All About 'Abigail's Party' Page #6

---

- Like to help yourself, Tone?

- Ta.

- Fantastic drink, Bacardi.

- Yeah.

It's a knock-out.

- I started drinking it in Majorca.

- Have you been to Majorca?

- Yeah.

- Whereabouts?

- Palma.

- Not Palma Nova?

- That's right.

- Oh, Tony, isn't it beautiful?

- Yeah.

- Yes.

They drink it very long there

with ice and Coke and lemon and that.

It's my dream to lie on a beach

sipping Bacardi and Coke.

- Have you always had a moustache?

- What do you mean?

- Have you had it for a few years?

- Yes.

- Never thought of having a beard?

- No.

Laurence wouldn't suit a beard.

His face is too small.

Actually, I think a beard can look very scruffy.

(ANGE) Yes...

...but I think a man with a moustache

AND a beard, they look more masculine.

- Sexier, isn't it?

- Has your husband got a beard?

No. No, he used to have,

a long time ago, when I first knew him.

- Why did he shave it off?

- Well, he grew out of it.

- Do you play any instruments, Sue?

- No.

I used to play the piano when I was a child.

- The piano?

- Just a bit.

I once went for guitar lessons

but I never kept them up.

- That's a pity.

- Yes, I've often regretted it.

You know, I think that musicians

and artists are very lucky people.

They're born with one great advantage in life.

Do you know what that is?

Their talent.

They've got something to cling to.

I often wish I'd been born with that sort of talent.

Most people, they just drift through life

without any real aims.

They're weak.

It's no good just sitting there whining.

You've got to get up and do something about it.

Not that it isn't a fight. Of course it is.

Life is a fight.

People, er...

...they always seem to be against you.

Not that I've done badly.

No, no. I've done all right.

But, er...

...certainly an uphill battle.

I once went to a party

and they said, "Can anyone play the piano?"

I said, "Ooh, yes. I can."

And I can't play the piano.

I'd just learnt this one tune from a friend.

It was, # Buy a broom, buy a broom

# Buy a broom and sweep the room #

And that's all I knew.

You see, they wanted me

to play for musical chairs.

So I started, # Buy a broom, buy a broom #

I played it a few times,

- then thought, "I must do something different."

- Yes.

So I started, you know...

- Vamping, type of thing?

- Yes.

But as I can't play, oh, it sounded terrible.

- I felt such a fool.

- Yes.

I thought, "Why did I say I'd play?"

- When was this, Ange?

- It was only when I was eight.

- Oh, I see.

- Yes.

- I still felt a fool, though.

- Yeah.

Would anybody mind if I turn this next track up?

It's my favourite. It's "Forever and Ever".

I'd like us all to hear it. Anybody mind?

(ALL EXCEPT LAURENCE) No.

#... Forever and ever you'll be the one

# That shines on me like the morning... #

- Isn't he great?

- Yes. I know this one.

# Forever and ever you'll be my spring

# My rainbow's end and the song... #

- D'you think he's sexy, Ange?

- Yes.

It's a pity he's so fat.

Yeah, but he doesn't sound it, though,

when you hear him.

It's funny. He's still fantastic, though, isn't he?

#... come true, my consolation... #

- Do you like him, Tone?

- Yeah.

#... and ever... #

Knockout, isn't he?

#... dream

# My symphony

# My own lovers' theme

# Ever and ever, forever and ever

# My destiny

# Will follow you eternally #

Ange...

Imagine making love to this!

You all right, Laurence?

- (STOPS MUSIC)

- Ready, Tony?

- Thank you, Laurence!

- Don't mention it! Ready?

- What for?

- Sue wants us to go and inspect the party.

- Fine. Would you go now, please?

- Really, it's all right.

- Are you coming, Tony?

- I think so.

Well, come on, then!

- I think it would be better if you didn't.

- It's all right. Just walk past your house.

Put your mind at rest.

Don't worry, Sue. Tony will handle it.

Won't be long.

Take care.

- I'm sorry about that.

- That's all right.

- Shall I put the record on again?

- Don't bother, Ange. He's spoiled it now.

- Forget it.

- And you were enjoying yourself.

Yeah. We were all enjoying ourselves,

weren't we?

To be honest,

he's a boring little bugger at times.

Anyway, sod 'im, let's all have

another drink. Come on, Ange.

- Sue?

- No, really.

A little top-up. That's it, lovely.

Tell you what, listen. We'll all get pissed!

- Yeah?

- Yes, we can enjoy ourselves.

- That's it, Ange.

- Cheers.

- Here we are, Sue.

- Thank you.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

Tell you what, Ange.

- Have a cigarette while he's gone. Sod him.

- While he's out.

Here we are. That's it. Lovely.

- I think I'm going to be sick.

- Are you?

Come along, then. That's it.

- Where's the toilet?

- We've got a downstairs one in the hall.

- Hold on a minute.

- Take deep breaths, Sue!

- (SUE COUGHS)

- That's the way.

(ANGE) Bring it all up.

That's it.

- Are you all right, Sue?

- Yes, thank you.

- She still looks a bit pale, doesn't she?

- Yes. I'll take that.

Come and sit down.

That's it. You sit down here.

And your soda water's there. All right?

- Just lean forward a minute. Lean forward.

- That's it. Lean forward, Sue.

- Make you comfy.

- Angela knows.

- Lovely.

- Now, look, Sue,

I've made you a black coffee.

I've made it nice and strong. I haven't put

any milk in it in case that makes you sick again.

Now, will you try and sip that for me, Sue?

It will help to revive you a little bit.

OK?

(MUSIC CONTINUES AT PARTY)

- Sorry about that.

- There's no need to be sorry.

Sue, don't worry.

Let's face it, it could happen to any of us.

Yes, and it's better to happen

while those two are away.

Mmm, definitely, Ange, definitely.

- Vomiting in front of blokes is embarrassing.

- Yes.

- And they're not usually sympathetic.

- No.

Well, I know Tony isn't.

'Cause if I've got a headache

or my period pains, he doesn't wanna know.

In fact, it annoys him.

This is it, you see, Ange.

I reckon a woman,

she needs love and affection from a bloke.

OK, sex is important, but it's not everything.

No. You see, if Tony comes home

and he's in a bad mood, I can't do anything right.

- They pick on you, don't they?

- Is he like that?

- Yes, he's very quick-tempered.

- Mmm.

- I think it's because of his red hair.

- Yeah.

Funny, though, isn't it, Sue?

- Sitting there, he looks so quiet and gentle.

- Yes, he does.

- Is he very violent?

- No, he's not violent.

He's just a bit nasty.

Like the other day,

he said to me he'd like to sellotape my mouth.

No, Ange!

- That's not very nice, is it?

- It certainly isn't, Ange. It certainly isn't.

- Was your husband violent?

- Oh, no, not at all.

She's one of the lucky ones, isn't she?

Definitely, Sue, yeah, definitely.

- Mind you, if Tony wasn't around, I'd miss him.

- Would you?

- Mmm.

- Yeah.

Funny, isn't it?

I suppose I would miss Laurence,

inasmuch as I need a bloke.

Let's face it, we all need a bloke, don't we?

OK, credit where it's due,

he's very good with money.

I mean if I want a new dress, make-up, have

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes