America's Sweethearts Page #9

---

"You have

"the power to hypnotise me

"Let me

"live 'neath your spell"

You're so good in this.

"...that voodoo

"that you do"

Cut.

Hal! Hal!|Hal, can I get like three minutes?

-Gwen, can I talk to you?|-I'm working.

Yes?

-What's going on with you and him?|-Nothing.

His hands are all over your ass.

My character would've done that|at that point!

-You look like a freaking prostitute!|-Oh, please. Cut it out.

-Don't make a fool of me.|-Cut it out.

I'm watching you every minute.|Do you hear me?

Cut it out.

Do you hear me?

I think Eddie knows.

Knows what?

About me and Hector.

-You said nothing's happening with him.|-Well, something happened.

Do you see that zit?

What the hell is this?

You think I know?

You bastard!

-You see it?|-I'll get something.

I slept with him.

Hector?

-Are you in love with him?|-Oh, come on.

It's not always about love.|Sometimes you just need to get laid.

I tell you, he's hot.

Handsome. He can go for hours.

Just wish he had a bigger,|you know, thingy.

I love this movie.

What do you mean?

It's like a roll of quarters. It's like this.

Well, maybe like this.

I know too much.

I'm going to scream.

-I think it's very entertaining.|-Lee, get over here!

You stop this right now.|I mean I'm gonna sue the studio.

Lower your voice, darling.

-Cut the film.|-Shut up.

Excuse me. Was that deserved?

I think so. You've ruined me.|You've ruined my career.

Look at the screen.|Don't you realize what that is?

That's reinvention. That's birth.

That's life itself. Can't you smell the life?

Pretty soon you'll smell Ira Stern,|my attorney!

-Thank you, Hal.|-Wacko.

The film's new direction caught some of us|a little bit off-guard.

I am shocked. I'm outraged.

There are textures!

Can I just say something, please?

What was said about my penis|is completely false. Completely.

I'm extremely well-hung. I'll submit|to a physical inspection right now.

I knew this film would be misunderstood.

Kubrick was misunderstood. Godard.

I'll kick your ass! Understand that!

-Who are you?|-Who am I?

-I'm the ass-kicker of you!|-Can I defend my father's work?

No. Who's her father?

-Hal.|-No, you cannot!

Let me defend Hector.|I only slept with him once.

His penis is bigger than a roll of quarters.

-You slept with her?|-I did not.

-You slept with her?|-I swear to God! She's lying.

Except for the part about my penis.|That's true. It's bigger than coins.

There will be a law suit.|Legal issues, invasion of privacy.

-I agree.|-Damage to my career!

Yes, yes, I know.

Congratulations.|It's the most honest work I've done.

-I'll work with you again.|-I've a script we can throw out.

-You're wonderful.|-I'll send it to you.

I have an announcement.

I'd like to thank you all.|I'm so happy you're here...

...and all our friends in the press...

...who've been so supportive this last year.

I'm so happy to say:

Eddie and I are getting back together.

So thank you all so, so much.

-What is this bullshit now?|-Be quiet.

This is bullshit.

This morning, Eddie came over to the cottage.

We had breakfast and a heartfelt talk.|Didn't we, honey?

I've wanted to get back|together with Gwen...

...ever since we weren't together anymore.|I've been obsessed about it.

How sweet.

Now that it's happened, I have to say:

I'm amazed, and grateful.

And I agree with Hector that it's bullshit.

Thank you, thank you very much!

-We talked about this.|-We didn't.

-Yes, we did.|-No we didn't.

We did. Don't you love me?

I love the beautiful, bright,|sexy woman up on the screen.

-He loves me.|-The girl I made movies with.

That's not the real you, it's you pretending|to be real, which you're really good at.

In real life, I think I'm with the real you,|but I'm not.

I'd be with the real you here now...

...not the real you from the movies.|I don't want to be with you.

-Why not?|-I just explained it to you.

-You did?|-I don't want to talk about it.

-Not in front of these--|-Why not, Eddie?

You're right. What could I have to say|to you that I don't have to say...

...in front of 300 members|of the international press?

I'll tell you why:|I'm in love with your sister.

Kiki?

-Is this some kind of joke?|-No.

Kiki, could you get over here?

-Why her?|-Oh, why not?

Is it so unbelievable, unfathomable|that a man could love me?

-Not now.|-I think now is the time.

You just wait for me!

Can I say something?

-Yes.|-No!

Okay, one nut at a time.

You're my sister. I love you.

And it's important to me that you know nothing happened|between me and Eddie until last night.

I somehow feel so much better|about you stealing my husband.

Ex! Ex-husband.|And I didn't steal anything.

You've been shacked up for the past year|with Ricky Ricardo.

I am just tired of making excuses.

I am done picking up dirty clothes.

I am done pretending...

...that your life is my whole life.

I'm just.... I'm done.

So what you're really worried about|is you, right?

Yes.

Well, I guess you're fired.

Honey.

You know all I care about|is your happiness.

That's sweet--

So, don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

-You're unbelievable.|-Shut up.

Next? What can I do for you?

I know I shouldn't have said that|in front of everybody, but....

For the last year, I've tried to find clarity.

All of a sudden I am so clear it's ridiculous.

I want to be with you.

When did you make this decision?

The moment I thought I'd lost you.

-Damn it.|-What?

That was good.

No, this is crazy.|Eddie, this isn't going to work.

Listen to me.

I'm grateful for you.

In all the world,|the thing I'm most grateful for...

...is you.

If that's a line from one of your movies--

That one's mine.

What do we do now?

Traditionally, we kiss.

Yeah?

Give her some room. Thank you.|Step back, please.

Easy.

I'm on pain medication...

...that makes me say things|I'd never say otherwise.

Just to set the record perfectly straight...

...Eddie and I never had|any plans to reconcile.

And?

And Hector is very well-endowed.

Almost too well-endowed. You know?|I've had complaints. Literally.

-What are you doing?|-Packing.

-Let me help you with that.|-No, that's okay.

That's.... No, really, folding!

No arguments.|Let somebody help you for once.

There you are.

That was unbelievable.

That was just amazing|That was like a movie with a stage show.

If you all would tour with the film,|we'd make a fortune.

And your sister, Kiki, she's unbelievable.

This is really remarkable.

The entire country has voted her|off the island but, no! She's back!

I've never seen anything like it.

They like the movie. The press actually likes this crazy movie!|They call it The Blair B*tch Project!

But the best news is you two.|Do you want to have a drink or something?

-We're on our way out.|-Where you going?

We don't know.|Isn't that great?

Once in a while, good things happen.|All right, I'll see you.

There's a car waiting,|you won't have to deal with the press.

But I'll need you! We got a lot to do!

This one's going to work!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes