Ali's Wedding Page #5

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I'm really sorry. That was wrong.

I can't study with you tonight.

I understand.

I'm going to afilm

with my basketball team.

At 8:
30. The Dorset Cinema.

Mum.

There's this girl at the mosque.

Quite pious.

- She's also doing medicine.

- The chick with the English name?

- Dianne, she's really nice.

- The Lebanese one.

- I think her mum's Egyptian or something.

- Not Iraqi?

I see her at uni sometimes...

Yes, they say her father doesn't approve,

but she seems nice enough.

Listen habibi.

Layal, her son went to school

with Rami and Momtaz.

She has a sinus problem.

I said you'd check it out.

- What? I'm not a doctor yet.

- You're as good as one.

Dianne's going to be a doctor.

She could...

So, the antenna guy quotes us 200 bucks

to put up the aerial.

You know what I told him?

You're just assuming I tell him

to shove it up his ass? Anyway.

I'll put up the aerial myself,

save you guys some cashola.

- You are the muscles of this family.

- Thank you.

Brains. Muscles.

I have all the children I need.

And my fee... Let's call it 100 bucks.

- A hundred bucks.

- You'd be up 100 buckaroos.

Give him $50.

- One day I'll be out of this house.

- Dianne's surprisingly devout.

She was born here, wasn't she?

Yeah, but doesn't theKoran say

we're all children of one earth?

Yes, but...

The Koran was written

before Australia was discovered

and the Prophet didn't know about

the beaches here.

You know the rumors

about girls born here.

I was born here.

Your sister.

She has seen things beyond her age.

Men, in bathers. People kissing on TV.

I can still hear you.

- Mohammed!

- Yeah, Mum.

Get your sister

to help you with the antenna.

I'm not going on the roof

with that lunatic.

Mum, Dianne's different.

Ali, habibi.

Girls brought up here

are like our dishwasher.

We thought we were buying it brand new,

until we found out...

it was a floor model.

And she is not right for your brother.

For Moe?

Enough. She's Lebanese.

Ramona, get up here.

You call yourself fit?

If I was the coach,I'd get you all

to strip naked in the desert

and run like donkeys.

What are you doing?

I've got to go.

I've got to study.

The oil in the fryer needs changing.

We never change it.

Customers need to be served.

If I change the oil now,

and serve all night, can I go?

Please. I'll be back by eight.

I'll make you Mum's tagine.

Yeah?

Everything now and back by seven.

Thank you.

I love you, Dad.

No smoking.

I know.

God help me.

I could never tell my Dad we speak speak,

could you?

Mum's funny about the Lebanese.

My dad thinks Iraqisare the source

of all the misery in the Middle East.

Oh.

My mum just reckons

you guys ruin Middle Eastern food.

I don't know what I want.

I do.

It's so beautiful here.

You know, this is as much

as we can ever do.

Yes, I know.

Leave them be. They are young.

Let his hands wander

as long as seed is not spilled.

Good. Apart.

We're a very modern family here.

I'll be downstairs if you need...

Are you trying to give me diabetes?

- I heard you have a sweet tooth.

- I don't have a sweet tooth.

How many children do you want?

As many as makes you happy.

Good. Then none.

What? Really?

I hate children.

They can be annoying.

They cost too much.

So many nappies. Disgusting.

And you know what?

I think I might give up medicine.

Just sit and watch TV all day.

Cricket.

Test match cricket.

Also, I'm going to eat and get fat.

And I mean reality-show fat.

Well, as long as you're comfortable,

I will be too.

Rings from the finest jewelers,

our gold plucked from the desert sands...

Too expensive.

I forget you are but a student,

saving for the future.

What are you trying to tell me, Ali?

Two.

I'd want two kids.

At least.

And three sugars.

So this chick you're saddled with?

- She's a dog?

- No.

She's beautiful. Nice, too.

- I'm struggling to see the problem.

- She's not the one.

Well then, who is? Not that medical chick?

Unbelievable, man.

How could you keep this from us?

- You animal.

- It's weird.

When I'm with Dianne,

I feel like I'm me, you know?

It's weird because you're engaged.

You can't be seen together

or speak to her.

- Does Dianne know you're engaged?

- Of course not.

- Call off the engagement.

- I can't.

- What would people say? Your father?

- I know.

Moussas mum, remember?

Two weeks in hospital

after he called it off.

- Double unbelievable.

- Can't you guys have, like, 72 wives?

They think they can beat him

They lie to themselves

While they try to bomb him

He plays with our girls

While Iraq burns

He plays with two girls

Forgot your gun.

Only two?

You know how many wives

Saddam actually had?

More than you?

1,300. Temporary marriages, of course.

- Are temporary marriages even real?

- Of course!

I spent my teenage years

studying Koranic jurisprudence.

Some you marry for one hour,

some for a day,

and the ones with stamina, like a taxi...

you leave the meter on.

Cue Saddam Hussein.

If temporary marriages were real,

why don't all Muslims do it?

They don't know Islamic laws like I do.

There is always a loophole.

Cue Saddam Hussein 20 minutes ago.

What are you doing here? Go away.

I found a way we can be together.

Temporary marriage.

Temporary marriage?

You came here just to say that?

Come on.

That's just a loophole for horny Arabs.

Yeah, but it's written law.

"A man who desireth temporary marriage,

must first set a reasonable time limit,

reasonable dowry,

treat the woman with dignity..."

I'm all about that.

It's not in the Koran.

It's not in the text.

Yeah, but it's here.

It means

we can have a proper relationship.

But, you know? Temporary.

Like Australians.

What are you two talking about?

Your daughter's asking me

about a possible cure for arthritis.

Yalla, OK.

Jewell Station tomorrow at eleven o'clock.

OK?

Go. Go on.

I haven't got long.

I'm supposed to be delivering these.

How does this work?

I don't know.

But once we get married

we could... do things.

I could say things to you.

We can say things now.

No, like when we're alone.

I could say I like you,

and if you felt like it,

you could say you like me.

OK, apart from standing around

telling each other we like each other,

what else can we do?

We could go bowling.

OK, we could go bowling.

We could have ice cream together.

We could go to the aquarium.

We could watch another movie.

I could put my arm around your waist

this time.

How long would we be married?

Medicine's six years.

- How about we start with six weeks?

- Sure. Great.

OK.

But no one can know.

I think we need two witnesses.

You look beautiful.

OK, say your vows.

We're gonna catch the next train.

OK. I, Ali Dianne...

I, Ali Albasri, take DianneMohsen,

to be myreligiously lawfully wedded wife.

- Her dowry being...

- The fish and chips will do.

- Her dowry being 200 grams of snapper.

- Flake.

- You don't want the snapper at our place.

- Quick.

So, do you take me?

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