Barney's Version

INT. DEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

A tumbler of Scotch. A half empty bottle of Macallan's. A

burning Montecristo cigar in an ashtray.

A hand picks up a telephone and dials.

BARNEY:

I'd like to speak with my wife.

BLAIR (V.O.)

(groggy)

Barney...? It's three in the morning.

BARNEY:

Put my wife on the phone.

BLAIR (V.O.)

She's not your wife and I'm not wakingher.

BARNEY:

Then just ask her what she wants me todo with these nude photos I have ofher. Come to think of it, you mightactually want them if only to see whatMiriam looked like in her prime.

Click. Dial tone.

Barney hangs up, puffs on his cigar. Feeling good. Photos

of him and Miriam strewn over the table. None of them nudes.

CUT TO:

INT. DEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - MORNING

The bottle of Macallan's now empty. The cigar burned to the nub.

An ALARM CLOCK DRONES on and on from the bedroom. It finallygets turned off.

BARNEY PANOFSKY (64), hung over and in his robe, lumbersdown the hallway and to the front door.

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BARNEY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

He picks up the morning newspaper. Scans the front page.

Something he reads upsets him.

BARNEY:

F***.

A SOCCER BALL rolls and stops at Barney's feet.

WHITE 10-23-09 2.

JUSTIN (8) runs up and grabs the ball. He stares up atBarney. Barney stares back.

NEIGHBOR (O.S.)

Justin, come on, we're late.

JUSTIN:

Hi Barney.

BARNEY:

Good morning.

Justin runs off. Barney turns back inside.

INT. KITCHEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - LATER

Now dressed, Barney reads the paper as he finishes his bageland lox. He looks at his watch -- sh*t, he's late. Dropsthe paper on the table. Puts the dishes in the sink.

INSERT - NEWSPAPER BLURB - FRONT PAGE

"BOOK REVIEW: Detective Sean O'Hearne writes his own account

of the scandal that rocked the city 30 years ago..."

Beside the blurb is an old picture of BARNEY IN HANDCUFFS.

INT. KITCHEN - BARNEY AND MIRIAM'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

He grabs his cell phone and turns it on, then notices theanswering machine.

INSERT - BLINKING ANSWERING MACHINE: 10 MESSAGES.

He presses PLAY, but only listens to the first few words ofeach message before fast forwarding to the next.

ANSWERING MACHINE

(female voice)

Hi dad, I know it's early... hi dad,

me again... where are you... dad,

call meeee...

The next few messages from an angry MALE VOICE.

ANSWERING MACHINE (CONT'D)

Dad, its Michael.... Dad, I knowyou're there... Are you screening?...

Barney turns the machine OFF. Now he can't find his keys.

Scours the house for them. His cell phone RINGS.

BARNEY:

Hello?

WHITE 10-23-09 3.

EXT. STREET - MORNING

INTERCUT WITH KATE (24), Barney's daughter. Walking to herjob as a grade school teacher, carrying a bag and thermos.

KATE:

Daddy, where were you? I've been

calling all morning.

BARNEY:

The ringer was off.

KATE:

Blair had a heart attack last night.

BARNEY:

Really?

KATE:

Really.

BARNEY:

How bad?

KATE:

Minor. He thought it was indigestion.

BARNEY:

Putz.

He finds his keys. Rushes out the door.

KATE:

Dad, it's still a heart attack.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Barney hurries down the hallway to the elevator.

BARNEY:

That's true. The long term effectsof these things don't often show upuntil later. Impotence is still onthe table.

KATE:

Are you not at all concerned thatyou might have caused this?

BARNEY:

Why would I be?

KATE:

Mom told me about the phone calllast night.

WHITE 10-23-09 4.

That triggers a distant alcohol fogged memory. DING. The

elevator arrives. He steps in.

BARNEY:

I'll call you back. I'm stepping inthe elevator.

KATE:

You better.

Barney grins from ear to ear, filled with glee at this news.

On the elevator doors closing we...

CUT TO:

INT. CAR - DRIVING - MORNING

Barney driving his Mercedes, back on the phone with Kate whois approaching the school she teaches at.

BARNEY:

I may have accidentally dialed theirnumber.

KATE:

Sure, dad. But you do have an out it

seems that Blair was already havingchest pains when you called but hedidn't want to bother mom with it.

It was your call that woke her, andshe then insisted on taking him tothe hospital.

BARNEY:

So I saved his life.

KATE:

My hero.

BARNEY:

Did you see the paper today?

KATE:

I did. Are you okay?

BARNEY:

Yeah, I'm fine.

(beat)

I'll call you later.

KATE:

Okay. Love you.

BARNEY:

Love you too.

WHITE 10-23-09 5.

EXT. TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS - DAY

Barney drives up to the offices of TOTALLY UNNECESSARYPRODUCTIONS and pulls into his personal parking spot.

CUT TO:

INT. TV SOUNDSTAGE - DAY

We drop right into a scene of Barney's TV show, the longrunning soap - "O'MALLEY OF THE NORTH".

The CONSTABLE, O'MALLEY, mid-50's and still handsome, isbeing tended to by a female NURSE played by SOLANGE (52),

making a "house call" to the local bar.

SOLANGE:

(wrapping a bandage)

How does that feel, O'Malley?

O'MALLEY

Warm and tight.

SOLANGE, originally cast as the "sexpot" of the show, heruniform is inappropriately low cut and tight for a woman herage, but she works it like she's still the cat's meow.

Barney quietly walks onto the sound stage, and sits in hisproducers chair. The scene is painful for him watch. He

pulls over a WARDROBE GIRL.

BARNEY:

Can we do something about her outfit?

WARDROBE GIRL:

I tried. She has them altered

herself.

DIRECTOR:

CUT!

(to Barney)

How was that?

BARNEY:

Appallingly bad.

DIRECTOR:

Great. MOVING ON.

Solange's bright smile instantly sours as she eyes Barney.

SOLANGE:

I want to talk to you!

Barney immediately hustles himself away.

WHITE 10-23-09 6.

SOLANGE (CONT'D)

Don't you run away from me!

She tries to go after him but is stopped by the sound guywho needs to remove her mic.

FOUR EXECUTIVES descend upon him, struggling to keep pace,

including MARK (40). Everyone talking over each other.

MARK EXECUTIVE:

Did you see today'sWe need to go over the

paper? opening for next week's

episode.

MARK EXECUTIVE:

The teaser is a minute And we lost the location

long--so we have to rewrite it

for the studio-

Barney pushes through a door, leading everyone into -

INT. TOTALLY UNNECESSARY PRODUCTIONS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Rows of desks occupied by accountants, story editors,

assistants. Barney whisks through the aisles - everyonestill hot on his tail.

BARNEY:

(announcing to entire

office)

Good morning everyone. Yes I've

seen today's paper, no I don't givea flying f*** and neither shouldyou, let that be the end of it.

MARK:

Barney, the network wants to make areally big deal about the 30th season.

BARNEY:

That's in a year.

MARK:

They're looking ahead, and they'reopen to renewing for two more seasons.

(nervous)

But they have a few suggestions.

BARNEY:

How long have you worked for me?

MARK:

Eighteen years.

WHITE 10-23-09 7.

BARNEY:

So why do you still act like a girlasking permission for a sleepover?

Tell me what the hell it is.

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