Babysitter's Black Book Page #3

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- Hey!

Canned cheese is

so much better.

So much better.

Agh.

Amazing.

Hey, how'd it go?

My interviewer had

amazing internships

and already has, like, three

job offers when he graduates.

That's awesome.

Come in.

I think I did pretty well.

He loves Family Buddies.

I can do this.

I mean, I'm terrified.

And the kids here

are way above me.

And if I don't

get a scholarship,

I don't have a prayer.

But I--I could see myself

here, thanks to you.

Oh, hey.

I just--I would never have

the guts to do this on my own.

You're happy?

Absolutely.

This is for you.

What?

It's for all your hard work.

Well, I haven't

worked hard yet.

Oh, you will.

Trust me.

Oh.

Mark, I--this is just...

Well, try it on.

Now?

Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

Wow.

You look stunning.

Yeah?

Phew.

Ready to rock and roll?

Sure.

The guy recites poetry

while we're doing it.

I swear I had to

put my hand over his

mouth just to shut him up.

I--look, I told Jack

it's 750 for tonight.

So close your eyes and

dream of the bank roll.

Ugh.

Can you do that?

Okay. But any poetry,

and I am out.

Rain, rolling

down my window

Put a wrench

in everything I had today

And so I cancelled

all my plans

I'm gonna find a new

solution right away

When I'm down

head under water

To ease my woes

I sing out my sins with

the ones I love the most

You can find me

at the soul shop

Where my daddy

taught me how to rock...

Let's get out of here.

Hey, wake up,

sleepyhead.

We gotta get back.

I can't believe

we did this.

Linda is amazing to me.

She's like a second mom.

Listen, Linda's great.

I love Linda,

and I always will.

So what are we doing?

You want the Oprah answer?

The truth is we're more

friends than lovers now.

The magic's kinda gone.

Hey.

Hey, stop worrying so much.

Hmm?

You know what

I'm thinking about?

Hmm?

I can guess.

I'm thinking about your

first day at Pressman.

You're meeting new friends,

picking classes,

living away from home

for the first time.

You know what you

won't be thinking about?

What?

Room and board, tuition.

I am taking care

of everything.

You're my girl.

I got you covered.

Strong SAT scores.

You'll probably

be valedictorian.

I think applying to Pressman

is a fine idea, as long

as you don't forget

your safety schools.

My family, um, can't help.

So I'll be working

my way through college.

Pressman can help

with that.

They have excellent

financial aid packages.

You think I have a chance?

Just don't set your

heart on one place.

I've seen too many broken

hearts walk out these doors.

Um, what put that smile

on your face?

Guidance counselor love.

Cheap thrills.

Okay. You guys are

killing me.

Did you rip off

Rihanna's closet?

I'm starving.

Let's grab Gilli

and hit the caf.

Yeah, right.

High school heartthrobs are

a depreciating asset.

Since when, two weeks ago?

Since she studied

the market and realized

the value of her goods.

Is this National Slut Day

and I didn't get the memo?

Obviously not.

Or else you wouldn't be

hiding that gorgeous bod.

I think Rachel and Janet just

had sex with Rob Pattinson.

Okay. Cafe.

Let's go.

You guys are a billboard

for something.

What is up?

You are too young

and too pure.

Oh, you'd be surprised.

Liar. I may be a virgin, but

I have a wild artistic soul.

So spill.

Really?

You guys are gonna go all

secret agent on me now?

It's not like I don't tell

you my deepest and darkest.

Oh, what the hell?

Let's corrupt

their virgin ears.

After all, we

are Family Buddies.

Let's just say I've

introduced a hot new

Family Buddies' product.

What's that?

Us.

I don't get it.

Oh, my God.

At first he'd just

buy me stuff.

Then he asked if

I'd rather have cash.

It's a win-win.

Are all the dads

into this, even Mr. Lozlo?

- No!

- Okay.

It's just a few

that we know of.

But they have friends.

Friends.

I used to love coming here

when we were little.

Remember?

Oh, I remember.

You would swing so high,

you'd scare the hell out of me.

Don't you feel guilty

about Roger's wife and kids?

Well, I don't--I don't

feel great about it.

But it's his problem,

not mine.

Yeah.

I don't know

Jack's wife and kids.

Ew. I could not imagine

sleeping with strangers

for money.

Okay. It is not that different

from banging high school boys,

except the sex

is way better.

And, plus, we get paid.

I'll just quit after

graduation and get to college

a much hotter lover

for my true boyfriend.

And, remember, no college guys

want to sleep with virgins.

I'd--if you want in,

there are other dads.

No.

Ash, could put a dent

in that Pressman tuition.

Mm-mm.

Can't deal.

Sorry.

Oh, God, it's not like

we're walking the streets.

We got enough food to wait

out a nuclear attack.

If you feel like we're being

watched, I can take them down.

They're still in here.

This really how you want

to spend our time? Hmm?

We can dance again if you like,

make love until we pass out.

Oh, so the food

is just for show?

No.

No, we could eat before,

after, during if you like.

That sounds gross.

So do a lot of things

until you try them.

It's what you want,

isn't it, experience?

Or is it just tuition?

I adore you.

You know that.

Prove it.

Come on.

Go, go, touchdown.

That's right.

Hey.

You look great.

Chemistry.

Valance is a measure of

how many chemical bonds

can be formed by an element.

Daniel, what is valance?

Uh, it's the, uh,

irresistible attraction

one element has for another.

Oh, actually,

it's typically the number

of electrons needed

to fill the outermost

shell of an atom.

I think it's when two electrons

who have been friends

for ages suddenly

get a different charge

and decide to pump up

the electricity.

And how would they do that?

Ash, do you want to go to a

party with me this weekend?

You know I've never really been

to high school parties, right?

That's about to change.

Yours, Jeff.

I have since fifth grade.

Whoa.

When I was on

the cover of "Today's

Cheerleader Magazine,"

he couldn't

get enough of me.

He snuck through my window

when my parents were downstairs.

We had to be so quiet

while we did it.

Who are you?

Do I know you?

I know, right?

I kinda surprised myself.

So you and Daniel,

is it a thing?

We'll see.

I had a really

good time tonight.

Me too.

It's all that chemistry.

Hmm.

Good night, Daniel.

Oh.

Those are gorgeous.

Who are they from?

A boy I met last night

at the party.

You must have made

quite an impression.

You like

the orchids I sent?

They were okay.

Where were you last night?

I tried your cell

over and over.

I went to a party.

With a guy?

No.

Yes.

What difference

does it make?

You have sex with him?

God, Mark, no.

What even gives you

the right to ask that?

I just don't want you

having sex with other people.

You are married.

You don't get to say that.

Oh, if I'm paying

for Pressman,

I'll say whatever

I damn well please. Okay?

Wow. Wow.

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