Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore Page #6

I'm going to get you--

Where the hell is Vera?

-I can't get this thing open.

-Okay.

Can't you hear me? Where the hell's Vera?

She went to sh*t, and the hogs ate her!

What the hell is going on here?

All I asked you is where the hell Vera is.

Come on.

Look, I'm really sorry.

You know, Flo's got personal problems.

It's an accident. It happens.

All right, honey. I'm sorry. Really.

That's the worst thing

I've ever heard in my life.

You know, you have a worse mouth

than my kid.

-You mean, you like it?

-Like it? I hate it.

Did you make that up?

No. I heard it all my life.

I heard it first from my dad.

-You're kidding me.

-No, he's got some terrific sayings.

He lives out on a farm.

He always says his name's P.P.

He always says,

"Don't call me P.P. 'cause I'm all urine."

FLO:
He makes up poems like,

"Alice, Alice, got no malice."

No more.

I'm glad you like that one.

Come on, the customers are waiting.

What's the matter?

Yeah. Laugh, laugh.

My business is falling apart,

and you're laughing.

On the way back to the motel,

I saw the "Waitress Wanted" sign.

I said, "Why not?" So I took this job.

Let me give you a hint.

-Honey, unbutton that top button.

-Really?

If you bend over,

you get more tips when you're working.

-You're kidding me--

-I'm not kidding. I got $50 last week.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Like that?

-Yeah.

Honey, forget what I said.

You do that,

and I'm never going to get a tip again.

You're so funny.

Boy.

You really need someone to talk to,

don't you?

You know, I bet you sure get lonesome,

don't you?

Yep. I miss my friend Bea.

What time is it now, about 2:30?

Exactly. How did you know that?

I can feel it.

Bea is now watching All My Children.

There's this character

on the show named Jeff...

and she's just madly in love with him.

You want me to fix you up

with somebody?

I know lots of guys

who'd fall down over you.

Their brains would fall out,

and they'd froth at the mouth.

That sounds attractive.

Thanks a lot, but I don't think so.

Besides, I kind of got my eye

on Daddy Duke.

Honey, if you change your mind,

just let me know.

ALICE:
I sure will.

ALICE:
Isn't that sun wonderful?

-Is today the Ripple day?

-No, not today.

-You want to steal something?

-Steal what?

-I don't know. What do you need?

-Nothing, really.

What do you want?

Nothing, except some guitar strings,

but they're real expensive.

-Where are they, at Chicago music store?

-Yeah.

AUDREY:
Let's go, darling.

Come on.

Are you all right?

-My knee.

-What happened?

There's a slick spot on your floor.

I hope this doesn't ruin

my tryout for cheerleader.

I'm so sorry. Maybe you just stumbled.

-Thank you very much, sir.

-Good luck on your cheerleading.

DAVID:
I'd rather take a whipping

than mend fences.

Maybe it would be easier

to get an electric fence.

Not really.

They'd be out in about a week, anyway.

They smell the apples over there

and get wilder than a guinea.

ALICE:
What does?

DAVID:
The cows.

DAVID:
Don't try and understand a cow.

ALICE:
Okay.

DAVID:
The only thing dumber than a cow

is a chicken.

Turkeys are worse.

You know what a little turkey does

when it rains?

Put their head back

and open up their mouths and drown.

ALICE:
They do not.

DAVID:
They do, too.

My grandmother lost about 200 of them

once in one rainstorm.

ALICE:
Could I touch your beard?

ALICE:
It's soft.

DAVID:
Your brother taught you to kiss?

ALICE:
I don't mean he demonstrated.

He told me that

the worst thing that can happen...

is if a boy feels like he's put his lips

in a bowl of wet oatmeal.

At least he said "lips."

So the most important thing

to remember before you kiss...

is to wipe your mouth real good

and keep your lips together...

so he doesn't kiss your teeth.

We went to see

The Postman Always Rings Twice.

And there was this big close-up of....

What's her name?

Lana Turner and John Garfield, right?

They're coming together.

Big dramatic moment.

At last, they're going to kiss.

ALICE:
The music's playing. Very dramatic.

Just as they come together,

they both open their mouths.

I thought, "My God, don't they know

how to kiss? What's wrong with them?"

I turned and looked at my brother

to see what he was going to say.

ALICE:
He didn't move,

he was just looking at screen.

ALICE:
He didn't say anything

for three weeks.

Then all of a sudden one day, he says:

"Well, Al, I've been thinking."

DAVID:
Al?

ALICE:
Yes, he always called me Al.

"l think maybe you're supposed to

part your lips a little bit when you kiss."

God bless him.

If not, I had my work cut out for me.

ALICE:
So anyway, and then...

we decided we wanted to go

into show business from the movies.

Why did you leave?

I got married, and Donald

wanted to live in his hometown.

I wanted to go on singing.

He said, "No wife of mine

is going to sing in a saloon."

I said, "Yes, master." I kind of liked that.

DAVID:
You liked it?

ALICE:
It was like, you know...

my idea of a man: strong and dominating.

I'll show you our act.

This is what we used to do.

I figure, I don't know,

the bubble dancer didn't show up.

So they called my brother and I.

My brother would enter and walk onstage,

and I'd be behind him...

making the same moves,

so that you couldn't see me from the front.

And then he'd get out and say,

"Usually I do an act with my sister...

"but she didn't show up today."

And then I would....

Then they would laugh again.

-So we'd do it on the other side, right?

-That's a hell of an act.

That's what we did.

That was my start in show business.

ALICE:
And then--

DAVID:
Tough act to follow.

ALICE:
We never got paid for it.

I found out years later...

that people got paid

for being in show business.

When I was 19, I got a job

in this really nice hotel in Monterey.

I would play the piano and sing.

I really liked it there.

That's why I want to go back

and pick up where I left off.

DAVID:
Which do you want?

ALICE:
What do you mean?

Do you want to go home,

or do you want to sing?

I want to do both. Can't I have everything?

-You think they're the same?

-You mean, they're not?

I don't know. That was a while ago.

I have an idea, fella.

DAVID:
I've been getting one myself.

ALICE:
An idea?

DAVID:
Yeah. What's yours?

-I have to show it to you.

-What?

If you come with me into the other room,

I'll show you my idea...

if you'll show me yours.

TOMMY:
Shoot the dog!

Didn't you get it? I'll tell it to you.

In the beginning, the guy's saying:

"What do you want me

to do with the gun?" He doesn't tell him.

Then the guy says, "Shoot the dog."

He says, "Shoot the dog."

He says, "Shoot the dog."

Wait a minute.

Do you see why he said shoot the dog?

Hi, what are you two up to?

-We're gonna go fishing by this--

-By a spring-fed lake by Pittsville.

-A spring-fed lake up by Pittsville.

-We need four cheeseburgers to go.

Okay, four cheeseburgers.

You know what happened today?

ALICE:
Guy up the street got robbed--

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