonight, Alexander's Ragtime

Band! The hottest music on the coast!

And the queen of ragtime, Stella Kirby!

With the finest fish dinner in town!

Opening tonight,

Alexander's Ragtime Band!

Not bad, boys.

These openings tie me up in knots.

I'm shaking like a coochie dancer.

You call this an opening?

You should have seen the outfit I was with

the night we opened at the Crystal Palace.

That was an opening.

Hello, Martha? It's Roger.

Listen, I've got to talk to Aunt Sophie.

I'll try. Will you hold the phone, please?

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