Baked in Brooklyn Page #4

Take those little pictures

of friends

Hanging on your wall

- Hey.

- Hi.

- I got a new bike.

- Yeah, I can see that.

- What do you think?

- It's nice.

That's really nice.

Cool.

- I got you something too.

- I'm excited.

- I got you--

- Oh!

- The inedible candy

that you love so much.

- I love it.

- Yeah?

- Thank you.

- I have a distinct recollection

of you eating

that the night we met,

and it was, like, really hard

for you to eat, so you kind

of looked weird,

which was weird

because usually you're

so cool and casual.

But that night, it was, like,

the opposite

of smoking a cigarette.

- [laughing]

Thank you.

That'll be gone in a week.

- Gross.

Here, get on.

- No, I can't get on.

- Yeah, yeah, for sure you can.

- No my skirt--it's, like,

not conducive for bike riding.

It's really--I can't--look.

- Okay, just--

- [laughs] I can't.

- Just side-saddle it.

- What do you mean?

- Just, like, sit here but,

like, face there.

- But how is it gonna work?

Am I gonna die?

- Just sit.

Do you trust me?

- Yeah, this is fun.

- Yeah, what do you think?

- It's nice.

My feet were hurting.

- Oh, good.

This is your chariot.

- Why is it so nice, though?

Why'd you get

such an expensive one?

- Well, at the risk

of sounding tautological,

I prefer to think of it

as my, like, investment

in my business, you know?

- [laughs] Okay.

- I'm gonna write it off

my drug dealer taxes.

- [laughs]

[calm acoustic guitar music]

This place is cool.

You live here?

- Don't ask me personal sh*t.

- Oh, yeah, right, sorry.

- My dad's the super.

- Oh, cool.

- So you want Blueberry Haze

or California Sunset?

- Same price?

I'll take Blueberry Haze then.

Does it have, like,

blueberry plant DNA,

like, spliced

into it or something?

- No, B, the name's

are all bullshit.

Wake up.

You should reconsider

because the California Sunset's

from Cal--

[footsteps approaching]

Yo, that seat is hot, man.

You said got

some new tires on it?

How you like them?

- Oh, yeah, no, they're nice.

They're gator skins.

My old ones were starting

to get worn down

and weren't gripping

the road right,

and all it takes

is one accident, you know?

So you got to be careful,

but I think I want to put

a lighter crank set on it too.

I think that's gonna

be my next move.

- You picked that up

quick, man.

- Thanks.

- All right, I got to go, man.

For real, though,

how do you ride

this thing, man?

I mean, why?

No brakes, no helmet.

You can't even control

the sh*t.

- Oh, man, I can't imagine not

riding fixed gear anymore,

and I control it as well

as I can control a regular bike

with regular brakes.

You know, all you do is,

like, stop your feet,

and that's how you stop moving.

It's kind of hard to imagine

if you hadn't ridden one before,

but all it takes is a little bit

of practicing,

like zooming around traffic,

like--

You know, it's almost like

you're connected to the road,

and, like, there's just

nothing like it, you know?

I think honestly

for some people it can be,

like, a spiritual thing,

and obviously also there are

some mechanical advantages too,

but that's not why

I ride it, you know?

- Damn, brah,

I didn't want a f***ing sermon.

Let me ride it.

- Okay, you got it?

Just peddle.

- Yeah, I got it.

- Yeah.

- Whoa.

- Slow down, slow down.

Just stop peddling,

stop--just stop peddling.

No, keep--

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're f***ing crazy, B.

I don't know

how to stop this thing.

- It gets easier.

- Want no part of that sh*t.

- I've never seen your face

like that.

[laughs]

Hey.

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Hey.

- How are you?

- Good.

What's up?

- Nothing; I have, like, 15

new customers or something,

so it's kind of crazy.

- Oh, that's awesome.

- Yeah, I think

it's--I think it's awesome.

- Yeah.

- I'll see you in a bit.

- Oh, you're leaving?

- Yeah, I got to go,

but I'll see you tonight, okay?

- Okay.

both:
Bye.

- Oh, slow down, chief.

You want winner?

My ice cream's, like, melting.

- No, seriously I can't.

I got deliveries, but thanks.

- Dude, you're a weed dealer,

not an ambulance driver.

They're not gonna give a f***

if you're 15 minutes late.

- I guess we'll never know.

[bright acoustic guitar music]

- Wow.

- Did you know...

- Yeah?

- That the restaurant

Red Lobster invented

the dish shrimp scampi?

- Really?

- Yeah, in, like,

the 1970s,

it didn't exist,

and then they just invented it.

- Okay, good one.

- Okay.

- Did you know that Taco Bell

invented the hard shell taco?

- No, is that true?

- That is completely 100% true,

and did you know

that Au Bon Pain invented bread?

- Wait, that one sounds

like it's probably not true.

- It is true.

- The word "pain" does--

- My French is not so good.

- Well, lucky for you,

mine is excellent, so...

- D'accord.

Do you even understand

what that means?

- No, but it's very sexy.

- Thank you.

- You can continue

to speak French for me

at any and all times.

- I speak a little French.

We should go to Paris,

and I should try it out.

- Let's go right now.

[lively piano music]

- Surprise!

[cheers and applause]

- Birthday!

- Thank you guys so much.

Hey!

- My man.

Happy birthday.

- What's up?

Totally fooled.

[indistinct chatter]

- Hi, friends.

all:
Hi.

- I was so nervous I'd run

into one of you on the way in,

but it worked out, so...

- It totally worked out.

- I was nervous.

- It's amazing.

I don't know how you guys--

I don't know how you did this.

- I did it.

I pulled it off.

- Thank you.

- The birthday boy.

[all exclaim]

- Happy birthday!

- Whoo!

- Hey.

- Hey, this is amazing.

Thank you so much.

- What's going on

with you, though?

Are you okay?

You're, like, half dead.

- Oh, it's just I actually took

two of your clonazepams

before we came, so I just need

to get some food in my stomach.

- I don't have any more

clonazepam.

What are you talking about?

- Yeah, you do.

I know it was

on the night stand.

- David, that was zolpidem.

Did you really take that?

- When you did start taking

a sleeping pill?

- When you started coming home

at 5:
00 in the morning,

waking me up,

but honestly,

what difference does it make

when I started taking it?

Why would you take my pills

without asking me what they are?

- I don't know,

because I like them.

[cheers and applause]

- Yay!

- Speech, speech, speech!

all:
Speech, speech, speech!

- My excellent

good friends,

a thousand monkeys

and a thousand typewriters

couldn't convey

how I feel in this moment.

Thank you, guys.

[laughs]

[somber music]

- We'll get the check separate.

Separate bills.

Thank you.

[phone chimes]

- Guys, I'm so sorry.

He'll be here any--

oh, here he is.

He's here.

Yeah, I'll keep an eye on the--

Thank you.

Thank you for waiting.

Hey.

- I had to go to f***ing Queens.

- Cool, I had to fight tooth

and nail to keep this court.

I mean, look at that guy,

he's huge.

And now we only have

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