Asperger's Are Us Page #8

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composed of people on

the autism spectrum.

- So if we're not funny,

blame it on Ethan's disability.

- I was born with no soul.

- We came up with this

totally original new show,

and we're gonna debut

it for you tonight.

Enjoy the show!

- It sucks 'cause you

guys forgot your lines,

but it looks like I forgot mine.

- It's okay, it worked.

That was really good.

Son, come in here!

- Yes, dad?

- It's here.

It's finally here!

Your big day,

the day we've been waiting for

your whole life!

It's finally here!

- What big day?

- It's your funeral!

- What?

- Yay!

All our friends and

family are gonna be there,

and they're gonna

say, "Yay, Ethan!

"We miss him!"

- Dad,

have I been bad?

- Of course not!

Look over there, do you see it?

- Yeah?

- It's your grave!

It says, "Ethan, 2006-2013.

"He walks with God now."

And do you see next to it?

- Uh-huh.

- It's your brothers'

and sisters' graves!

Here, it's time to

give you your gifts.

Here, just go on back

into the fireplace,

they're in the back there,

you love wood, and

and kerosene and old

newspapers, right?

- Dad, it's cold back here!

- Oh, it'll be warm soon.

- Dad, I'm scared,

why are you doing this?

- To teach you fire safety.

Get out of there, son.

Have you learned your lesson?

- Yes, I promise I'll never

play with matches again.

- If only your

brothers and sisters

had been this receptive

to my teachings.

- Oh, I hope the

president gets here soon.

This is the biggest scandal

since I don't know when.

- 1884?

- Yeah, maybe that Maria

Haplin thing.

- Oh yeah, the

Maria Haplin scandal

with Grover Cleveland.

I, this might be

bigger than that.

- Yeah.

- I think the president's

coming in now.

- Thank you all for coming.

I believe we all know why I've

called this press conference,

so let's get right

to the questions.

Yes, sir.

- Why did you decide

to marry a train?

- I wanted to make an

honest train out of her.

- Have you thought

about the possibility

of having kids?

- I just hope

that if we do have kids,

they'll be more

like their mother

who's always on time,

and not like their father,

who is delayed.

Next question.

- So,

how's your sex life?

- I assume it's just

like anyone else's.

I'll go into her and ride

her to a wonderful place.

- Oh, like uh, like uh,

South Station?

- Are you a pervert?

North Station!

- First of all,

yes, I am a pervert.

- Thank you for your honesty.

Oh, you've gotta be kidding me!

Sometimes you just gotta

get your hands dirty!

- Husband not home.

- Uh-huh.

- Do you need

help?

- I understand.

I can appreciate how women

are trying to break into

the plumbing business.

- Noah Britton claims

he's good at basketball.

- You get one shot.

- Hoops!

- Looks like you dropped

the ball on this one.

- I wish there were a better

way to test razor blades!

- I'm so excited

that we're finally gonna

get to see Elton John!

- Elton, ladies and gentlemen!

Ladies and gentlemen,

ladies and gentlemen!

Ladies and gentlemen!

Stay away from danger!

There's danger over

there, don't go there!

- I don't think this

is really Elton John.

- I see no one doing any chores.

I blame you.

- Fine, Condescending Man.

I'll check!

I'll check.

- Great idea,

Train Schedule Man.

I like it!

- No problem!

After all, the train is

the best way to travel!

- Shut up!

The bus is the

best way to travel!

We will ride the number

one out of Newburyport,

and transfer in Lynn

to the number 47!

- Bus Schedule Man!

My arch-nemesis!

- You just relax.

- Okay, yeah, thanks

Condescending Man.

- You're welcome.

I'm glad we had

this little chat.

- Uh-huh, yeah.

- And Gandhi, for

being so brave,

you get a gold star.

- Is there any way I

can get a teal star?

Just cause I don't

really like gold.

I mean, I'll take

a gold one, but...

- You take what you can get,

and you shut up!

- Maybe I'll shapeshift

shapeshift later for you guys.

- Cleaning Woman!

Bear Man is dead!

- Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you all!

- New Michael.

- What?

- I just want to

congratulate you.

- Well thanks, Dad.

- I think you did an

excellent, excellent job.

Honestly.

- Thanks.

Let's switch sides.

- Switch sides?

- Yeah.

This hand's,

the hand shown's the

more dominant one.

Good job.

- Thanks.

- Such a great kid.

- I did not expect

it to be like,

they're surprising me.

If I knew they were there,

I would not have acted as well.

And it was nice,

it was nice that I didn't

know until the very end,

and you know, they all liked it.

I think my dad just enjoyed

seeing me act on stage and

seeing me be successful.

Genuinely is proud of me,

so that's nice.

That will probably make

the documentary, for sure.

Maybe it won't, I don't know.

Those are the kind of

squishy moments you look for.

Squishy.

- Tonight's show was good,

and it's nights like

this after a late show

when everyone else is like,

"I'm partying, I don't

know what I'm doing,

"it's Friday night,

I'm partying."

And I'm like, going to

celebrate by going home

by myself.

This is the first time

I've gone on a driving tour

in two years.

I absolutely do need

to know that what

I'm doing is working.

Not just for its own sake,

but there's definitely

some aspect of

needing love as a human,

but also, you know, insecurity

at work.

You know, when I was 12,

I was like, "What's the best

way to get constant approval

"and attention from everyone?"

Oh, I'll be a rock star.

Perfect.

And and I was a

natural, so that helped.

I gotta go.

I gotta go on tour.

- Books,

The Bible and the Complete

Works of William Shakespeare.

Toiletries, toothbrushes six,

toothpaste five tubes,

towels two,

warm, waterproof jacket.

- You're really

taking your sombrero?

- Yes.

- How are you packing that?

- I'm gonna wear

it on the plane.

- Hmm.

- You don't put things in

suitcases on hangers, do you?

- No.

- Typically not.

- Okay.

Not a very good packer.

It's been a wonderful journey,

but I'm definitely gonna

have a lot of moments

when I miss them, when I

miss talking to somebody

who's on my own wavelength.

I'm not gonna have any,

probably any Aspies to talk to

while I'm in England.

That's gonna be really tough.

- These guys are

probably my best friends.

So, I don't really have

anything bad to say.

- We wanted to do

something different,

and we did, and I'm glad we did.

It was more fun doing

something different.

That's what being

an artist is, to me,

is making new things.

I can imagine my Wikipedia page,

opening paragraph,

maybe it would say,

"New Michael the comedian."

But maybe some day

it'll also say,

"New Michael the entrepreneur,

"comedian, writer,

director," who knows?

Maybe like the last sentence,

"And also has,

"and also was diagnosed

with Asperger's syndrome."

That's how I imagine it.

- This past autumn,

I went crazy over pumpkin spice

and like everything

autumn-related.

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