Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore Page #4

I'll bust your jaw!

All right. Okay, now, I'll tell you what.

I'll be over at Jacobs' to pick you up later

when you get off of work, all right?

All right?

Okay, see you about 1:30?

All right. I'll be there.

Alice, you just got to understand

one thing about me. I'm just like this.

Don't mess around with it,

and it won't mess with you.

Mess around with it,

and it's going to kill you.

That b*tch has messed around with me.

All right, sweetheart?

Okay, I'll see you later.

ALICE:
I'm all right.

ALICE:
Please close.

Let's see if that's closed.

ALICE:
No! I can't go on.

TOMMY:
Oh, sh*t.

Wait, let's calm down.

I'm going to do this now,

and I'm going to close it.

-Something's sticking out over here.

-Stick it in.

-All right, now I am going to close it.

-My poor suitcase.

TOMMY:
I'll give you a little weight. Got it?

That's it! I've got it. Let's go.

ALICE:
All right.

TOMMY:
Did you remember the money?

ALICE:
No.

ALICE:
Are you all right?

TOMMY:
No.

ALICE:
Where is it?

ALICE:
Come on.

Quick, tell me. Which way?

You turn here.

-Where? Come on!

-Here!

ALICE:
Are you sure?

TOMMY:
Here!

ALICE:
I'm doing it.

All right, let me see this.

-We're okay?

-Then you turn like this.

-See? Turn like this.

-Okay.

On the third day,

they sight the great gray gorilla.

And what they do with the gorilla

is they take it...

the guy goes up the tree,

like he always does...

knocks the gorilla off the tree,

and he falls down.

He's yelling to the hunter,

"Shoot the dog! "

Sit down, will you?

-But did you get it?

-Get what?

The joke. Remember when I told you

about the dog?

-Yeah, I got it, honey.

-You did not. I'll explain it.

The first time, the gorilla falls down...

the dog grabs it

and swings it around till it's dead.

ALICE:
The dog grabs the gorilla

and swings what?

TOMMY:
The gorilla till it's dead.

The dog grabs the gorilla

and swings it around till it's dead. I got it.

-The joke is where the dog grabs it.

-Where?

On the nuts. That's the punch line.

ALICE:
"The dog grabs the gorilla

by the nuts," is the punch line?

No, that's the part of the story you have

to know to get the punch line.

You know what nuts are?

-Balls.

-Right. We'll go on from there.

Come on, Tommy.

Let me drive the car, will you?

Let me just tell you the punch line.

When the gorilla falls off the tree....

See what I mean by falling off the tree?

When the gorilla falls off the tree...

the hunter's yelling, "Shoot the dog! "

Because he got grabbed in the nuts

and swung around till he was dead.

Ain't that funny?

TOMMY:
That the gorilla--

ALICE:
Tommy, it's enough.

TOMMY:
The gorilla fell down,

and the dog grabbed him by the nuts.

Are you going to tell me this story again?

TOMMY:
No, I'm going to tell it to you

until you understand it.

ALICE:
I understand it! Now shut up!

TOMMY:
Then what's the joke?

ALICE:
I don't know.

TOMMY:
Then I'll tell it to you again.

ALICE:
I think Tucson might be a nice place

for us to stay...

till I make some more money.

I mean, we're here. Why not?

How much money did we save in Phoenix?

$90.

We weren't even there very long,

and I had to buy all those darn dresses.

Did you sleep with him?

Tommy!

-Well, did you?

-Of course not. I hardly knew him.

Then how come you came home late

all those nights?

Because we were talking.

We had coffee and we were talking....

This isn't right. I'm not gonna

discuss my sex life with you.

Then I'm not gonna tell you about mine.

You drive a hard bargain.

ALICE:
"City of Tucson.

ALICE:
"Winter home

of the Cleveland Indians."

So far, I hate it.

ALICE:
I wish we could find a cheap motel.

Why doesn't somebody put out a sign:

"Cheap Motel"?

-It's not fancy, but we like it.

-Yes, it's home to us.

Christ, you'd think it had a bed.

I suspect it's under here someplace.

It is. The bed.

Okay, I'm off to get rich.

-I'll see you later.

-Thanks for the warning.

God, he's a card.

Good luck. Tell them you know Kay Starr!

Okay, you can relax, kid. I got a job.

Where?

-Mel and Ruby's caf.

-They got an electric piano there?

They don't have a piano.

How are you going to sing?

ALICE:
I'm not. I'm waiting on tables.

What?

I'm a waitress, that's what.

Is it a nice place, anyway?

Hell, yes. Mel and Ruby's caf?

Are you kidding?

TOMMY:
It doesn't sound so bad.

There's just Mel there.

Ruby's been dead for 14 years.

The place killed her.

It'll probably kill me, too.

They gave me the address where

I can go to buy my waitress uniform.

Oh, God. A waitress.

TOMMY:
Maybe I could do something.

Get a job.

Thank you.

It won't be so bad.

It's right next door. I can walk to work.

We'll always have food to eat.

I'll earn enough money

to get us to Monterey.

I forgot to tell you.

I saw a place up the street

where you can take guitar lessons.

FLO:
Here, honey, eggs firm, right there.

FLO:
Here, Gene, toast coming up.

FLO:
Hi, honey. How are you?

Here's your eggs.

Flo, ready on the bacon!

Mel!

Where's that order of bacon?

I swear that man moves

like dead lice were falling off him.

I mean, Grandma was slow,

but she was old.

Mel, what you doing back there,

pulling on your pudding?

Or are you giving it a whack

with a hammer?

I heard the only way you can get it up

is to slam it in a door.

I don't want to get

too close to you, honey.

It will get you all bothered up

early in the morning.

I could lay under you, eat fried chicken...

and do a crossword puzzle

at the same time.

That's how much you bother me.

Do you need anything else at this table?

The tea, sure.

Did you decide

what you want for breakfast?

First, I want a big smile.

ALICE:
Do you want eggs?

DAVID:
Yeah, ham and eggs.

Ham and eggs.

How do you want your eggs?

Everybody, listen!

We got us here a new girl,

and her name is Alice.

And today is her first day on the job.

FLO:
And Mel here says that she was

a singer. How about them apples?

And everybody can see

she's got big tits on her.

FLO:
But hands off.

Let the girl do her work.

If there's going to be

any grab-assing around here, grab mine.

You look, but don't you touch.

Steady, big fella. It gets easier.

All right. Now, do you want toast?

-Yeah.

-And coffee?

-Thank you.

-A big smile.

VERA:
What did you want?

MAN:
Some toast. You took away my plate.

Here, take this one.

These people are....

Vera.

Excuse me. I can't find the tea bags.

Could you show me where they are?

I looked all over down here,

and I don't see them anywhere.

MEL:
What the hell's going on out there?

I'm sorry. I was looking for the tea bags.

FLO:
They're right down there in a can

across from the coffee, a little round can.

ALICE:
I see. Yeah, thank you.

FLO:
Okay. You all right?

FLO:
You know, I can tell

that you're new to this kind of work.

But you catch on real quick.

Most of them....

Honey, most of them are out that door

by 10:
30 in the morning, crying.

Thanks a lot. I might blow my brains out.

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