America's Sweethearts

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America first fell in love with|Eddie Thomas and Gwen Harrison...

...in the box-office smash|Autumn with Greg and Peg.

They had the most celebrated marriage|in Hollywood.

Who could forget|how they hit one out of the park...

...in Requiem for an Outfielder?

You can't die, Mike. You can't.

Because I love you.

Justice never tasted so sweet...

...as in The Bench.

I didn't do it. I'm innocent.|Why won't anyone believe me?

-I object, Your Honour!|-You're out of order!

No, you are out of order sir!

I object to the way|my client has been treated.

I object to the fact that I've let|my professional judgment...

...become clouded by my feelings|for my client.

I object to the way the room seems to spin|whenever she walks into it.

I object, Your Honour,|because I love this woman.

Their love opened our eyes...

...in Sasha and the Optometrist.

Read from the top line, Sasha.

"l...

"...L-O-V-E...

"...Y-O...."

Oh.

You.

Dr. Martin!

Eddie Thomas and Gwen Harrison:

America's Sweethearts.

God, they were great. Made my job cake.

I did the press for all their movies, all nine.|Six did over $100 million.

They were on top of the world.

Then she blew it|by taking up with that Spaniard.

-Did you cut this yourself?|-No, Chad in marketing--

Always take credit.|That is survival rule number one.

Okay, I did it on my Mac.

Rule number two:
Don't take credit|until someone actually says they like what you did.

It's not bad.

I hope this isn't too awkward for you.

-I'll never be able to fill your shoes.|-I know.

Kingman's in the screening room and he|wants you to look at something right now.

Please remind Mr. Kingman|that he fired me last week.

Then invite him, at his earliest|convenience, to kiss my undercarriage.

I think you'll wanna see this Lee.

-Hello, Dave.|-Lee.

-Thank you for coming.|-Why am I here?

I'm just confused. I mean, you did actually fire me|last week, so why am I here?

I brought you to see the new Weidmann film.

-Really?|-Yes.

Eddie and Gwen's last movie.|You know their movies better than anybody

Have you seen it? All of it? How is it?

Could you roll that, please.

I want you to be the first to see|what only I have seen. As a friend.

Something wrong?

-Did the film break?|-No.

The film is fine.|I think it's fine, wherever it is.

I spent 86 million dollars...

...of the studio's money...

...on 20 seconds...

...of titles.

That's all he sent me. The titles!

And a note.

"Dave, we could also do these in blue."

-We had to make a Hal Weidmann picture!|-He's won three Oscars. He's a genius.

There's only been one genius|in this business: Seor Wences!

A little lipstick, some hair and his hand!|He had an career for 85 years!

Do you remember?

"S'all right! S'all right!"|Don't talk to me about genius.

-Remember the crazy guy in the woods?|-Ted Kaczynski.

-Who? The guy at Fox?|-The Unabomber.

The Unabomber.|Remember he lived in that little cabin?

So?

Hal Weidmann bought that cabin|from the government...

...and had it moved onto his property.

That is where he edits his movies.

That is his little, twisted...

...sicko office.

It's him. On the phone.

-Who?|-Hal.

I'm going to kill him!|That sick, son-of-a-b*tch bastard.

Put him on the speaker.

Hi, Hal.

How are you, darling?

I've been thinking about you.|I wanted to send you a basket or something.

How's the movie?

-It's finding its way.|-Could it find its way to the studio?

We have a few little things to do with it,|like finish it.

It's finished, Dave.

Great. How is it?

My mother thinks|it's the best thing I've ever done.

-Can I speak with her, Hal?|-No, Dave.

-Can we send someone to pick it up?|-No, Dave.

You haven't said anything about the titles.

I love them. I have no notes.

When's the press junket?

Weekend of the 21st. Why?

'cos I want the press to be first to see it.

I'll bring it to the junket.|We'll all experience it together.

Hal, no. I'm the head of the studio.|I don't experience things with the press.

I'm hanging up now.

Wait! Give me that. Hello?

No, no.

God...

...damn it!

He won't let us see it before the press!

-At the junket?|-Yes, at the junket!

-No, no.|-Lee.

You've got to do this junket.

You want me to set up a junket in 2 weeks,|and you're not sure if you have the film.

-Yes.|-No!

Lee!

Don't make me beg.

-You already are.|-Lee, please.

Please, come on. Lee?

-Danny can handle it.|-No, Lee.

Danny cannot handle it.|It's his first junket.

I need the master. When working|with the press, you're a legend.

I prefer to remain a living legend.

If you won't do it for me,|do it for my father.

You worked together a long time.|You had a real bond.

Your father was a psychotic.

-You spoke at his funeral.|-I loved him. You, I can't stand.

Do this for me. Please.

The studio will go under.|I haven't had a hit in almost two years!

I have the last Eddie and Gwen movie ever made|and I can't get my hands on it!

Tell me what you want.|I'll tell you what I want.

I want only one thing.

If people think Eddie and Gwen|are back together, they'll see the movie.

-Make that happen.|-That'll be easy.

Just make it look like it could happen.

She has a restraining order against him,|and he flipped out.

He's living in some nut hut|in the mountains.

I don't care! I need Eddie and Gwen|back together again, smiling and happy!

-We can sell the sh*t out of it.|-And the Spaniard?

Unless I get a script called|I Schtupped Castro, I don't know.

So, what do you want?

I want the golf cart.

-No, it was a gift from Arnold.|-I'm kidding.

-I can have anything?|-Yeah. Within reason.

I want my job back.

-Don't do this to me--|-Have a great junket. Tell me how it went.

All right. Yes.

If you get Eddie and Gwen back together,|you can have your job back.

-Where are we booked?|-Four Seasons, Beverly Hills.

Cancel. We need to get these people|in the middle of nowhere.

Once they know there's no movie,|they can't escape.

We need a hotel like the one|in The Shining. Isolated.

The new Hyatt in Nevada?|It's in the desert, and it's just opening.

Book it. We have to keep|the press entertained and on the go.

The best junkets are when the press thinks|it's not about the movie, but them.

Program the sh*t out of them:|Cocktail parties, hayrides, circle jerks.

Keep them from remembering they|haven't seen the movie they're to review.

What about gifts?

The movie's about a cop|who travels through time, so I did a gun.

-You're giving press members a gun?|-It's not real.

We'll do a really nice bag.|Call the bag man.

Diamond earrings for the ladies,|money clips for the men.

Chocolate truffles, the best perfume.

I don't want this to be awkward for you...

...but I've got some work to do.

-How will you get Eddie and Gwen there?|-Don't worry. I know somebody.

I love you. I'd do anything for you.|You're just asking an awful lot.

A junket with Eddie|isn't high on Gwen's list of priorities.

No lilies. Take them out.

Yes. I understand.

Yes. Excuse me, hold on.|Could you please put that out?

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