Any Given Sunday

This does not look good.

Cap Rooney, three-time league MVP...

...and Coach Tony D'Amato's star

...and not moving.

Don't you see he's hurt?

-Did you see that?

-That hurts.

Every Shark fan has a sickening

feeling in his stomach.

Let's look at this again.

Cap Rooney is down and in pain.

Get me Vincent.

Riggman makes a beautiful move

over Julian Washington.

Which frees up Watson up the middle.

Look at Gates on the backside.

Who's on weak side safety?

Stop showing that.

We'll return with Cap's condition

after a word from our sponsors.

-They cut to a commercial.

-I think I broke my back!

My butt!

Damn it! F***!

-Where's it hurt?

-Where you're touching it!

Candy-ass, no-blocking b*tches!

Suck it up, Cap.

Can't breathe.

Neither can l.

It's the humidity.

Should we get a stretcher?

Do I have to get a stretcher?

You that old?

Wait! Wait!

I should, but you just

bled on my suit.

There goes history.

That's the real deal there.

Thirty-nine-year-old Cap Rooney...

...two-time Pantheon Cup winner,

almost 50, 000 passing yards...

...now to be replaced

by the second-string quarterback.

All right, nice and easy.

We're up. See? 21 -1 7.

Just hold on. Steady.

Where's my helmet?

Get him his helmet.

You'll need that, Tyler.

I'm not really sure how D'Amato's

going to get over this one, Kev.

Way to hold that football, kid.

Take it easy. Don't worry.

We're gonna finish this one

without you.

With three losses and three games

until the playoffs...

...this could spell the end

to an already dismal season.

Attendance is down,

while the Dolphins have prospered.

Bad-coaching-dot-com.

That's Tony's web site.

Horny, your zone coverage is soft.

Press it.

Get that out of my face. Shark! We

need more pressure on the quarterback.

-I'm on it, coach.

-Go fix it.

-I said fix it!

-I'm on it, goddamn it!

This'll put the Sharks' playoff hopes

on the shoulders of Julian Washington.

Backup quarterback Tyler Cherubini

has not seen a lot of action.

Cherubini has not thrown

for a first down all season.

Fumble!

Oh, my gosh! Touchdown!

The Americans go up, 23 to 21.

Man, oh, man!

Did they nail him!

It doesn't look like

Cherubini's getting up.

F***!

Two quarterbacks in a row.

I have not seen this since '88.

Or '78? When the Aztecs

and the Pharaohs lived.

Any given Sunday,

anything can happen.

They need you back.

Cherubini's down.

Did he fall off the bench?

What the hell's next? Stigmata?

Sit him out and don't touch him

till I get back.

Give me the names of players

in the quarterback market.

How about every available line coach?

Somebody who can teach this line

how to f***ing block.

Malloy. Find out about him.

Cap's out.

Man, I can't believe it.

Do you know Willie Beamen?

No, I don't.

Who is Willie Beamen?

Beamen! What are you doing?

-I told you to warm up 5 minutes ago!

-What happened?

Look at your f***ing play card!

It's upside down!

Get your head out of your ass!

Beamen, you're up.

Left Deuce Zig 22 Tomcat.

You know what that is?

Easy handoff to Julian.

The Americans got no profile on you.

You surprise them.

Look at me!

You're gonna do fine.

You hold it all inside. There.

Stay focused.

Okay? Stay there.

Willie, can you hear me?

As we await word

on Cap's condition...

...Miami is sending in third-string

quarterback Willie Beamen.

I've been in too many of these.

Twenty-six years old, a mystery man.

In his fifth year. He went

to the University of Houston.

Firs t year with the Sharks.

He's seen four teams in his career.

All right, listen up.

We're gonna run

Left Deuce Zig 22 Tomcat.

What's the snap count?

Beamen, make the call!

You all right?

That's a first.

F***! You puked on the logo!

I got to get in a 3-point stance

in your vomit, n*gger?

Set on two. On two. Ready?

Look at me.

I'll be the next to knock you up.

Buckle up! It's gonna be

a long day today.

Set!

Get used to that! I'll be picking

peanuts out of your ass!

First down!

Change the play. Audible.

Change the play!

Check it! Check it!

Red 70 Blackstar!

Red 70 Blackstar!

Where'd you dream that up, rook?

-Red what?

-What the f*** is that?

Looks like an audible.

Looks like a broken play.

Goddamn it!

Does he know any of these plays?

The guy knows the basic package,

but he's only taken a few snaps.

What's a Red 70 Blackstar?

There is no such f***ing play!

I just figured that out, J.

But there should be one.

It's the future of the team.

Blue 88! Blue 88!

Unless you gonna kiss me,

get your hand off my ass!

That's what your girl told me

last night!

Hurry! Hurry up!

He 's letting it go!

Interception!

Intercepted by Gates!

This kid 's been moving too fast.

He's way ahead of his receiver.

He's nervous.

And it's Minnesota 24

and Miami 21 at the half.

Try an enema.

What do I give a sh*t?

When this corner's coming up

I want you to drop back.

We got a third-string quarterback

that won't produce sh*t.

When I'm talking about defense,

you're dumb enough, we made it simple.

We made this sh*t real f***ing simple.

I was lightheaded at kickoff. Now I'm

one-foot-in-the-f***ing-coffin stage.

A couple quarts low.

You need an oil change, Madman.

Then why are my legs

one big f***ing knot?

I need some Vicodin.

I need some cyclobenzaprine--!

Put that on your nose.

Harvey, could I speak to you?

Cap's losing ankle strength.

You examined him?

Ollie, you're one of the few

relatives I can stomach...

...but you're the internist.

I'm the orthopedist, remember?

Bone, muscle, joint, me.

Runny nose, diarrhea, pinkeye, you.

Got it? Thanks.

Bad news, Cap. You're okay.

It's just a bruise.

No ribs broken.

Your back film's normal.

Something is definitely wrong here.

My butt is killing me!

I'll send you over for an MRI.

Doc, pull the pipes, man!

Doc, I got to go, man!

Call of the wild!

-Out of my way!

-Sharks football: Whatever it takes!

Place-kicker, out of the way!

I'm taking a dump, unless you want

to be in a shitstorm!

Don't bend your elbows.

Whatever. Do what you gotta do!

Sit down! Listen up!

Who are you throwing to? The receiver?

Or you got some other sh*t on your mind?

We just lost two goddamn quarterbacks...

...in one half of football...

...because our line...

...couldn't pick up a backside bandit

on max protection!

All week long we work on the calls.

Over, over, over again!

You are not f***ing focused!!

McKenna, what are you doing?!

Keep your head on a swivel!

Slide out there! Pick up that robber!

Roll up those outside linebackers!

Know your site adjustments.

Understand?

Sanderson and Fox

will break off their routes...

...but you gotta be there and deliver.

Two turnovers in one half!

Defense!

This is what we gotta do here.

I don't know.

You gotta do something out there.

You gotta make it happen.

You gotta stop flying around the ball!

Tackle somebody!

Don't let these guys

chew up the clock on us.

When we put eight in a box,

you gotta jam those receivers!

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