Auntie Mame

"I, Edwin Dennis,

being of sound mind and body...

...do hereby bequeath to my only son,

Patrick, all my worldly possessions.

In the event of my demise, I direct

Norah Muldoon to deliver Patrick...

...to my sister, Mame Dennis,

at 3 Beekman Place, New York City.

His expenses shall be supervised

by Mr. Dwight Babcock...

...acting for

the Knickerbocker Bank...

...with the power

to keep my crazy sister...

...from doing anything too eccentric

and bringing him up to be like her.

Since I am in splendid condition

through workouts at the Brokers Club...

...I am confident that these provisions

won't go into effect for years.

I hereby affix my hand this fourteenth

day of September, in the year 1928."

You've been reading it for a week.

Why bring it to New York?

It's the only way I can believe it.

Besides, your Aunt Mame may like it as

a remembrance of your sainted father.

Don't you be going by way of

the North Pole. We're not greenhorns.

- That's 95 cents.

- Here's a dollar. Keep the change.

It's like the ladies' restroom

in the Oriental Theater.

You're not scared, are you, Norah?

Of course not! And don't you be, child.

Norah's here to look after you.

Saints alive!

- You want?

- Is this the residence of Mame Dennis?

Mame Dennis. Oh, yes!

I'm Norah Muldoon.

I'm bringing Dennis to his aunt.

Oh, you come in. You wait. I fetch.

Madam having affair now.

Isn't he wonderful?

Help is on the way, darlings.

That adorable bootlegger is

on his way with a gallon of gin.

Oh, Allen, darling!

Edna, I called you yesterday.

- Hello, Mame.

- I'll be with you in a minute.

- Vladimir, what are you doing here?

- Drinking myself to death, of course.

Besides, I'm your guest of honor.

Of course! You must hear

his new symphony, the pastorale.

It has real airplane motors

and live sheep. It's devastating.

You've met our guest of honor,

Vladimir Klinkoff? Miss...

Mrs. Klinkoff.

Yes, of course. Then you've met.

Oh, Perry!

Doris, now where are you off to?

Everyone's going to Clifton's.

It's nearly 7.

Give Clifton my love.

I'll be right over...

Oh, dear. The employment bureau didn't

tell me you were bringing a child.

He looks nice. If he misbehaves,

we can toss him in the river.

Please let us escape

from this den of criminals.

Doctor, get this woman

on your couch in a hurry!

I'm not that kind of a woman.

I'm looking for a Miss Mame Dennis.

- Ito! lto!

- Yes, missy.

Show this woman to the kitchen,

start her on glasses.

- This not dishwashing lady.

- Then I must have invited you. A drink?

I'm Norah Muldoon. Didn't you get

my telegram saying we'd arrive at 6:00?

No, your telegram said October 1.

That's tomorrow. This is September 31.

No, 'tis the first,

curse the evil day.

Everybody knows 30 days has

September, April, June and...

But, darling, I'm your Auntie Mame!

Quiet, everybody. I have an

important announcement to make.

This is my little boy!

He's not really my little boy.

He's my late brother's son.

My only living relative. That's all we

have, just each other, my little love!

Well, what am I going

to call you, dear?

- Pat. Patrick Dennis.

- I know the Dennis part.

And from now on, you must call me

Auntie Mame. Well, well, well, now.

Would you like a mar...? No.

Is it your bedtime? No, it can't be.

The powder room?

Food, food! That's it! You must be

famished. Come right along with me.

Take your shoes off, darling.

It's like removing your hat in America.

Before sukiyaki,

a little hors d'oeuvre.

- Could I try some of that jam?

- Jam?

- That blackberry jam?

- Of course.

Actually, it's sort of a fishberry jam.

It's called caviar.

Now, some pickled octopus,

raw fish tails...

- It's salty, but I like it.

- Good. You have wonderful taste.

Vera!

Vera, this is my little boy.

Patrick, I want you to meet a star.

A great lady of the theater

and my dearest friend, Vera Charles.

- Hello!

- How do you do?

She just loves little boys.

- Who's he?

- That's a Lithuanian bishop.

Doesn't speak a word of English.

Stimulating man! Oh, Your Grace.

He's a darling and so worldly

for a man of God.

Everything in the universe is composed

of the elements of Aristotle.

Thus man is fire, dust and air

mingled with water.

Acacius, darling,

this is my nephew Patrick.

This is Mr. Page, dear.

That means "Know thyself."

Mr. Page is an educator.

He runs a school where

they do advanced things.

You think you might

find room for Patrick?

For him, yes! In this boy,

I see already the fire, dust and air.

Add water and stir.

Would you want to go there?

- Do they wear uniforms?

- At my school, we wear nothing.

It's heaven! lt'll stimulate

his psyche and stir up his libido.

- What's libido?

- It's perfectly simple. It...

I'll tell you what we'll do.

Every time you hear a word you don't

understand, dear, write it down.

Later, I will explain it.

- I'm off, Mame.

- Lindsay! Lindsay, this is Patrick.

Patrick, I want you to meet

Lindsay Woolsey, the publisher.

- Circulate, darling. Circulate!

- New man in your life?

Little Patrick!

Guess I won't see much of you.

We'll go to the zoo,

the aquarium, the Philharmonic.

We'll be together constantly,

the three of us!

That's exactly what I had in mind.

- Good night, Mame. Thanks.

- Watch it, Phyllis.

- Some party!

- So good of you to come.

You played beautifully.

I can't thank you enough.

Goodbye, Mrs...

Of course.

There you are, my little love.

Come here with your Auntie Mame

and sit down a minute.

We'll really get to know each other.

Well, now, read me all the words

you don't understand.

"Libido, inferiority complex,

stinko, blotto...

...free love, bathtub gin...

...monkey glands, Karl Marx."

Is he one of the Marx Brothers?

No, dear.

She last pretty good tonight.

Marie Antoinette room again?

Yes. Perhaps she'll wake up

without a head.

- Get that dog of a dress off her.

- Me tuck her in.

Is the English lady sick?

She's not English.

She's from Pittsburgh.

- She sounded English.

- She has to do something.

Now, where were we?

"Narcississistic, Lysissistrata...

...cubism, squiffed,

neurotic, heterosexual."

My, what an eager mind!

You won't need these words for months.

Your vocabulary needs work.

Didn't your father talk to you?

- I only saw him at breakfast.

- What did he say then?

He usually said, "Pipe down, kid.

The old man's hung."

That's succinct.

What did you do in Chicago for fun?

Norah took me to the movies

every Saturday afternoon.

I played Parcheesi with the doorman,

until he got fired.

Didn't they do anything cultural

for you? Well, never mind!

Your Auntie Mame will open doors

for you.

Doors you never even dreamed existed.

What times we'll have!

Now, what on earth did I do

with that will?

Now, it's here someplace.

Here we are!

Now, "Get mahjong lesson, hair done."

That can't be it. Yes, it is it!

Oh, dear. This is a legal document.

A lot of folderol about

the Knickerbocker Bank...

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