America's Sweethearts Page #4

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She gets a cottage, I get a shitty little suite?

-She has an entourage.|-And me?

You have an entourage?

I'm a paranoid schizophrenic.|I'm my own entourage.

I'll move you.

No, it's not important. I'm grateful.|I'm grateful for this suite.

Greatful for the minibar.|The cottages are probably small anyway.

No, actually, they're...

...tiny.

-Small?|-It's ridiculous.

-Good.|-Should I get some room service?

I'll take some herbs, numb out,|have a shower and go to bed by myself.

-You've been fabulous today.|-What did I do?

Showed up. That's enough for me.|Get some rest, I don't want you puffy.

Oh, no.

Jesus.

-Hey, Steve.|-What?

A guy's whacking it|down near cottage number four.

Oh, that's....

That's disgusting.|I do not want to deal with this now.

Every time I get this shift,|there's always some sicko like this.

I can't catch a break around here.

Sir, I'm sure things are different in Los Angeles...

...but here in Nevada, masturbating in public|is a punishable offence.

-Excuse me. I've been in Las Vegas--|-I was not--

We saw you on our cameras Mr Thomas.

I was pulling out the pricker.

Come on, I'm putting out a fire here.

-I fell into a cactus.|-He fell into a cactus.

That's it. Come on. Unless you usually|arrest those who bump into succulents...

...l suggest we go our separate ways|and call it a night.

We still have to fill out a report. We can't--

Listen. I'm not supposed to do this, but....

I have some really beautiful bags|that are exclusive for the press.

Do you have girlfriends, wives?|We have earrings, real diamonds.

Beautiful, very tasty. Very delicate.

I saw the bags.

They're nice.

Very nice. The highest quality.

-I guess we don't have to file a report.|-I didn't do anything, you morons!

Diet pills. Usually he's like a pussycat.

-All right.|-All right?

Thank you, guys. All right.

Fellas, one other thing.

I need the tape from the security camera...

...just in case something gets out, all right?

Danny will go with you to get the tape.

Okay. Thank you, fellas.|Appreciate it a lot.

Rent-a-cops. You got me on the edge.|I could go either way!

What were you doing there?

I just wanted to look at her again.

I saw her standing by the pool|and she looked so fantastic.

I just miss her.

Oh, no. Don't give me that look.|I know that look. That look means trouble.

Listen. Calm down. Let's go to your room,|put you to bed and stay out of trouble.

-I wasn't getting in trouble!|-No, no, no.

-Just whacking off on a cactus.|-I wasn't doing that!

It looks as if Eddie Thomas|may have to change...

...his middle name to "Peeping"|after an incident tonight at the Hyatt Resort.

This tape from hotel security cameras|clearly shows Thomas...

...in the words of one hotel security|guard, "doing himself a big favour"...

...outside the cottage|where the actor's estranged wife is staying.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

Thomas and company are in town...

...for a press junket|for the new Eddie and Gwen movie.

Sources tell us this latest incident|comes as no surprise...

...given Thomas' delicate mental state|since he split with his wife and co-star.

Any idea what this movie's about?

No. But by the looks of it...

...we're looking at a remake|of Cool Hand Luke.

It was on the news, Lee! He was outside|my cottage doing something not good!

But, Gwen, everybody does it.

I know everyone does it.|That's not the point.

What is going on?

Is he trying to kill me again?

Given the weapon he had in his hand,|I doubt it.

We are luck we're al a Hyatt|People don't kill people at a Hyatt.

Other chains, yes, but the Hyatt, no.

Get some rest.

Somebody has to be beautiful tomorrow.|And I think that somebody is you.

I know.

I have to go.

Good night.

Eddie, I am so pissed off! I have the tape!|They must have had a copy!

Bastards. You know,|everybody's got a price, kid.

Hold on. Just a second.|It's room service. Hold on.

Eddie, hi. No, it's just....|Hold on one second.

Put it over there. That is beluga, right?|Yeah, thanks.

Eddie, we're fine. No, it's all local.|Nothing national.

Plus, they'll issue a retraction tomorrow.

You're fine. Really, there's no damage.

I'm telling you it's just a little blip.

It's what you said. It's in the past.

The beach grass grows towards the sun|in this universe you're grateful for.

You know? Get some rest.

Someone has to look handsome tomorrow,|and I think that someone is you. Okay, Mr. Big Time?

See you in the morning.

-You like Eddie, don't you?|-I love him.

-You leaked the tape.|-Survival rule number three, kid:

You're not here to love anybody.|You're here to promote a movie.

That's it. Period.

You get word your mother died.|Hit by a bus or something.

You go downstairs,|you shed a tear and you say:

"lt's a shame.|She would've loved this movie."

I have to talk to Eddie.|I'm worried about him.

-You do that.|-You go get him for me.

-Me?|-Yes, I have to talk to him tonight.

Otherwise I'll be up all night and I'll look terrible|in the morning. Really puffy.

I don't think....

-I can't.|-Why not?

Because I'm sleeping.|And because I just....

I feel funny getting in the middle of things|with the two of you.

Can't you handle this yourself?

What are you talking about?|I don't handle anything myself.

-Why are you being so difficult?|-I'm not.

I'm only asking for a teensy-weensy favour.|That's all.

Please, Kiki. Please.

Please, please, please, please, Kiki-Kiki-Ki.

Please, Kiki-Ki.

God.

Okay.

Your pillow's better than mine.

Take it.

-Hi.|-Hi.

How are you?

My marriage is sh*t and I make|crappy movies. Otherwise, I'm great.

Eddie, I'm sorry.

-Why is she doing this?|-I don't know.

-I like your movies.|-They're sh*t, come on.

What's going on? Did she say anything?

-What happened?|-I'm shocked. I really am shocked.

-I didn't know anything.|-I know I'm not perfect...

...but I thought we had something.

She wants me to move out.

I know.

He'll sit in my chair,|watch my flat-screen TV...

...walk my dog, sleep in my bed with my....

-It's okay.|-I don't know what happened.

Well, it's not you.

You're a great guy,|and if she can't see that, she's blind.

-You are wonderful.|-I don't feel wonderful.

It'll be okay.

I don't think so.

But thanks for saying that.

Thanks for coming. You're really sweet.

No, you are.

No, you are. You're a good friend.

You're a rock.

Hi.

-Come here.|-Nice to see you.

You, too.

-You look good.|-Misery agrees with me.

-You look good, too.|-Thank you.

You've been getting healthy.|You been lifting a little weights?

Not lifting weights|so much as losing weight.

-You always looked good to me.|-Thanks.

-You want something to drink?|-I'm fine.

Sit down.

It's been too long.|The last time I saw you--

That night. I feel terrible about that.

That was the low point.|I'd found out about Hector and Gwen.

You came to help me out,|I took advantage of the situation.

Talk about bottoming out. I was drunk.|I think I kissed you.

Did I?

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